In over my head.

[Toni92]

Years of bullying at school lead me into a dark depression which I managed to overcome, so I can't say I'm a stranger to it.

For the last few months I've been fighting terribly with my parents over circumstances that I can't control and it has brought me back into the darkness more than I have ever been before. It is worse than last time as I feel there is no way out. 

When I sleep I'm plagued with anxious dreams that leave my nerves on end. When I'm awake I'm dull and lifeless. From someone that was always smiling to someone that is shared with so much negativity and sadness. The worse thing is I can't seem to break free of my own self. I want to be there for people but often it's a struggle to get through the day. 

My boyfriend is so understanding and supportive, but this past week I've found that all I want to do is push him away. When we are together I'm looking for any negative thing about him just so I can out my negative thoughts at ease in saying he can't be trusted, he's disloyal and he doesn't love me as much as he says he does. Even things as little as 'checking girls out' in front of me...when he probably only glances in their direction. It's like my depression is forcing me to be this insecure, stale and uptight person that isn't a good person to be around. I don't smile anymore, I rarely laugh and I have forgotten what is has been like to be happy just numb or sad. 

Is there any advice out there for not pushing the people closest to you away? Why do negative thoughts punish them most? 

[Neil_1]

Dear Toni;

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for being able to share your post.

 Things certainly sound like they’re really becoming very difficult for you and from what I can gather, you’re having to deal with this all on your own.

One thing concerns me though with regard to you boyfriend – when you said he’s disloyal – that can come under different interpretations, but if it’s the ‘bad one’ that I think it might be, then it’s no wonder you are having negative feelings about him.  I won’t say more on that though, just in case our versions of disloyal are greatly different.  But either way, it’s still not a good aspect that he’s showing.

Have you thought about, or have you actually been to a GP to have a chat about your situation?   Just obtaining thoughts and views from a professional might be something that could be beneficial to do.  On that and wishing for you to receive the best kind of advice, on this site Beyond Blue have a list of GP’s that can be searched for.  The thing with these GP’s is that they are all qualified in dealing with issues relating to mental health/illness.  And from that, they would be best able to advise whether there’d be a need for any possible referral for counselling and/or whether you may need the use of medication (even for a short time).

 Just on the pushing away aspect – as you started out by saying that your boyfriend is understanding and supportive;  it might be a good thing to go to the “resources” page on Beyond Blue and they have different articles that can be either printed out or you can arrange for Beyond Blue to send them through to you – in an attempt to get your boyfriend a bit more learned on the subject.  It might just help a little.

I hope something in my post has been of benefit to you and I do hope you can come back and respond again.

Neil

[Toni92]

Hi Neil,

Thank-you for your response. It's nice to know people out there care for others they don't even know. Hope for humanity. 

Sorry about the confusion - My boyfriend is loyal as they come...it's just my mind that seems to be searching for something even if it isn't true about him...because he's the closest thing to me. 

I'll most definitely look at the list of GP's as I really feel the need to talk to someone neutral and that won't take it personally. 

Thanks so much for your help. 

[Neil_1]

Hi Toni

Thank you so much for your reply and it was good to receive a bit of an update as well.

That is so good to read about your boyfriend – and perhaps even if you can find some literature for him to read up on, so he can be a little better informed – not only for himself, but also so that he’s perhaps read some things that he may be able to use to hopefully help you at different times.

I am very confident about the GP’s that Beyond Blue provide and as such, I hope that you are able to find someone who you feel comfortable with and able to talk too.

Also a little tip prior to your appointment – this always helps me – is to jot down on a piece of paper, some of the points/issues that you’d like to have discussed;  so it kind of gives you an agenda to talk about – but also, if you’re like me, sometimes in those appointments, you might forget something, and so if you’re prepared beforehand, that also gives you a feeling of comfort.

Hope to hear from you again if you’re ok to do so – and to see how you’re getting on.

Neil