I'm in pain

[BlueArt]

Hi,

So I've begun to really struggle again. I thought I had found this burst of motivation but I was wrong. I am in university again (I am trying my third degree because the other two went badly) and I'm just so done with it . I honestly have no idea what I want to do with my life. I don't have goals. I am sick of my friends telling me "you just have to deal with it". They compare it to their negative days but I have severe depression and anxiety. It is not the same. I'm tired and angry. I just found out that my knee has a lot of damage to it that will take intensive physiotherapy to fix. I injured it seven years ago, half of the problems with it could have been identified then if my doctor had done his job. I'm in physical and mental pain with no idea what to do. When I talk to people they just say "well what are your goals? work towards them" but I don't have any!!. I have no idea what I'm doing and just feel like an idiot. I have an assignment due tomorrow and I couldn't care less. I have barely touched it and don't want to. I don't know whether to drop out again but I know my parents will be disappointed if I do.

I am just so stuck with no idea what to do next. I feel like everyone I talk to just belittle's my problems like I should be able to just get over it but no one ever tells me how.

[smallwolf]

BlueArt,

Hello. Welcome to beyond blue. I think that you will find here people will not "just belittle's my problems" and will instead support you at this time. I am also familar with others telling me about their anxiety or depression that lasted about 2 days total. And when you constant feel empty or in pain!

Now since you are Uni you should be able to access counsellors on campus? I am sure that student services would be able to direct you to the right place. If you can do this, at least you won't have to deal with this all on your own?

Do you have distraction and coping tools for your anxiety? If not, check the forums for threads on (1) grounding and (2) mindfulness.

Will reply some more a bit later.

Tim

[therising]

Hi BlueArt

It's good that you are questioning things, that's how progress takes place. Personally, I'm not a fan of phrases such as 'You just have to deal with things' and 'You'll be right', seeing that such comments provide no form of management strategy when it comes to moving ahead. And, yes, chronic depression is very different from the average down day, seeing that one of the greatest challenges faced in depression involves not knowing when it will end if ever. By the way, I'm one of those people who did see my depression come to an end, so freedom always remains a possibility.

When it comes to career, one of the best pieces of advice I've ever heard is - Don't ask 'What do I want to do?' Instead ask 'Who do I want to be?' Deciding who you want to be may give you a clearer sense of direction. Do you want to be a hero - firefighter, police officer etc. A leader - teacher, politician, etc. The list goes on in regard to possible identity. Who did you want to be when you were younger? Did you love writing, painting and so on? Did you lose sight of yourself/elements of your nature? Anyhow, it's a bit of food for thought. A clear identity provokes passion.

Take care of yourself BlueArt

[BlueArt]

so I haven't posted here for a while but im not doing well.

Recently I've just started feeling like I have no one in the world I can connect with and really talk to. I have depression and anxiety. When I try to talk to my mum about it she just turns into how she experiences similar things with my dad and turns the conversation to her. I never get to express myself and on the rare occasions that I do she acts like im being dumb. She called being suicidal dumb. Not about me but someone we know, all I can think if I ever got to that stage she'd think im being an idiot. She treats me like a marriage counsellor always telling me how she can't stand dad sometimes etc. I don't tell her not to tell me cause I know she doesn't have anyone but me. I just don't know what im suppose to say back like she's talking about my dad. I don't have any close friends, they both moved away and live in the same street as each other now. I lost everyone and they still have each other, it hurts. I just hurt all the time. I feel lonely and tired and sad. Angry as well, over the dumbest shit. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone. My therapist I stopped going to because she literally laughed at some of the things I told her and she goes "seriously? you think that?". I felt so stupid. I keep getting these really dark moods and just don't know where im going in life anymore. I don't know what to do.

[therising]

Hi BlueArt

It's definitely more than frustrating when we're after empathy and knowledge and they happen to be the 2 things we're not receiving from those around us. I imagine the reason your mum looks to you for support is because you are empathetic and knowledgeable yourself in some way. With you having these traits, try to keep in mind that you are sensitive as opposed to 'dumb'. Sensitivity is not a weakness, it is a great strength when we become fully aware of the benefits.

Don't give up hope when it comes to finding a therapist that you click with. Such therapists are out there. You might need to become a bit of a detective in regard to finding the one that supports, guides and inspires you. Myself, I recently touched base with a great guide who is extremely supportive, empathetic and inspiring. He's a mixture of life coach and spiritual guide. I prefer the holistic approach which incorporates the whole mind/body/spirit thing. And yes, I do get that 'She's weird or dumb' vibe from others when it comes to this way of viewing life but it works for me in wonderful ways they fail to imagine. It's especially frustrating when the happier I am the more those around me poo poo my methods of obtaining well-being. You'd think people would encourage well-being, no matter the angle.

I can only speak from the depression angle (as I've never had to deal with the incredible challenges that come with anxiety). It will be a tough road ahead in regard to you progressing toward the positive changes you're seeking.The road will ask that you challenge the things which may have become a painful norm. Challenge the lack of empathy from others by calling them on their attitude or seek out more empathetic people. Challenge your mum to seek help. If she is defensive in regard to this suggestion, I imagine it's because she is being challenged to actively change. Challenge the idea of remaining isolated (without friendships). I believe you can think of other challenges to move forward with. Perhaps start small. Strange as it may sound, I have recently found that anger (for me) is a good thing. It's my brain's confronting way of screaming at me 'DON'T SETTLE FOR THIS, THIS IS NOT WHO YOU ARE!!!' Perhaps you can begin thinking of situations where anger has coincided with a need for personal change of some type. An interesting exercise indeed. It's incredible how anger can go from being 'a bad thing' to becoming 'a compass' of sorts, regarding direction.

Take care BlueArt

[BlueArt]

PLEASE READ THIS COMMENT- IT IS WHAT I NEED HELP WITH

Hi,

so I want to start this with saying I love my mum so much. So essentially my mum needs me to be her whole social life. She has a bad relationship with her family and has no friends. She is 60 and in a job she absolutely hates. I do enjoy spending time with her and catching up but I can?t be everything for her and I hate that I can?t.

she works nights so she doesn?t see my dad much or my brother who live at home. I moved out but recently due to Coronavirus I am back home but not permanently. She wants me to move home so I can spend time with her more. I don?t know what to do because I feel selfish but i can?t be everything for her. I feel like I can?t live my life the way I want to because then I?d be leaving her behind. I know she wishes she had friends she gets very lonely and that?s why she likes me being around.

I guess

I just don?t know what to do for best. I love her and I do spend as much time with her as I can but I?m 24 and I can?t live at home forever. Where she lives is a really quiet place so there isn?t much clubs or anything. I want her to be able to make friends and I know she does too but she also isn?t willing to do anything to make them that I suggest to her.
what do I do? I?m not wanting to leave her life I love her but I can?t be everything. She is sad and I hate that. How can I help her? Or should I be moving home?

[zguenzl]

Hi BlueArt,

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way & I'm also sorry your Mum isn't happy.

It's important to you that you support your mum, and that is really special. However it is also important for you to support yourself.

It is not your sole responsibility to look after a parent. Does your dad know about what's going on? I think the first step is to lessen the responsibility and get other people involved that your mum trusts and who love her.

Perhaps you could begin expressing some of these feelings to her that you love her and want to spend as much time as possible with her, but you also have things you need to get on with without her? Maybe you could recommend her speaking to a therapist?

This is largely about what makes you the most comfortable. So if my suggestions make you feel uneasy or apprehensive then of course find something that sits right with you.

But I think you need to find a way to take the pressure off yourself but still ensure your mum has enough support, that just doesn't have to be entirely you.

Let me know your thoughts?

All the best,

Zoe

[BlueArt]

Hi Zoe,

thank you for your reply.

my dad does know that she leans on me for friendship but he doesn’t really do much about it. They have been married a long time and they just don’t get along the way they used too. Their schedules clash a lot as well with mum working nights.

I have tried to get her to see a therapist but she refuses. She says that “if I start talking about it too much stuff will come up” and she doesn’t want to deal with those emotions.

It’s hard because she can be very alienating to us and new people. She is a very bitter person and she never lets things go so I’m honestly afraid to say anything more to her because she will never it let go or forgive me. She takes everything incredibly personally and sees it as an attack. She brings things up that dad or someone else in her life did years ago in arguments or just conversation today.

I feel like I have to be so careful if I ever want to express anything that she would disagree with.

[zguenzl]

Hi BlueArt, that sounds really tough 😕

Taking a step back, do you have people you can go to for support? Whether that be a relative/friend/therapist/otherwise.

That's a good place to start I think

Hope you're doing okay today,

Zoe

[BlueArt]

Hi Zoe,

I was seeing a therapist but with social distancing they have closed to meeting in person. They can do phone sessions but with living with mum she’d hear everything I talk about which I don’t want.

I did have a close friend I could talk to but we aren’t close anymore. Like I have friends but we aren’t close enough that I could talk about this to them.

she’s been yelling a lot today and I’m so annoyed and upset. Like for example she started screaming at me cause the phone they ordered for me as a birthday present still hasn’t arrived and my birthday was two days ago. I said I checked the tracking number and it now says a later estimated delivery date. So she starts going off saying things like “well they we need to bloody call them then! How hard is to make a phone call?! I’ll fucking do it then it’s obviously too hard” and stuff like that. Like how am I suppose to respond to shit like that she’s actually screaming at me because my present hasn’t arrived and because I haven’t called yet when they have all the order details because they did it.

I just feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her all the time. She never apologises for her outburst she just pretends they never happened.

I have no idea how to handle them.