It's only getting worse

[Just_Another_Girl]

I was diagnosed with depression at 14 and anxiety when I was 17. For the longest time I thought I was handling it all ok, my GP even complimented me on how I handle myself despite being unmedicated.

I'm 20 now and for the last couple of months it's felt like my mind is starting to fracture. At night I have to get up and check the house every time I hear a noise because I'm so paranoid. When I'm out with my closest friends sometimes I lock up and suddenly can't even speak and I've even found myself canceling plans at the slightest hint of consequence. The only place I feel safe is online and in my writings but even that has been effected my depression is crushing my motivation to write stories I was so passionate about.

In between these episode I still experience some instances of comfort and general happiness but they're becoming fewer and further between, gradually being replaced by constant depression. I feel like the family joke and despite socialising with a lot of new people I can't shake the feeling that none of them like me, I'm unemployed, I have no money and despite having a certificate three in pathology and a number of skills I feel completely useless. 

I want so badly to be able to talk to someone and learn more about what's going on inside my head but all my previous attempts to see a councilor or psychologist have resulted in me either running out of the building before I can make an appointment or being too afraid to really make a connection. I don't know what makes it so terrifying for me but I do know it's making so much harder for me to figure out how to deal with this. I feel like I'm being dragged down and pulled apart. I've read that anxiety symptoms can get worse as a person gets older but I never expected this. 

I'm really not even sure if there's a questions in any of this. I just wish I knew what to do or how to handle all of this. 

I can't deal with this much longer and it's gone on too long to be dismissed as a phase or a singular occurrence but just knowing that someone else might read this and even just understand gives me a little relief. 

[Sparkles183]

Hi just another girl and welcome to beyond blue...

sometimes we can feel like we are on top of the world and we are handling things quite well, then we go down hill again...

i too have had problems with psychs in the pass but I know if I want to help  to get better again I have to keep perusing help until I find the right psyc for me...

I also may suggest online programs I done a online CBT program last year where I had a psyc monitor my progress and phone me up once a week and it is the best thing I ever did and it helped me out a lot to understand  what is happening to me.

As you may already know that BB has a 24hour phone line and a online chat from 3pm to midnight eastern standard time. 

I hope you find the help you need and good luck with the next step of your journey finding the help you need...

Sparkles 

[joeljoel]

Hi Just_Another_Girl, 

I know exactly what you are going through. The fear of anxiety and the sadness of depression. I know how hard it can be to cope and constantly feeling like you are alone. From what you have said I definitely think you would benefit from some talk therapy and perhaps medication. However, I don't feel I'm in the position to recommend medications but I am sure someone else will comment this thread who does.

I would urge you to keep writing and try to keep your brain occupied, writing can be very therapeutic as well. Even meditation is an effective way to cleanse the brain of racing thoughts.

I, up until recently, was unemployed (I'm 20 years old too) and I felt worthless and like a failure as I couldn't even find casual work. My anxiety was bad enough for my self-esteem, the inability to find work just made it worse. You are not useless, you have value. You may not know it yet but you do. You just need to find something that you are passionate about that really motivates you. Keep writing, try to turn your hobby into a profession. There are endless possibilities. Having said that I know who my anxiety made me very unmotivated and scared to act. What worked for me was setting goals, starting out small and then progressively getting bigger. Even achieving small goals can greatly boost your confidence. 

I hope that hopes, things will get better. 

Best of luck. Joel. 

[loveisblue]

Hi Just Another Girl, 

Perhaps you can try to recall how you managed to overcome sadness in the previous occasions.  Sometimes you just wake up and inexplicably feel better, but at other times it actually take something or someone to cheer you up. Ask yourself these questions:

What did I do in the past whenever I felt anxious and depressed that made me feel better? (Watching a particular type of movie, reading, solving fun riddles or quizzes, re-living past memories, etc.)

Who did I talk to about my situations that could help me relieve my emotions? 

As you do that, try to make a list of activities which you know can save you from negative thoughts and feelings. So that next time you feel like sinking into depression again, you can provide yourself with 'emotional first aid' by doing these activities and save yourself from getting worse. 

Best wishes