It's debilitating

[Maui757]

I have had depression and anxiety for the past 4 or so years, and have been treating it for the past 2 and a half years. Long story short, I've tried most the options out there, and they generally work. But I've found that no matter how much help you have, no matter how much effort and work you put in to getting better, no matter how many fail safes you have in place, I always end up at some point or another being super down, and not having anything or anyone to help. 

I see a psych, i try to exercise as much as I can, I try to eat often and healthy, I try to get out and enjoy life, I try to keep my stress as low as possible, i TRY to be better but it just gets the better of me in the end. I have a super caring family and a super caring boyfriend and super caring friends, but I feel like I can't talk to them anymore. I've been through the worst part of depression, the suicidal stuff, the self harm stuff, and now they all think I'm getting better. I mean, even I thought I was getting better. I AM better, way better than I was a year ago. But lately it's been coming back, hard and fast, just like it used to. I don't really understand, I know I'm stressed about uni and work and money like always, I've taken out most the things that used to trigger me in my life. But I'm starting to get those irrational thoughts and feelings again, and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. 

They all think I'm getting better, and I feel so ashamed to let on that I'm getting worse again. I'm a perfectionist so me going backwards is not easy to deal with on its own, but seeing the hurt I'm starting to cause my boyfriend again because I can't cope with simple day to day stuff that has to be done.. My friends and family are busy and I don't want to interrupt their day complaining about how sad I am. They've all been there and done that, I feel like I can't go there again otherwise it's just like I'm trying to get attention, which I guess I kind of am. My boyfriend has his own stuff to do and can't drop everything every time I feel like this because I feel like this a lot. I thought I was getting better but now it seems I'm going back to where I started, and I can't cope with that 😞

[Astara]

This is exactly how I am feeling right now too and it sucks! I don't want to tell anyone as it feels like its admitting failure. I don't think I will tell anyone I am having treatment again.

 I am going to see a different psych coz I feel like such a failure to go back to the same one I've seen before. It all just seems too hard sometimes doesn't it?? 

i don't really have any advice for you as if I knew the answer I wouldn't be in the same place! But I hope it helps to know you are not the only one going through this. All the best, 

Astara 

[White_Rose]

Dear Maui

The really sad part about depression is that no permanent cure has been found. Some people do have a depressive episode, get over it, end of story. Unfortunately many do not. Life gets better and we become hopeful we will never be as ill again. And I think this true. This is the way it happened to me. I have not regressed to the depths of depression I experienced at first.

Having said that, I do get down at times and find it difficult to get up again. At these times I think of all sorts of things, good and bad. What I do remind myself is that I have been there before and recovered so I can do it again. This has only not worked once when I was prescribed medication for an unrelated medical condition. These meds had some very bad side effects for me and greatly increased my depression. It was only when I looked at the other medication that I realised what had happened and had a chat with my doctor. I stopped taking the other meds and got better.

So if there is a moral in this story it is to be aware of the side effects of any meds and how meds interact. Always ask your doctor and/or pharmacist to check. Most doctors do check but some don't bother.

How often do you see your psych? What about having more frequent meetings while you feel so unwell? Are you happy with your psych and feel he/she is helping you.

Please don't beat yourself up about being a failure. You are not a failure. Depression will sneak back whenever it can. I have found it the best way for me is to acknowledge what is happening and ask my psych to help get back on my feet. Those people who are close to you also need to know what is happening. You are not attention seeking or being weak or anything of that nature. It's the nature of beast.

What works for you, what support do you need? Tell people what is happening. If necessary give them information from BB which explains how depression works. Then treat it as you would any other recurring illness. Letting it build up in your mind and trying to hide it will escalate the problem. Nipping it in the bud early can save you a great deal of pain.

Hope this helps

Mary

[Troubledmind87]

I am a long time sufferer of depression and anxiety so I'm not entirely sure which one it is I am dealing with at the moment or if it's both. every morning for around 3 weeks now I've woken up feeling sick in my stomach, I get the worries I getting he cold sweaty palms. I tell my boyfriend I'm not well and can't really do anything because he goes to work everyday. 

I have a 1 year old son and its debilitating to me that I have to look after him aswell as myself. I can't drive in my car, I always feel dizzy I have this over thinking brain and I can't make it stop. I want to make it better, I want to stop feeling like I'm going to faint or that everything around me is going to suffocate me.

i don't even know where this downward spiral even came from. It's like I was free from it for ages and then all of a sudden one night it hit me like a tonne of bricks and it hasn't left. 

I tell my mum but she's not really the embracing kind of person, I don't bother telling my sisters as they are busy with their own kids and life and I just don't want to bother them. I keep asking my boyfriend for help but he doesn't know how to react to me when I'm all crying and heart racing it's like he's just awkward and says things that just don't help. It's really hard for me at the moment dealing with myself and looking after my boy. 

 i know I have to get better and I also know I have to look after my tiny human. 

I just don't get why it's happening. Like why now? Why at all? Im usually a really happy person. 

[Maui757]

Hi Mary,

I react badly to any hormonal medication, so I've had to come off the pill, and I can't do antidepressants as they have the opposite effect on me and make me much more depressed and give me a load of irrational suicidal thoughts. I learnt that the hard way, but I know now for the future. 

My psych is very good, I'm happy with her and she's given me many good approaches for dealing with anxiety and depression. I've started seeing her more regularly again now, however I always seem to see her when I'm feeling better, so I think I'm all better. Then a few days go by and I'm down again but it's too late to tell her. I'm in a sticky situation now because she is going on holiday for a few weeks, so I can't see her until she gets back. 

I guess I just get stuck in ruts and I don't want to admit anything is wrong. I'm tired of fighting, it took everything I had to get through it the first time. I feel like I haven't had a decent enough break to be able to have the energy and strength to do it all over again. It's also super frustrating to think I did all that hard work, and now it's back again. It triggers thoughts like 'why bother if it's going to keep happening?'. I have more hope than that, but it definitely doesn't help 😞

[White_Rose]

Dear Maui

Welcome to the club of bad reactions to medication. I tried so many ADs during an 18 month period to find one that worked and didn't have horrendous side effects. Eventually settle on one but needed a second AD to counteract the side effects of the first. Ridiculous! Now I take a newish AD which settled down quite quickly. But I do have a history of bad reactions to most meds.

Yes, I agree with you. I worked hard the first time round and as you say, it all seems for nothing when the depression does a U turn. I do really believe however that the second, third and fourth times get progressively less horrendous, though each time it feels like Ground Hog Day at first.

If you get a chance to see your psych before she goes away, can you ask her for some management strategies for while you cannot see her? Also, does she have another psych she is prepared to send you to if things get desperate? Can you book appointments with your GP in this time? My GP is a wonderful support. She has gone away for three months but made sure I was organised with another GP in the practice first and brought this GP up to speed, with my permission.

Keep fighting

Mary