Is my relationship making me depressed, or is depression affecting my relationship?

[issy93]

Hi everyone,

Lately I've been having intense episodes of depression but they aren't long-lasting, they only last like 30 minutes and then I'm ok again. I get them once every few days, sometimes once a day. When they come, I can't stop crying really hard, and feel my life is just doomed.

Usually it's triggered when I'm around my boyfriend: when he does anything that remotely upsets me, or when I think of our past. He's a great boyfriend but in the past we've had several breakups, and because he has a cognitive disability from a car accident, he sometimes acts immature and doesn't think before saying things. It's really difficult. He doesn't EVER mean to upset me.

I have major trust issues due to our past but thing is we both love each other and are trying to make it work and put our past behind us. I can't cope with these constant depression episodes though.

 I don't know if I'm depressed and throwing it onto the relationship or if my relationship is making me depressed. Also is this depression or is it in fact bipolar since the depression doesn't last long at each time? I'm absolutely fine when I'm not experiencing an episode.

Thanks for any help.

[Narniakid]

Hey issy93, thank you for sharing with us.

Did you ever experience these episodes before you got into a relationship? The fact you say that they're triggered usually around your boyfriend says a lot, however I think what would be helpful is if you take a new perspective on things. I had depression for a good 5 years before my boyfriend and I got together, and he happens to have bipolar, so he often snaps at me without realising what he's doing. At first, it was pretty hard to bear with, and I was in the same boat as you, experiencing those depressive episodes whenever I got home from seeing him. However after a long conversation with him about how I was feeling, I was able to take a new approach to our relationship - after all, he is not here to cure me of my depression, rather he enhances my life. Whenever he snapped at me, I told myself it wasn't intentional, and just took it with a grain of salt. We also minimised the time we'd see each other, as spending 24/7 with each other we would start to get on each others nerves. Now, we see each other a few times a week, we talk on the phone, and we're always 100% honest with each other.

I think you need to sit down and have a good think about what you want from this relationship. Accept his flaws, be honest and open, and remember that a partner is there to enhance your life, not BE your life. You are still an individual, don't forget to do the things you like and have time to yourself.

Crystal

[Seekparadise]

I think Narniakid is pretty on point. Was it like this before you got together with him? Relationships can trigger all sorts of deep pain and insecurity, and because of this, they're always a chance for growth. Anything you have hidden from your immediate view can surface. This has happened to me a bunch of times. 

Definitely take the time to think about what exactly it is that triggers you off- maybe when you're in a good frame of mind write these things down and try to think about why you think these things set you off. I'm like this too, I feel like everything is falling apart and I cry like anything and then suddenly I feel fine again and I'm like what the hell was that???? 

But these things are happening for a reason and you need to dig deep. Keep a journal. Write these triggers down. Hopefully it'll help you gain much more clarity about what's going on inside you and if the relationship is helping or hindering 

good luck, I hope this helped. Love to you. 

[issy93]

Hey,

Thanks so much for replying.

I wasn't like this before I met him. I have always had anxiety but never had full blown depressive episodes before.

I think what triggers it is thinking about the past and thinking about the future with him - worrying that he might hold me back. As I said he is cognitively disabled and can't really study and has no direction in life at the moment, whereas I'm studying a science degree, so I feel a huge gap. I want someone who can have ambition and support me in the future.

Yes a partner is not my life but an enhancement of it, I like that thought Narniakid. But I'm worried that if I was to one day marry him and have kids, he'd very well be my life and my kids' life. I've been worrying about this particularly lately.