I have nothing to hide, so here we go...

[Rachael]

I'm only three days into taking my antidepressants. I'm taking an SNRI each day, and I feel horrible. No energy, no motivation. I'm throwing up, I have headaches, my entire body is sore. I'm only 16, so I've had to take the past 3 days off of school because I just can't concentrate, and also my school counsellour recommended it. I know the effects of anti-depressants take weeks to kick in, but I don't know what to do until then.

I don't live with either of my parents. My mother never really wanted anything to do with me, so I was raised by my father. However when I was around 7 or 8, I was 'molested' by him. And it took me until about a month ago to tell someone, and that was my guidance counsellour. I don't know what took me so long to tell someone, but I felt better for doing it. I moved out, and about a week ago it all kind of started hitting me at once I guess. I cry every day now, and I'm no longer the person I used to be. I live with my aunt and her boyfriend, and they are constantly trying to suggest activities for me to do to try and lift my mood. Sports, clubs, going out. But I reject them all, because none of them interest me anymore. I have zero motivation to do anything really. These pills are making me feel even less motivated as well. Ehh 😞

My school work is being affected too. I haven't been able to concentrate or understand much of my work for a while now, but I assume that my aunt and teachers think it's because I'm the 'typical teenager' who doesn't want to work. But it's not that. As soon as I read my work, I forget it instantly. I'm in my second last year of school, so I can't afford to fail now.

A couple months ago I was self harming, and smoking. I've stopped both because I realise neither are going to help me. I've been having suicidal thoughts for quite a while now too. I've told my 2 counsellours and my doctors. I've gone into much detail with my thoughts, such as when and where, how... but the thing that stops me every time is my aunty, I would never be able to do that to her.,, I guess what I'm asking for is help. I'm on medication yes, but I just need help. My mind is all cloudy and confused,  

[rachaelx]

Well I have recently received the news that my father is an ongoing 'molesterer', if that's what you would call it. He has abused other members of my family.

I am now faced with the decision on whether or not to tell my step-mum about this. She is currently engaged to my father, and she is waiting for her VISA to be approved, as she has been living overseas for a while. They also have a 6-month old daughter, and I am extremely worried for my little sister.

It's alarming that he has molested not only me, but other family as well. He has had a long history of abuse and violence, and I believe something needs to be done. But by me doing this, telling my step-mum, my sister will grow up without her dad. I spent many years apart from my mum, and that affected me greatly. But I know that if she knew what was going on, she'd thank me for saving her from him.

I would like some feedback on this. It feels like a big decision, because once I tell her, my father will lose everyone around him. I still feel bad, as he raised me for many years. I don't know.   

[rachaelx]

And I'm still taking anti-depressants, but the suicidal thoughts are getting worse.

The other night, I had a rather scary dream about hurting my father. Should I be alarmed I'm having these dreams?

But back to my thoughts. I go into detail with them.  I'm losing hope really fast. I go through my moments of being happy. Then when I stop being busy, or at night time when I'm alone, I start thinking even more negatively. I often think that the world would be a better place with me not in it. I'm sick of suffering. I see other people's stories on BB, and it takes them months, if not years, to recover. I don't want that.

This is something I wrote the other night when I was in bed. Seemed like a pretty good representation of what I was feeling:

You are the thing that used to be normal, but that was so long ago, you can hardly remember. You used to be happy. You used to smile. You once lived without a care in the world. But now, that means nothing. You’re alone. All alone with your thoughts. You feel as if you’re trapped. Trapped within the confinements of your own mind. Trapped within your body. Trapped in a world you have no desire to be in anymore. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. When you talk, it’s as if you’re screaming. It’s like you’re screaming, and no one can hear you. No one seems to care. No one seems to care that you’re hurting. No one seems to notice the pain that you’re in. Words can’t describe it. No words can describe the hopelessness you feel. The shame. The suffering you endure. The sadness. You’re depression seems like a never-ending internal battle. You can never win. There are some days that are better than others. When things seems to be looking up. But there are those other days. Days where endurance seems near impossible. Where enduring your pain and suffering seems unachievable. Unmentionable. You receive funny looks from others. No one understands. You just want to spend your time alone. But the truth is, being alone is just as bad as being with others. You walk into a room full of people, and you instantly feel alone. It’s as if your mind … your head, holds a whole another world entirely. And to be honest, the world you hold seems so much more appealing than your current one. Everything seems so far away. Beyond you’re reach. Everyday tasks become an endless chore for you. You realize you have lost interest in tasks you used to love. In tasks you used to enjoy. The harder things get for you, the more suicide presents itself as inviting. The more tempting it becomes.  You want to be free. Free of the pain, free from humiliation, free from forever disappointing the world…. Free.

[beyondblue_Online_Communi]

Hi rachaelx We’re really sorry to hear that things are worse for you at the moment and glad that you’re reaching out here and letting people know what’s going on for you. We wanted to reply here, to let you know that we’re worried about you and to encourage you to seek some support today.  Please get in touch with your support team today and let them know how you are feeling, so that they can review your support needs and treatment. If you’re not currently linked with professional support, please check your email as we’ve also sent you contact details and locations of your nearest community mental health service. You can also call Beyondblue 1300 22 4636 or Kids Help Line 1800 55 1800 at anytime for extra support. It might not feel like it at the moment, but please remember that with the right support and treatment things can get better.  Please take care and keep us updated with how you’re going.

Beyondblue Team
 

[geoff]

dear Rachaelx, I'm so pleased that you have got back to us, even though it's under difficult circumstances.

Personally I would tell your future mother in law about your dad, because in the long run the marriage will only fail, and with this it will create your dad to go hunting again, and you don't want this nor does the rest of your family.

There's every chance that he may go outside the family, because he's a **********, and they do it once, but that's not enough so he will keep on going.

Your future mother in law would be devastated, horrified and disgusted, and he's only using the marriage as a disguise.

BB have given you some good advice, please ring them, and your naughty for not posting back after all this time, because you have really been suffering. Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Hi Rachael

Great advice from both BB and Geoff, just above, and could you do it via a combination of the two;  ie:  could you get in touch with the Support Team and out of that, would it be possible to get someone to go along with you when you tell your step mother?  I only raise this if you feel that you might need support when speaking with her, as I have no idea what kind of relationship you have with her.

But you might feel ok with talking to her ... but this is super important that you do this, as you don't want your little sister being possibly faced at some stage in the future with what you had to endure.  Absolutely no way.

Please stay with us and get back to us with how your going.  We're here for you to support you as best we can, but also get in touch with the BB Support Team so they can help you right now.

Kind regards and take care

Neil

[rachaelx]

Thankyou all, and the BB moderator.

I've told my step-mum, but the complicated part is that she lives overseas. The only way I had to tell her was over Facebook, which I find pretty sad. 

I'm also going to go through the steps of pressing charges on my father. 

[geoff]

dear Rachael, good girl, I'm so pleased that you have made this decision, it has to be done, to not only protect yourself, but to look after any future targets that he may have in mind.

Facebook is something that a lot of people communicate by, but can you talk to her via skype.

Please remember that you will have all the appropriate authorities behind you in every way that's possible to charge your father, and it also means that this decision made by yourself requires great strength, so now you are beginning to see some light.

Can you please keep us in touch with how you are going, because there maybe times when something along the way may traumatise or upset you,but he needs to be charged.

Good girl and I am very proud of you. Geoff. x

[Jo3]

Hi Rachael

Well done for telling your step mum even though you told on her Facebook.  That's is a first step to your recovery.  

I am so happy that you have made that decision to take further action with regards to your dad.  Please stay strong, stay true to yourself and believe in yourself that you can do this.  

I wish I could just give you a big hug.  So I'm sending your way lots of hugs :):):)

Please keep in touch and let us know how you're going.

Well done again Rachael

Jo xx

[Neil_1]

Hi Rachael  

Well done Rachael on what you’ve done and what you’re proposing to do.  I realise this must have taken a fair while for you to come to this decision, but it is the right one. 

To be able to do this shows just how much strength and courage you have inside.  It is such a positive step and as Geoff mentioned, by doing this, you will have support mechanisms put in place for you and please use them.  

Again, such a courageous thing to do and remember, you have so much support and care being extended to you on this site … and yes, please write back to us whenever you need too.  

Cheers  

Neil  

[rachaelx]

Hi Geoff, Jo and Neil. 

It does require great strength, so that's why I'm surprised I've reached that decision. Didn't realise I had it in me. 🙂

Thanks Jo, many hugs back to you! I know from your posts you're going through things just as saddening, so I feel for you. 

I don't want to begin any of this legal stuff until after Christmas. I don't want to stress my mum and family out too much, so I was thinking of waiting till the new year. 

I will admit Geoff, that I am guilty of not staying in touch 🙂
But as you's all now, things get hard, and it requires alot of will to keep trying. And with that, communicating with people and letting people in. 

Thankyou to all of you. You're support means more than you'll know. You's feel like family to me. 🙂