Just not sure what's wrong, need an outside perspective please

[brightcosmos]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure if posts typically get lost in the void but I'm just looking for an outside perspective if possible. My apologies in advance if this gets too lengthy.

I've been through rough patches in my life before. While I was never actually diagnosed with depression, throughout my earlier teenage years engaged in a lot of self harm and self punishment habits due to some family issues at the time and shattered self esteem from verbal/physical bullying from a group of guys when I was younger. I made somewhat of a recovery over the following years, then relapsed again when my partner of 18 months cheated, then broke up with me for a friend of ours. I am, honestly, probably an over-emotional person. I'm prone to feeling very enthusiastic when things go right, but really slipping when things go wrong - although my external appearance may not portray this side.

With that background taken into consideration, now my life is on track: I've just started a job I never even expected to get in my dream career, I've got a loving partner who I've been with for almost 3 years, the majority of my past family issues have been resolved, I no longer self harm and I'm completing a double major at a good university. What's really worrying me now, is that despite all these things that should be making me feel happy - I'm not feeling much at all. In the past I was prone to crying excessively, daily, but now I scarcely feel overly happy or overly sad. It feels like my emotions have mostly flatlined. I do get very brief peaks of joy and sadness, but just nothing on the scale of my usual emotional spectrum, not even close.

Recently I find I've been needing to sleep a lot more than I used to, struggle to find motivation for things I know I want to do, and I do see my friends less. I love my partner but I don't feel excitement for him in the same way I did maybe a year ago. I almost always have something that I'm worrying about - usually my parent's disapproval of my partner and I planning a holiday away or fearing I'll fall short in my new job (I'm a support worker so while it's in my nature to care for others, sometimes I worry I won't meet their needs).

I'm a psychology student and work in mental health, yet I'm finding it really hard to identify what it is that's wrong with me specifically. If this is depression I can't really understand why it's so opposite to my previous experiences, and I'm not sure what I can do because I honestly can't pinpoint what's wrong.

[BballJ]

Hi Brightcosmos,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

Thank you for the very detailed story, it does help immensly to understand as much about you as possible and what you are dealing with. Like you, i have never been diagnosed with depression but rather generalised anxiety disorder but just like you i was lost in my teens years (Family issues, didnt fit in at school etc) i cant say i ever self harmed but i felt very average about myself. Fast forward, again like you, my life is on track, i have a great job, i am now married, a good group of friends but again i sometimes get those empty feelings like i am missing something and sometimes enjoy just being alone and listening to my music that makes me reflect and in a way upsets me.

Have you actually spoken to a doctor and a psychologist regarding all of this, i understand you are a psychology student (kudos on that, a great career choice) but i am unsure if you have every sorted through your past issues, i am only just starting to sort out my issues with a psychologist and after 3 sessions, I never knew how much i wanted to say and talk about but its been somewhat of a revelation. It's such a tough profession for you as you are required to listen and help others and can sometimes i guess miss to take care of yourself, you obviously have a great understanding of mental health but maybe its worth talking to someone about your issues to try and help you resolve them, not just for you, but for your partner too.... i wanted help so i could ease the pressure on my partner and understand why i lost motivation in our relationship. As i said i share a lot of what you wrote.

Sorry for the delay in getting a response to you, its a great community on here and i am sure others will respond shortly, i just wanted to reply to let you know i have read your story and am here to help where i can.

My best for you.

Jay

[White_Rose]

Dear Bright Cosmos

Hello and a warm to Beyond Blue. Congratulations on getting your life back on track. It's hard work when you have long term difficulties.

As you say, it's in your nature to care for people and sometimes it overflows to your private life. There's nothing wrong with this as we all find one area of life interacting, so to speak, with another area. The trick is, as you have said, not allowing your care for others to take over your private life.

Obviously I am not in a position to say if you are depressed or not, that's up to the professionals. From my observation of my life I think you are hovering in that area. It would be good move to have a chat to your GP. It could simply mean you are tired in general and need a way to revitalise yourself. Either way a visit to your GP should clear that up.

As we get older, and I have no idea of your age, there are some natural changes. You may not want to see as much of your friends because you want more time on your own. I was always pleased when my husband, who worked shifts, was at work during the day and the children were at school. It's not that I didn't love them or want to see them, just having the house to myself and being able to sit and read a book was bliss. Maybe something of this sort is happening for you.

In the BB Social Zone forum there is a thread called MBTI personality types. You may know of this via your studies. I have completed this questionnaire and I found it gave me a reasonably accurate profile of my personality type. If you put 16 Personalities into your search engine you can see what it's all about. I found it useful in a general way to look at the things I do well and those I don't. I am an ENFJ. The web site will tell you what this means.

The BB web site also has a K10 questionnaire about depression. It's very brief and by no means a diagnostic tool but can give you an indication of where you are.

Write in again and let us know how you are going.

Mary

[Sophie_M]

Hi brightcosmos, you might also be interested in this thread if you'd like to talk to other psych students here on the forums:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/young-people/fellow-psych-students-on-the-forum-#qlH-sXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A