i feel so much that i feel nothing and it's ruined my life for the past 3 years.

[spontaneous sunflower]

I'm so tired of it. It hurts, it hurts so much that it doesn't. Right now, typing this, I don't feel depressed or anxious or anything of the sort. I've had quite a pleasant week actually. But I don't feel genuinely happy either, or optimistic or content. I don't know if it makes sense.. but it's like I'm depressed without quite feeling depressed. Like my mind has closed itself of those thoughts for most of the time, but they're still there. Like right now, typing this, I can feel some of the depressive thoughts lingering in my mind, they're present but still kind of hidden. I find it so hard to verbalise them out loud or even into writing. Sometimes something triggers one of those depressive thoughts I have locked away, and I find myself crying and actually feeling depressed. But as soon as that moment's gone, the thought locks itself up again.

I think the reason I've blocked all of my negative thoughts in my mind is because I'm sick of it.They're all thoughts and feelings I've had before and I feel frustrated that I still haven't kicked them to the curb. I'm not surprised though- I should've kept going to my psychologist, I should've asked for help sooner, I should've prioritised good eating and exercising habits... but here we are. I'm determined to get back on track but I'm disheartened because this isn't the first time I've had to "get back on track". I know life is basically a series of messing up and then getting yourself back together again and again, but I'm 17 and I haven't lived properly for a good couple or so years. Every year for the past 3 years, I've experienced a tough patch- a good 3-4 months of the year spent with severe anxiety and depression. Both 2018 and this year, that tough patch has lasted for maybe even half the year. I honestly feel like I've lived more than half of the past 3 years in darkness. And you have no idea how badly I want to live in the light, to be happy, to see beautiful places and meet wonderful people. I want to go on adventures, face fears, achieve great things. But I'm always just waiting for that day where things fall back into place, that day that I wake up and realise the solution to my problems. I'm sick of waiting. I want to go out there and get my life back.. but I don't even know where to start.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Spontaneous sunflower

There are so many things I want to blurt out onto this page after reading your post, I can see a wonderful human who is bogged in the mud and so very much trying to get out, I am so pleased that you have shared this with us and that you are wanting to see beautiful things and meet wonderful people and you will have that, why..because you want it so badly. Even though you have had previous struggles with these feelings and thoughts they are not who you are and they are not what lay in store for your future. This is like if you were trying to lose weight, or trying to quit smoking, or trying to give up alcohol, not many people succeed the first time, it is a journey and takes many times of falling down, and here is a cliche for you....but it really is how you get up that matters. You are doing that every day, you are showing up to life and you are trying. You are here and you are reaching out. That is wonderful.

You are so very aware of your feelings and your emotions and that is so wonderful too, I also wanted to mention something to you and that is that horrible word "should"..." I should've kept going to my psychologist, I should've asked for help sooner, I should've prioritized good eating and exercising habits..."..see the thing is that is that it places so much expectation and so much judgement on one self, if it were easy you would have done it, if this road to recovery was as simple as asking for help and staying with your psychologist you would have done that too....the only thing you "should do" is be kind and give yourself time. This is a journey and as you know will not be fixed over night.

I am no professional here, just someone who cares and it would be great to chat to you some more and find out some more about you, only if you want to that is...

You are so much stronger than you know and so very brave and I am proud you are here, reaching out to get some support.

Hugs to you SS

AS

[spontaneous sunflower]

Hi AS,

Thank you for replying, you said some very nice things and I am very touched. I was really feeling down when I typed that post before, and I am feeling a bit better now... obviously not sunshine and rainbows and whatnot, but I have managed to dry my tears and think more clearly again.

You are right, "should" is a horrible word. I use it way too much. I put so much pressure on myself and beat myself up for my past failures. I am kind of a perfectionist- I am terrified of failure, of what people think of me and of not achieving my goals... funnily enough, for a perfectionist, I do fail a lot. I know failing is a part of life and from failures and mistakes, you learn and grow. I have made some mistakes that I can now accept as learning and growing experiences. I think it took me a while to get there though, because I am really struggling to let go of some of my more recent mistakes/failures.

For example... due to missing a lot of school this year, I failed some classes and as a result, I have had to make the decision to not graduate next year but a year later. Of course I see the benefits (I will be less stressed as I have longer to get better and improve my grades, and at least I will graduating, even if it takes longer) but it's been really hard for me to truly accept it.I have always been a smart person, getting good grades, more or less staying on top of my work, etc. My grades have suffered a bit this year due to mental health issues, not because I'm not smart enough or wasn't trying. Graduating later doesn't make me less smart. But regardless of how many times I tell myself those things, it just feels like the biggest blow. Like honestly, my worst fail yet. It's ridiculous of me to say these things though, because if my friend told me she had to graduate a year later, I would 100% support her and not think less of her. But I can't say the same for myself, and it's really affecting me because I haven't told any of my friends yet, I don't know how to tell them. I feel horrible for not telling them because well, I'm basically lying to them about a lot of things, like what I'm doing next year or whatever.

I'm sure somehow I will figure it out, whether that be on my own or with the help of some others. Life is just a tough thing to be going through right now, especially alone. It could be heaps worse, I'm grateful for the fact that at least I don't have things worse but it's still a difficult thing to deal with.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Spontaneous sunflower

I am so happy you are here to chat and I can relate to your feelings of being a perfectionist, not because I am one but my brother was one, he was the dux of year 8, 9, 10, 11 and got yes 100% atar, he was offered 3 scholarships to attend his chemical engineering degree and yes everything was about his academics. While it is important, it was not who he was and nor is your schooling who you are. If you have to graduate next year instead, so be it, no one in your future will say "oh hi, yeah your that kid that had to graduate the following year after your friends"...NO ONE will....your friends I am sure will not be judgmental of your having to take an extra year to graduate, and like you said, if it was one of your friends who said it to you all you would be is supportive, you will find the same kindness in them I am sure. You are not lying to them you are just not telling them and there is a difference. I think the next time "what are you doing next year" comes up you could say "well, I will actually be doing this again next year, I loved it so much I am spreading it out over a few years"...make it light hearted, after all it is not a hideous crime, it happens to many students each year, I know it is hard to swallow for you as you are a perfectionist, but maybe this will help you...on your journey to drop the pressure and drop the title and just be you...and start to be kind to you and to love you.....I am glad you can see you put alot of pressure on yourself...means you can back off and be kind to you...start thinking of your mental health and your happiness. Your marks and not who you are...

OK rant over..lol

It is a really tough time for you and I am so pleased you have had the strength to reach out here and to get some support and some comfort, hope to chat some more.

AS

[therising]

Hi spontaneous sunflower

It can definitely be hard to raise our self out of that darkness and into the light, especially when we can't quite put our finger on what lowered us into the darkness to begin with. I find that the insane conditions placed on us throughout life can come to drain the life out of us if we're not careful. So much stress and pressure to conform to the craziness.

Easier said than done but I try eliminating the words 'stress' and 'pressure' from my vocab as much as possible. I try replacing them with 'challenge'. Sounds simplistic, I know, but 'challenge' promotes ascension whereas 'stress' or 'pressure' promotes suppression or suffocation. We rise to a challenge. We are capable of raising our self gradually, bit by bit, or looking to others to raise us in productive ways (aka positive guidance).

• You did rise to the challenge of attending as much school as possible, given the exhausting and sometimes debilitating nature of depression and anxiety. For some, it's hard enough just to rise out of bed
• You're rising to the challenge of self questioning and greater consciousness, instead of ignoring issues
• You've risen to the challenge of releasing through tears. Some can't do this. It personally grinds my gears to hear people say that we shouldn't cry but toughen up instead. Some poor folk have come to suppress crying, for this reason. Crying is a highly productive form of stress release. Yes, can definitely be exhausting but we need exhaust systems in order to function effectively and not explode

There will always be challenges ahead for us because, basically, as long as we're alive we never stop rising.

When it comes to speaking to your friends, maybe pick one to start with who you know will raise you up. Choose a friend who will most likely say stuff like 'Don't worry, I've got your back. You've made a good decision' and so on. Steer clear of folk who have the potential to lower you, unless you wish to accept the challenge of raising their level of consciousness.

It is hard to rise to a challenge when we're mentally exhausted but when we do come out the other side of some challenge (no matter how small or how great), we can honestly say 'I am amazed how I have risen despite such exhausting circumstances. I am greater than what I believed myself to be'. The light gets brighter because we have risen to meet the challenge. Sometimes failure or success can play a rather insignificant part beyond such an achievement as raising our self.

🙂