Finding it really hard

[Rocky315]

I don't know who I am anymore. I could look into the mirror and just see a face. A stranger. The face may look familiar, but the person staring back at me is someone I would not have seen before. i cannot see the positives around me. They have blurred out. Sometimes I can see a glimpse of them, but they're a bit fuzzy. Is this selfish of me?

I don't go out anymore, don't spontaneously see my friends like I used to, nor make any kind of plans. I am home bound.  Am I a loner?

I am full. From the second I wake up, to the seconds where I start to fall asleep. I wish mornings were later, and evenings sooner. The thought of getting out of bed drains me. I feel tired.  What used to excite me is gone. My energy has run out. My overall view on life is distorted. 

I can breathe. I can smell, think, and see. But I feel nothing. I look for my old self, hoping one day she can be found. I used to enjoy feeling like this. I obviously didn't take it seriously because now I am miserable.  

[Doolhof]

Hi Rocky

I wish I had the answers for you, I wish I could tell you what will help you to live your life the same way you used to, but I'm sorry I can't do that. I can tell you that I feel and understand your pain, and that I hope you will find brighter days in the future.

I too shut myself away from friends and organisations that I am a part of at times. There is a group I am a member of and I have not attended for more than two months now, and no one from the group has contacted me to see if I am still alive or dead. I need to be stronger than this and I am going to try with all my will power to attend next week.

Have you been to a doctor to tell them how you are feeling? Do you have a family member you can talk to, or maybe a friend whom you could phone? I have seen other people on this site suggesting you phone BB help line, that might be a good start for you.

I've realised in my life, that I can never be the person I was yesterday, last year or a decade ago. Things happen in life and I have moved on. Depression, emotions and feelings can shape who I am to a certain degree, I am still there in essence, but need to adjust how I think and feel so I can be a new me when I need to be. I hope that makes some sense to you.

As you wrote, you can breathe, you can see, smell and think, take a step outside and just experience life from a different perspective, use all of your senses to feel life. Take a plunge and organise to meet a couple of friends. Trying to get yourself there might feel really tough, but once you are with your friends you will feel good about yourself. I encourage you to try it.

Please get back to me and let me know how you got on. I will use my own advice and call a couple of girlfriends later today!

Thinking of you, from Dools