I've never done anything like this before

1derwall · ‎17-10-2016

Okay well, this is my first ever post on the forums, I registered for beyondblue literally three minutes ago as I'm typing this. I don't really know much officially about my situation or if I'm ok, but I rarely feel like I am. I've hovered around beyondblue and other information websites about depression and mental health since the start of the year. I'm only young, (still in high school) but I'm almost certain I have depression. I feel like I can relate to many of the symptoms that people often mention when talking about depression- I'm often uncontrollably sad (almost numb) for no real reason, I severely lack motivation to do anything and sometimes I just feel like life- and my life- is pointless. I've barely spoken to anyone about this, only one of my closest friends knew the full extent of it and he and I had a falling out a few months ago. One of my biggest fears is my parents or my twin brother finding out- I come from a family of immense pressure to succeed in all aspects of life. Mostly though, it's because I fear they won't believe me, they'll think I'm lying for attention. It's because of this that I've never told them and never asked to see anyone to talk about it. To my parents at least, I think I appear successful and happy most of the time. A couple of my friends might notice when I have bad days but they never know what to do or say and nor do I. I am someone that always wanted to be the strong one, and although I want people to understand my situation, I don't want help. I don't really know what my point is with this post but I wanted it to be a place to start, so that someone may read it and it may make me feel like what's going on is real- and that I'm not just being weak, and maybe I'm not the only one. I just need someone to talk to.

MsPurple · ‎17-10-2016

Hi 1derwall. Welcome to the beyond blue (BB) forums. I understand what its like to have depression and symptoms at a young age. I am 25 myself and I suffered from mental health problems in highschool also. I want you to know that with the right support and help you can overcome it. If you are over 16 you can get your own medicare card, this allows you to go to the doctor (and your parents will not be told) you can also see the doctor without your parents but you would need to borrow their medicare card. I got my own at 16 as I was concerned my parents would find out as well and I didn't want them to know at the time. I will let you know that your parents won't be disappointed in you. Would they be disappointed if you were left handed? It is something you cant help or control. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain. You are not weak for having this. One in 4 will deal with mental illness first hand at some point in their life. It is a sign of strength admitting to yourself you have a problem and getting the help you need to overcome it. Have you heard of the service 'headspace'. It is a mental health youth service I have used. I found them excellent. You can see a GP, councellor, social worker, psychiatrist (google your local headspace for which ones your one specifically has). Give them a call and book an appointment. I saw their GP their because I wasn't confident going to my local GP about my mental illness. These people work with youth in the same situation as you everyday. They understand and can help you. It is also low cost. If this isn't for you, you can get e-councelling (online) through headspace or beyond blue website.

I strongly suggest you talk to your doctor or school counsellor about this. I know it is hard but it will make you happier in the long run. I didn't go to headspace till I was 23. I wish I went early because I struggled at uni and with my mental health way longer than was necessary. Now I feel better than I ever have and I can deal with more stress than I could have a year ago.

Hope this advise helps you. Keep me posted

geoff · ‎18-10-2016

hello 1derwall, would be able to google K-10 test this is to determine whether you may or may not have depression, so that would be a good start.
Maybe the falling out with your friend could be because you were trying to talk to him about some issues that you were having and he just didn't understand or didn't want to understand.
I am a twin just as you are and he has always been a great support for me for all the years I have been suffering so maybe it might be a good idea to talk with him, because if you don't then he will feel as though you aren't connected.
How often does the strongest person also want everything to go the way they had planned, but unfortunately somewhere along the line there is a hiccup and that's when they fall, and it then takes them a long time to realise and accept that it has happened, or maybe they don't want to accept it.
Twins obviously mean that you are born within a short time of each other, but there are twins who don't communicate which I find very sad, but I hope that you are both close, and if so then confide in with him, because after awhile your depression wil show through to everyone, sure you can hide it now, but eventually depression can not be hidden in the long run.
MsPurple has given you some very good points to think about.
Please do the test and then get back to us. Geoff.

1derwall · ‎18-10-2016

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for replying to my post, it means a lot. I just did the K-10 test you suggested and scored a 32 (Which puts me in he high range) I suppose this is just a little more confirmation to what I already suspected, but thank you for the suggestion.

I think my next move is to speak to my school counselor, I've been considering this for a while but was a little worried to set up an appointment. I'm a little intimidated to talk to someone face to face, I feel like I'd be awkward, or even freeze up and not know what I could say. Also, because I feel like there are a lot of different issues, I might not know where to start. I feel like I'd rather the sort of appointment where someone asks me questions, not one where I have to tell a story, because there is so much to say and no easy place to begin.

About my twin brother, I feel like I could be talking to him, as our relationship is very good and we are very close, but at the end of the day I think it just comes down to the fact that I don't want him to worry about me or think he needs to help me. I know I should probably tell him but I feel like this might seem out of the blue to him, and I don't want him to think it's not true or that I'm exaggerating anything, as I think that that is he type of person he sees me as at times. Overall, thank you for the advice, the fact that you took the time is very important to me and I appreciate it.

1derwall · ‎18-10-2016

Hi MsPurple,

thank you for the reply and such extensive advice, I appreciate it. Unfortunately, I only turned 15 a few weeks ago, so I'm too young to apply for a medicare card. The option to see the counselor at school is still open and it's something that I've been contemplating for a while. I've taken some small steps towards setting up an appointment, but in my head it seems to be a really extreme course of action. I feel it might be a bit awkward and not really my style but I've decided I should really give it a go. Thanks for the support, I'll keep your advice in mind.

Demi1 · ‎21-10-2016

Hi 1derwall,

My name is Demi, it is lovely to meet you 🙂 I am so glad you posted, thank you so much for opening up to us all. I'm sorry to hear that you feel as though you cannot talk to your family about how you may be feeling; although I do encourage you to continue to speak to anyone you do feel comfortable with (e.i. friends, school counsellor, teachers, year advisors,General Practicioners, or even calling 1300 22 4636 to speak to someone from Beyondblue.) I completely understand that it could be quite daunting expressing how you feel to others, and how you may be concerned about how they may react but it is extremely important that you do find an outlet to be open, honest, and voice your thoughts, rather than bottling them up.I want you to know that you are NOT weak by any means, and it actually takes an incredible amount of strength and courage to open up and share the way you have 🙂 I also want you to know that although each individual's experiences/ feelings are unique, you are not alone, there are people here who can relate and understand exactly where you're coming from.

I hope you find comfort and support within this forum, and look forward to hearing how you're travelling!

Demi x