lonely, sad and paranoid
Sometimes I just feel so alone.
It’s just my mum, dad and I.
Although on my dads side there’s my grandma, but I don’t see her much anymore, we used to be reasonably close but now she lives in a dementia care home and she doesn’t remember much nor do her conversation make sense anymore. I don’t know my grandpa because he died before I was born.
On my mum’s said there are my other grandparents who died when I was in the early years of primary school. They lived in America and so did my aunty and uncle so I never really saw them though. My family is quite small and sometimes I wish that i had a sibling or someone else. I wouldn’t exactly say I’m friends with my parents but I mean they’re my parents. I’m always getting into arguments with them and I always feel very defensive because if I do something wrong then most times they both scold me and I have no one to at least talk to. I find it’s hard and if I had a better relationship with my parents maybe it would be easier. I know it could be a whole lot worse. But so many times feel so alone. I can be triggered or get upset reasonably quickly and now days my parents may try once or twice to try and understand what’s going on but I always push them away. Deep down all I want is a hug and someone to talk to but when upset I always resort do sending them away and they don’t come back. I keep telling myself to stop but every time it’s the same: I push them away. They don’t come back. I cry until my eyes are dry or I dwell in my sorrows. And then, by then I have given up hope that they would come back to comfort me and I pick myself up and try to get on with my day.
I know I not a perfect child and Im always upset with my parents but I still love them and I know it’s just my paranoia but I always have the same thought looming over my head and it’s that what if one day I get into a fight and then that is the last words I say to them. My parents had me at quite an old age. I’m 14 and they are in there late 50’s nearly going into their 60’s. I am constantly sacred that something will happen to them and that they won’t be there to see my life unfold, and that I need to do everything as soon as possible when I become an adult, like:get married, have kids so they can see it all happen. I’m scared that’s I’ll lose them. AndAnd everyday the weight crushes me more and more. I don’t know what to do.
I recall my teenage years as - well, not happy. Then at 17yo I joined the Air Force and moved away. I certainly grew up then amongst other men all older than I plus the training, it was hard.
So growing up isnt a walk in the park and the thinking processes arent always the best, your decisions and particularly your logic is missing in some areas.
For example- your said "sometimes I just need a hug". Well, sometimes it is better that you offer the hug. Parents might seem like they dont need a hug but they do and after you give one they might have a few seconds of happiness coming from that one hug even though you might not feel they do- they love it!!
The next revelation is the definition of "family". Blood relatives doesnt automatically mean you are compatible. For this reason people often end up with "brothers" that arent brothers, grandparents that arent grandparents and so on. These people can be very beneficial in your life where you can share your experiences, help them out and they usually help you back. I have a cousin in Tasmania I dont see often but he is my "bro". I have a older lady 3 hours away that is my "mum" but we arent related. My real mother and sister I refuse to see as we have different values.
The next bit of advice (I hope you dont think I'm lecturing you but there's no other way of replying) is to concentrate on being a good developing human being. Eg if you know an elderly neighbour, offer to weed their garden for an hour. Or if you see them struggling with groceries, help them carry them. Just about every time we go to the supermarket there is an old person pushing a trolley full of groceries and I offer to push it to their car. Good deeds often come back at you with reward not that you seek it especially in small towns.
There is ways to advance yourself by getting a part time job, make some money and involve yourself with people. A cashier at a supermarket might seem mundane but it opens up relationships with other people, it can easily lead to friendships and teamwork that has benefits. The employment rate ATM is very low meaning lots of opportunities to get work. It isnt the money, more important the development of you as a person. Getting a job will take you out of the house so "absence makes the heart gow fonder" with your parents, make money, make friends, get a recommendation from a boss and learn skills.
I hope that has helped. And give hugs they dont cost anything at all.