Lack self confidence

[Jimmy19]

Hi, been a while since I've posted, but I will start by giving some basic info of where I am at in my life, I'm 19 years old, 6"4 and I work part-time in a supermarket. I currently have no hobbies and have no commitments outside of work. I have a small group of close friends and live at home with my mother and my older brother. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do in life, I dropped out of Uni last year as I decided the career path was not for me.

The problem I am having is that I lack confidence in almost any aspect of my life besides maybe arguing. I am terrible at basically any type of physical sport and although I am not violent at all nor do I condone violence, have absolutely no ability to stand up for myself in a physical encounter. This may seem like the reasonable thing to do to for most of you, but when you are 6"4 getting pushed around by skinny people well under 6" it really kills my self image. I was always last picked in high school for physical activities and I don't really feel like I make up for it with intellectual abilities.

I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses, but I have just no idea how to get my confidence as a man. My father died when I was 6 along with 3 other father figures in the next 3 years. My Mother sheltered me throughout my entire primary school well into my teens, this includes not letting me play any sports, and telling me almost everything I wanted to do was too hard for me. I finished high school as an A-B level student and now I feel like I've been thrown into the world and expected to know what to do.

I know a lot of people say that you need to make your own life and work hard for it and I plan to. But I have no idea where to even start. 

Lately I have been trying to improve my social skills, as you can probably imagine I am not much of a people person, I like people, people just don't like me. I would like to say I mean well by everybody but I think maybe people don't see it that way. 

Right now my goals are to learn a self defence class, (btw I should mention that I am not looking to boost my confidence by beating other people to the ground) To attend my gym more regularly and get in better shape, and to stay off social media.

I don't expect to be given everything, but I really wish I could just get a nudge in the right direction, the last couple months it has really played with my self worth.

I just look forward to hearing some opinions on the matter, thanks for reading.

[lookingforme]

Hi,

I would first like to say, I fully understand where you are coming from.  Though our backgrounds may be different, I, only last year, had to reassess everything about my life and start from scratch with no direction or any knowledge of what I wanted to do.  But, I think your self worth shouldn't stem from the inability to know where your life is headed.  I know this is hard.  Having goals is what we're trained to do almost.  Be directed by something.  But, if I have learned anything from this life, it's that it doesn't always work out from a linear plan we draw in our heads.  So, it's okay that you don't know where you're headed. 

Why not, as an exercise, change our perspective on our own lives?  From what I've read of what you've written, you are willing to work hard, to try in this life.  That is something to be proud of.  Being and A-B student implies to me that you are intellectual.  Intelligence isn't a black and white thing, we all excel in some aspects and fail miserably in others.  So we should start there.  What, in school, did you find interesting?  What do you think you are good at?  It can be anything. 

I am also sorry to hear about your dad.  Can you approach your older brother with some of your concerns?  It seems like you put a lot of emphasis on not being able to stand up for yourself.  Maybe you can slowly work on that as well.  The thought of being pushed around or invalidated can really undermine our self worth.  This can simply be by voicing and opinion?  I have to say that you writing on here shows me that you are brave for speaking out, and that you are capable of doing so.  Two more things to chalk up your confidence a bit.  I did martial arts, and it was excellent for me, I had a social outlet, I exercised, I was given independence the higher in the ranks I climbed, I was given responsibility, and made to feel like an individual.  It also taught me patience and self control.  Two things that will never fail you in life.

I do have a question, why do you think you are socially awkward if you do have a close group of friends?  That's the best kind to have.

I don't know if any of this helped you, I hope it did.  Sometimes it helps you to see how far you've come through someone else's eyes, and changing your perspective on your own life.  You are putting yourself out there and you are trying, which is commendable, and a great start. 

[Jimmy19]

Well firstly  to answer your questions.

I was good at IT and Computer Aided design, which led me to Industrial Design in Uni, but soon realised that it ws the most boring and depressing thing I have ever done. I was also good at wood and metalwork, but writing essays and reports etc. is not my strong suit. I can read and write fine, I just cannot concentrate on the task.

I am also really interested in Concept art for movies and games, which would probably be my dream job, but where I live has no courses for that sort of stuff and especially jobs! I don't think I am particularly ready to travel for it, I don't think I could handle living on my own or whatever just yet and I am not really great at the whole Art thing..

as for my family i cannot really speak to them. My older brother has a girlfriend that he is with all the time, and when they aren't together you cant talk to him because he is texting her and is paying no attention. as for my mother she sits and plays Facebook games or reads most of the day and its the similar thing, I can tell she isn't really listening to anything I'm saying. I know they care about me, they just don't really make any time or effort for me.

I have been thinking about doing Krav Maga, but the place is an hour train ride away, I suppose if I want to do it that bad It wont bother me.

as for the friends thing. I am not like my friends, I don't find interest in going to town and getting drunk all the time, which is what most of my friends do. I just feel like the outcast of the group, the one who will be forgotten if i dont invite myself to things. almost no one asks me places, I am always the one to make plans for stuff to do. I guess i do have it pretty good with the friends thing. I just struggle to get along with new people for some reason, especially through Uni. I seemed to be avoided like the plague at uni, I will mention that I don't have bad hygiene or anything. the only thing I can think of, is that I have been told im a little intimidating at times, but i never mean to be.

I did find your stuff helpful, I like when people share their opinions and try to help me shed some light, really puts things in perspective a lot of the time. so thanks!

[lookingforme]

Alright, your first step is complete, you've isolated an interest and what you were good at.  Have you tried looking for anything courses anywhere that you would like to do?  I would say that just because you aren't ready to travel for it yet, doesn't mean that you won't ever be?  You have time to work on it.  As for living alone, you could always share a house.  There are options, so try not to pull yourself out of the running before trying, and I know for fact that this concept is the hardest (for me anyway).  And there are always tools for concentration and assistance for it at uni.  For the art, have you tried doing short courses on art, to develop you skills and build a portfolio?  It'll give you something to do that is leading on to something bigger and better for you.  A big booster for confidence.  Right now, I'm doing math courses that will help me get into a Masters course.  It's taking time, but I know it is leading somewhere.  So, even try a short course in something (I only mentioned art because you did).

I understand about your family.  If you feel you aren't getting what you need from them, I understand your hesitance to bring anything up with them.

You are absolutely right, if you wanted to do it, it wouldn't bother you as much.  Maybe give it a try and see how the commute is?  There is nothing better for confidence than trying new things so you can say you are brave enough to try them.  A lot of people never try, and it has a lot of unexpected backlash on their confidence (from what I have personally seen), and it gets them stuck in a loop of wanting but not trying.

As for friends.  If you don't think they accept you, or you feel like an outcast, can you bring it up with them?  If not, uni isn't the only place to find friends.  Have you tried Meetup?  You can filter based on interests, so even if the people are new to you, you have something to talk about.  The trick is to let them get to know you, rather than just their impression of you.

I can see in your words that you lack confidence in yourself, but as I have said before, don't pull yourself out of the running without having tried.  There are many paths to the same end, always.  I was told once that a lot of people have the same qualms I have (and you) about confidence but a lot of people are good at faking it.  After a lot of grief and introspection, I know at least to keep giving myself a chance.

By reaching out, you are doing the same for you, and I am happy you are.