Lost

[Setheret]

Hi. This is the first time I've ever come to a place like this.
And I truly don't know what to say. Maybe just an introduction to my life.

I'm a male, 22 years of age. I'm at University for a degree in Primary school teaching.
For the longest time that I can recall I have been depressed. One of the most vivid things I remember about my childhood was the day I had an argument of some kind with my mother. I ran into the backyard and prayed for God to take my life because my family would be better off and happier without me. I have a loving family that would support me to the end of the world and yet I'm still crippled by an emptiness, I don't care about anything, I barely care if I pass or fail at Uni. I can't drive a car, I had to quit or lose my job at the end of the year. I decided not to get a new job and concentrate on my studies but even that is a joke. I can be happy, when I'm with friends or playing games but its temporary. As soon as I'm alone with my thoughts I'm overpowered by self-loathing, emptiness and anxiety. My mind plays tricks on me, I know what its doing but its logic is strong. Unlike so many, I have a home, parents who care for me, friends who like me, a loving upbringing, food, internet. I see myself empty and depressed, crying and my mind just tells me how worthless I am, tells me that I should dare complain about my life when compared to most I have it good. No matter what, my mind makes me hate myself. The happiest I've ever been is when I had girlfriends, But I'm a 22 year old with no job, no car and for everything that I can see before me no future. 

But most relationships I've ever been in have been horrible and ended horribly. I used to accuse them. But how is that possible, the only constant is me. I need another person in my life to make me feel whole, but any person that I find, I know the best and most loving thing I can do for them is not enter their lives. There is nothing I can provide, I can't expect them to love me when even I don't. I've never

tried to commit suicide. Not for real anyway. Every day I went to Tafe I thought of ending my life, but I couldn't do that to my family, I love them too much to imagine the pain they would have to go through. I' m so afraid of failing I can't even start. Every day that goes further I feel like I'm failing those who love me most just a little more. Its paralytic.

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[Leetherese]

Hi there

i'm so sad to read this not only for you but myself ! this was me i hate myself i hurt everyone around me i became an alcoholic. We lost our home we where buying but not every one see'e you in the same light! it turns out my kids love me for who i am yes i have no confidence r self esteem. I'm hardly a roll model lol . But through that they see me the real me. And one day you will meet some one who will accept you for you and be there to help and guide you you will both help each other so dont ever give up because one day there will be some one. Make small goals i'm going to start volunteering and help others one step at a time. One day you will be so happy and you will deserve it too. I'm starting to realise this myself 🙂

[HelenM]

Hi Setheret

Life must have been hard for many years. Depression deprives us of any real joy and to have lived like that for so long is awful.

Have you received any medical help? Medication, counselling or both would benefit you I'm sure. 

If you have depression it doesn't matter how much you have - it doesn't make it any easier. Depression is an illness not a lack of appreciation. Your deep unhappiness comes from illness despite what you have. I have a life that I find really satisfying when I'm well. However when I'm ill I don't feel any pleasure in it.

Posting on here is a good start. And I hope you find lots of help.

Helen

[White_Rose]

Dear Setheret

Welcome to Beyond Blue.  We are all plagued by the same feelings and doubts so you have come to the right place to tell us your story and find comfort.

I can hear your pain and insecurity and I want to reach out and give you a big hug. As I can't do this literally please accept a (cyber hug).

It is so hard when you feel this way and don't know what to do to get rid of these dreadful feelings. I want to suggest some first steps.  As a matter of urgency please go and see your GP. Tell him/her all that you have said here and be as open as possible. There is no point in holding anything back. If you do not have a GP or do not feel comfortable going to your family GP, then look under Get Support at the top of the page. You can find a GP experienced in mental health issues in your area by looking there.

The doctor may want to give you anti-depressants and/or send you to see a psychologist. Please follow the advice you are given. Depression is an insidious illness that can rob you of all enjoyment in life. This is not acceptable so you need to have someone in your corner to fight with you. A good doctor and/or psych is invaluable.

You say your family is loving and caring. That is fantastic. It's unfortunate that depression can strike anyone, even in the most loving circumstances. You need to know that is it not due to anything you have done. It's life being painful. But your family can help.

Look at the other tabs at the top of the page. There is heaps of literature there, both for you and your family. BB will send any of this to you free of charge. Before you talk to your family, go to the doctor and get a diagnosis. That way you can tell the family exactly what is the matter. The literature from BB will help them to understand how you feel.

The sad truth about depression is that those who have not experienced it rarely understand the full impact of it on our lives. But those who love us will make the effort and support us as much as possible. Tell your parents how you feel and what steps the doctor recommends.

You are often right when you say, how can anyone love me if I don't love myself. But your family love you as you are and this will not change. We all struggle to accept ourselves and gradually learn to do so. This is often because we know others feel the same, we are not alone in our misery. It's good to remind yourself of this.

You can recover. keep that in mind. Please post back and tell us how you are going. I will look for your posts.

Regards

LING

[Setheret]

Thank you all for your kind words of support 🙂

Leetherese: I am sorry that you felt the same way that I do. I will definitely be keeping your story in my thoughts. Your children are lucky to have someone like you, and if I could I would tell them to cherish you forever. A strong parent who can overcome and breakthrough, for themselves and their children. 🙂

HelenM: You are right, I guess my mind never look at me like that. Its almost like I have two sets of rules. I see others and pass no judgement. But for myself I think I have a magnifying glass that over judges every part of my life and my thoughts. I have not yet seen a GP but next my mother comes down she is connecting me with her GP.

LING: First things first. I graciously accept your hug and am a little let down it couldn't be real. Sometimes all I feel I need is a hug and someone to tell me I'll be ok. So thank you very much. My mother and my brother have both been on anti-depressants, so I guess its familial. My depression seems to come at me in waves though it always feels dominating. Sometimes I feel ok and other times I don't even want to wake up. What if the day I visit a GP I feel relatively ok? Is it better to write out a long story or will they know? I've never spoken about any of this out loud at least not to the extent required. So I don't know how I would let myself admit it to a doctor. My family would understand but they already have their own problems to deal with. I've never wanted to burden them with my baggage or cause my mother to cry. But they are the only ones I feel close enough to tell. I guess that's why I chose to open up a little here. Unfortunately the character limit held me back a bit. 

Again, thank you all so much. its nice to know there are people out there who can relate and understand. I'm not religious but you are all angels in my eyes. The world is lucky to have people like yourselves and so am I.

[White_Rose]

Dear Setheret

Every morning when you wake up remember there is a hug from me waiting for you.

You make a good point about writing down how you feel. It's a great idea. Make your appointment and start writing about how you feel. Your doctor can read your words as well as listen to you.

It doesn't matter whether or not you are having a good or bad day. Just tell the doctor what you have been feeling, give him/her your notes and take it from there. A good doctor will know all about your feelings, after all it is their job.

The people who love us are, in many ways, the people we open up to least. As you say, you do not want to upset your mom or anyone else. That's OK!  Get checked out by the doctor and then have a chat with mom. If she has depression she will understand where you are. And yes she will probably cry because mothers do not like to see their children suffering. But even if she had no knowledge of depression she would cry.  You need all the help and support you can get, especially at the start of your journey to recovery.

I won't pretend it will be an easy journey. But as you progress you can occasionally look back and see how far you have come. Perhaps you are saying to yourself you are not strong. You will be amazed at how strong you will be. Within all of us is a core of strength that we must learn to tap. I have spent many years learning to do this, but I did not have BB to help me and my psychiatrist was pretty crappy.

Go get 'em Seth. I hope to hear soon that you have seen your doctor. Looking forward to your next step.

LING

[Setheret]

Thanks to everyone for their advice and support.

I organised a doctor's appointment and have been put onto 10mg SSRI's. Hopefully this will help to balance me out over the coming months. I called where I used to work and they had a position and the new boss seemed keen to have me fill the position, but I haven't heard anything back just yet. Fingers crossed! 

I had a long talk to my father about it. Some stuff, not everything, not as deep as this post. I'm a much better writer than speaker so I showed the doctor my first post instead. I was starting to feel a lot better till last night when I was sort of crushed and weighed down again so I rushed to sleep. But I woke up feeling much better. I'll continue to update how I feel.

 Thank you all so much for giving a damn. I'm a person that finds it difficult to find motivation for myself. I get my motivation from other people and so just the few responses I've gotten here and my talk with my dad really pushed me to try make some positive changes. 

[AGrace]

Hi Setheret,

Thought I'd check in to see how you are going? How are the Antidepressants working?

It was really brave of you to chat with your father, I hope that the line of communication stays open for you both.

Sleep can be such an important factor in our mental health, it's amazing that we can go to bed feeling lousy and wake up like a new person.

How did the employment opportunity go with your old work? I hope this has worked out for you.

If you're having difficulties getting motivated, there's a thread called finding motivation. Myself and a number of others have contributed our ideas.

Look forward to your update.

AGrace