Ever Feel Trapped?

[Nakira95]

These past few years have seen a lot of changes in my life - I graduated from high school, I started my Bachelor Degree, moved away from home (in with the boyfriend), broke up with said boyfriend after 5 years together, found out my eldest brother has brain cancer (doctors estimate he has 10 years), my parents separated after 30 years together, my best friend is suicidal, and now I'm in my last trimester of university - finishing a course I no longer have an interest in... yay?

After years of intermittent depression, I thought I was doing alright, handling everything pretty well - turns out I'm not. You know those horrible moments of realization? Those epiphanies that find you when you believed you were okay? I hate those, because they always catch you off guard. I had one the other day. I'd grown tired of playing on my iPad, so I went and sat in one of the living rooms, in the dark, and did what I often do - daydream. Now this in itself was fine, I had nothing else to do and it was a way to relieve the boredom. The part that made me cringe was the realization that I’d slowly made my daydreams a way of ‘living’. My reality had narrowed to a life within four walls – I rarely go out, I don’t attend my classes, I don’t even play video games anymore and that used to be my major pastime. Slowly I’ve boxed myself into this life, and to deal with that I’d started daydreaming much more frequently. It broke my heart to realize I’d been living in my daydreams because the real world had grown to be unbearable. I don’t want to waste my life away in a dream world that doesn’t exist, and whilst I know logically that I have the power to change that, I also know that it will take time – and the thought of spending a single second more like this is painful.

I’m trying so hard to keep positive, to remember that happiness can be found by changing your point of view, but there are real world constraints that I can’t escape. My dream has always been to see the world, but I made the decision not to work while studying so that I could focus on my studies – a decision I truly regret. Because now, I’ll have the time to do it but not the means. I have another few years of toiling away in some job, saving every penny, until I have enough to finally escape. Life’s too short to spend every day worrying about money, but if I want to see the world, then that’s what I have to do. 

But! Again! Happiness is a point of view, and I'll hold to this mantra like a life vest 🙂

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[Raven666]

Hey nakira, I feel your pain. I don't feel trapped more nostalgia for the happier days of my life. But that in itself is a trap. I didn't really notice I was doing it till I read your post. I'm an over thinker and a bit of a control freak and I never noticed the thought of happier times inducing nostalgia is in itself a trap. Thank you for opening my eyes ( I hate to say it but god it sucks doesn't it?) 

[Sparkles183]

Hi Nakira 95 

welcome to beyond blue. I really do hope you find these forums helpful as I once did. For a little bit it sounded like I was reading my own story last year my sister was diagnosed with a brain tumour which they  could not remove all of  it as it affected the part that controls her memory and during that time I was in my last semester of study, and I did have doubts at that time and still do today that I wanted to peruse that career path. But at that time I knew I needed help so I got all the help I could so I could finish my studies I got help from beyond blue, I went to my GP who put me on a mental health plan which entitles you to 10 sessions with a psych  each year and I did a online  cbt course  so I can learn how to cope with what I was going through. The cbt course was the best thing I ever did to help myself and I highly recommend it.

I know it can be hard sometimes to get out of the house and end enjoy life because you are so trapped inside yourself but I encourage you to take baby steps, even if it is just walking to the shops or watching your favourite DVD it all helps. Also I encourage you to get out in the sun and get sunshine I found for myself locking myself in a dark cold room only makes me more depressed. 

I also encourage you to go speak to your GP about what you are going through. ( if you have not done already)  It maybe a hard step to do at first but believe me it is worth it. 

And as for seeing the world you can do it, just believe in your self it does not take a lot of money to do a thing like this. And even if you do have to work for the next couple of years  so you can purchase a ticket to see the world it will be worth it. And will give u something to look forward to I have chosen to travel instead of purchasing a house so far I have to been to about 10 country's on very small budget and I will never change it for the world traveling is one thing I really enjoy in life.

take care and I hope things get better

sparkles 

[Narniakid]

Hi Nakira95, welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing with us. 

I am sorry to hear of what's been going on in your last couple of years - it sounds like a really rough time, and it is no wonder you're feeling like you are.

There's a lot of environmental pressures and factors contributing to your depression, which is something that we can never really see coming, and I think you're doing a good job already however it's a good idea to seek some professional help, as it seems to be affecting most aspects of your life.

Have you considered therapy or seeing a psychologist? In your situation, there's so many things happening and you must be feeling so confused and overwhelmed with it all, I think it would be wise to talk it through with a specialist who can help you with your thinking habits.

I hope you take on board what some of the other users have said, and make use of the forums. Remember there is so much information avaliable on here, as well as a supportive and open network of people who are always willing to listen.

I sincerely hope you stay strong and seek some help, keep us posted - you CAN get through this!

Crystal

[loveisblue]

Hi Nakira, 

Because movies are always my savior at times like this, I reckon you can give it a go. You can search for inspirational movies which might help you again appreciate the meaning of life and introduce new ideas as to what you can do and are passionate about. 

 You can also watch pure comedies that will give you a darn 2 hours of good laugh, which might just get your 'feel good' hormones kick in for the rest of the day. Sometimes sadness is prolonged because there is no external events to life up your mood, say, giving it a 'happiness boost'. Once you start feeling happy it is easier to maintain that level of happiness yourself.

You can find a family member or friend to spend time watching movies with you. Companionship is priceless in these situations. 

And yes, at times like this you may find the idea of getting dressed and pulling yourself out of your room, our of your house, quite unappealing. But once you manage to do that, once you get out and bath yourself in sunshine and see how big the world is and how much it still has to offer, you will feel better. 

Also, go to events that you are (even only slightly) interested in- in university or your neighborhood. Life skills workshops or seminars or any sort of the thing will give you something to think about and might inspire you. You don't have to talk to any one if you don't feel like it. Just merely listening to people will already help. 

 Best wishes

[Nakira95]

Thanks Sparkles,

I actually didn't know about that mental health plan so I'll definitely go see my GP, I'll take all the help I can get.
I've also made a list of things to do in order to try and help myself, getting out of the house is definitely on there, 'cause you're right - sitting in a dark room does nothing but keep you 'in the dark!' I'm so glad to hear you've traveled quite a bit, it's encouraging to know someone else has managed to do it on a small budget and it gives me hope I can too.