My Selfish Struggle.

[Phantom_Thespian]

I already feel like im wasting your time and space, but its worth a shot right?

I could drag this into the whole woe is me life story but who really needs to go back there?

The facts are im an actor, only 20 years old, an epileptic, and im 15-16 weeks preggas.

I have a very supportive mother and partner who i know will be with me for this whole journey- and no im not a naive person to be saying this, he has stood by me while i have had to deal with personal issues that i know this is "a piece of cake" for him. plus he is super excited. Mums super excited. Everyones excited but me.

All i can see is that im loosing the life ive worked so hard to achieve, im brining a poor child into a not even a household, but a caravan, and to a life of hardship. I am still so broken from things im dealing with, how do i find the strength to be someones rock, or everything?

I find myself so angry all the time. im so explosive and then i just cry and cry. My partners mother is a nurse and reckons i should be better since i hit week 14, but im not. im still vomitting, im still feeling horrible, and every day is a struggle to get out or stay out of bed. 

I dont want to see my friends, go to uni, or even try anymore, im just done. and the worst part is the recyclable struggle and guilt, im guilty for not being excited about my baby, and guilty for being angry and it goes around in this horrible circle.

Thanks for you time in advance.

 Just another person who has a working uterus and is ungrateful.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Phantom_Thespian,

Thanks for reaching out to BB.

First things first: you are not wasting time and space and you are so much more than just another person with a working uterus.

I cannot stress that enough.

It's okay that you are not excited about this baby and it's okay that you feel angry.  But I do think that as this baby is on the way it's really important that you help to break this cycle and get some help.  

Are you seeing a counsellor or psychologist at the moment?  I think that it would be really helpful for you to look at getting that extra support.  They may even recommend a Social Worker to look at more practical things such as help for the baby, housing or Centrelink (depending on your financial situation).  A doctor will be able to assist with referrals for these - and ask him for some help with nausea too.  We aren't able to give pharmaceutical advice on here but there are so many options to help you manage the vomiting.

I think start small.  Accept where you are at, and make an appointment.

It can get better. and you are worth so so much more.

🙂

[Phantom_Thespian]

Thank you for your kind words.

I am currently not sseeing anyone but I have promised my mum I will - she knows I'm mentally in a bad place.

however as typical me I've cancelled 2 appointments and find any reason not to go- I don't even know why I do this I just think I'm probable afraid of how it will go.

Also I am on some disolvable wafers for the nausea- I'll try and start small. 🙂

[Narniakid]

Hi Phantom_Thespian, welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing with us.

Having a baby doesn't mean you have to throw away your life; we are lucky enough to live in such a country that us as women have almost equal rights to that of men, and there is so much support available to us. This baby is an opportunity for you and your partner to grow stronger together, and it opens up so many doors for you. Embrace this new change, this new adventure!

I agree romantic_thi3f and I strongly urge to get some professional help. Pregnancy is a stressful time with all the hormones and stuff, so the added stress of housing issues and financial stress can be enough to make the whole situation pretty miserable. Definitely keep up regularly trips to your GP and ask about some things you can do to lessen your anxiety.

Remember the hotline is always here to listen to you, and you're always more than welcome to share with us.

Crystal

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Phantom_Thespian,

Thanks for your reply 🙂  I'm glad to hear that you're making appointments and on some wafers for the nausea! I hope the wafers are helping a little.

Is there anything that's holding you back from going to these appointments?  If you are afraid you may even want to start with a phone appointment - like giving BeyondBlue a call or going on to headspace for the free online chat.  That way it can be a little less overwhelming and if it really does get too hard you can just end the call or chat (which is easier than walking out of the office).  A lot of psychologists will also let you have someone in with you if you want moral support so that might be helpful.  

Also it's important to remember that the first appointment is really just a 'get to know you' appointment.  I know with myself (and I've seen a few) they ask me things like my name, where I live, work/study, my family and who I was in a relationship with.  It's fairly easy questions but remember if you want the session to end or don't want to talk about things you don't have to. 

I hope this helps a little. Good luck. I know you can do this! 

🙂

[Phantom_Thespian]

Just checking in,

 Ive booked appointments to get help mentally and physically.

But it doesn't seem to matter that im trying to self improve. this last week my supportive mother snapped and my ' hormones' became to difficult for her. i would presume she was right had their not been all this other stuff going on and now its just my fault. In short she moved out and for a week has kept me in limbo (right on assessment week to) about weather she will move back in. I want her back, if she can calm down her temper, and talk reasonably as shouting matches arent exactlysomething we can do in front of a kid. However, my partner doesnt want her to come back anymore and wants to start independency. I cant choose between them and if i tell my mum that my partner no longer wants her here she would be fine and go no problem. Then i have more financial stress, support, transport (not being able to drive being epileptic) and the matter of the fact is my single mother has not much money anyway  - would be living with friends , and if it explodes there then she has to come back here or shes homeless which i wont allow. My partner just thinks as an adult she needs to learn to fend for herself, and its just getting to much again. Advice?

[geoff]

dear PT, there are so many very sad comments that are posted onto the forum, and yours is included.

Your past history can be very important, because it has bought you to this stage in your life.

I also would like to know if your epilepsy is under control, because it's an unexpected event that could happen at any time, as I have it but medication has controlled it.

I'm no psychologist and shouldn't comment on what you are suffering from, however after many years suffering myself, it could be fair to say that you do have depression, which you probably would already know.

Maybe all of your partner's and your mother's attention is just focused on the pregnancy, and not dealing with the way your are feeling.

I want to get you out of the caravan and into a flat/house and it's not so bad as you think it maybe, because I would presume that you are getting centrelink payments, and if so you can get the bond money from them to once and for all move into what ever suits you.

If there is the three of you are on centrelink payments then your fortnightly payments will certainly cover your rent.

A caravan is no place for 3 people and eventually a new baby, you deserve better than this, and if you don't have any furniture then you could either rent any whitegoods you need or go to a charity store who will provide those in desperate need with any furniture you need.

There is also emergency housing to move into and this could depend on which state you live in.

I would be keen to hear back from you before I continue. L Geoff. x

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Phantom_Thespian,

Thanks for checking in.

Can I suggest next time start a new thread? I don't get notified when someone responds to my post so I miss a lot of posts sadly 😞 That way we can make sure that someone always gets back to you.

My advice is honestly that you need to put yourself first.

I'm sorry that things are not great with your mum; that she snapped and that you guys have shouting matches. It does sound hard and I am sorry, and of course I definately don't want her to be living off the streets.  But my priority (and our priority) is you.

How did you go getting in touch with the psychologist?  If you feel uncomfortable about it maybe your partner could come along, or you could try just making a phone call first - like BeyondBlue.  I think that would be a good first step - and then onto other things like housing and Centrelink... I know it's not an easy path to go down but you wanting your mum back is honestly all that you can do.  Your mum can also pop into services like Centrelink or even St Vincent De Paul (and similiar charities) so that she doesn't have to be on the street but can also be independent.

Make the call. For you. 🙂 

[Phantom_Thespian]

Hey 🙂 thanks for your kind message.

 Firstly my epilepsy was medicated but I've been taken of for a safe pregnancy. It's kinda controlled - but the doctors have said they would rather me have more seizures then be medicated because I breathe through my seizures so while I might accidentally hurt me, bub will be ok.

 Mentally I am doing better, making myself go to uni and talk to friends has helped.  While my mother and returned and is still snappy- she has come home which is nice and I'm sure wi'll get better.

In regards to centerline- I am on a little centerlink youth allowance for full time uni, and my Mums gets something but not a lot.

My partner receives no centerlink because his parents earn to much or somethimy like that, but as well as fulltime unI he also works 2 day's a week at maccas which leaves him just under 300 a fn.

After budgeting I don't see us being able to afford a house and I've accepted that, and grateful I mean not like I'm living in a car like other tragic stories.

So in short, things are getting better. I see a psychologist through the matermothers program Monday, so can only get better from here.

Thanks for all your time and thoughts, they have really ment a whole lot to me.