I feel sad and it seems like there's no way out

[continuousventer]

Hi all

I'm supposed to go to sleep soon, but I feel sad. I have been feeling sad almost everyday now. I see a psychologist though but, I don't really have anyone to talk to when things get tough.

I grew up really poor and I have been living in a dysfunctional home for all of my life. I study full time at uni and I can't afford to move out. My mum calls me a demon and makes me feel terrible about myself. My mum is never there for me and watches the tv. She never lifts me up, she tells all of her friends and relatives that I'm weak and she tells me that I am weak and that I can't do her job.

My psychologist made me realise that I have been abused for all of my life. But I am just so confused because everyone always pushes me to my mum. And my view of the world is complex, I don't have anyone but myself.

Since my mum and dad spilt, my mum tells me she doesn't make enough money to support me so I get money from the government to survive. It's tough.

I currently do occupational therapy and it has made me realise how wrong I am for OT. I've had sleepless nights. When I study, I need a blanket wrapped around me. I feel like I am not smart enough. I don't even have my car license because when I first started driving, I drove with my mum and I got into a car accident. Feels like other people come from good families and have enough money to survive.

I have this pressure to be at uni or to have a job because I know in 5 or 10 years time, my mum will probably no longer work and I might not have a roof or even food to eat.

My mum makes me so ill. I used to see mental health services, but it always seemed like I was the problem. When I had my mental breakdown and got a manic episode, she made me seem like I was the problem. I was the problematic daughter. But she never let me into her life. Whenever I said that I was tired or sad, she would say "you think you're the only one who's sad"

I am getting really sick. I can feel it because I cannot seem to accept the people in my life who care for me. I am worried about them leaving me when they graduate from uni and I am still poor. I feel like people use that victim mentality against you. I also feel like people use things against me a lot.

Feels like I have to be normal, but I am dying on the inside.

[Desedrata]

It might help to have a chat to the Uni councellor about how you are feeling in general, how you feel about your chosen career path and ask them about assistance with getting a dorm room at the Uni and about potential scholarships for the new year and what you might be able to do now in order to get one to help with the costs of study.

This will give you much needed independance and take some of the strain off your relationship with your mother. It will also give you a place to go when you need your privacy but also your peers won't be far away so, you will have plenty of company should you wish to interact with the other students.

[continuousventer]

Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately, I can't go to the uni counselor unless I finish all of my 10 bulk billed sessions. Their sessions are only worth 20 minutes.

[Philomena]

Hi continuousventer

know that you are never alone in this world you are precious loved and cared for more than you can imagine from above.

life has many challenges people you believed in trusted even those nearest and dearest will let you down but you should never give up on yourself. Situations like this should make you stronger bolder and courageous.

Never give up on yourself life has much more to offer. Each day is a gift that has to be valued and make good use of it by appreciating the little things you have be blessed with and think that your pain and suffering is nothing compared to people who are suffering much more in the world today. Count the many blessings you have and be thankful.

Never let anyone or anything anyone does put you down. It may hurt but put it aside and try to think of something better you can think of or do. Reach out to someone who needs your help may be family or a friend and find joy in that.

No one has a perfect life there is bound to be ups and downs but be strong be hopeful of a better brighter future ahead of you . There is always hope don’t let despair or depression put you down.

Be strong and you will win.

[continuousventer]

Thanks Philomena. I don't think comparing my suffering to someone else is the way to go though.

[Desedrata]

I am sorry to here that. However the Uni main reception could give you information about dorms, payment plans and scholarships should you wish either. It might also be a good idea to call up Centerlink and tell them that you have not been coping as they can often have gems of advice as well and may be able to direct you to further assistance.

[Wazowski]

Hi continuousventer,

I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling. You have had to deal with so much your whole life, and it is completely understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed and sad. Growing up in a dysfunctional and unsupportive environment would have a huge impact on the way you view yourself, and it makes sense that you don’t think you will be able to achieve your goals and become an occupational therapist. However I want to acknowledge that despite all your setbacks, you are studying. It might seem like its harder for you than anyone else, but it is a great achievement to be accepted into that course, and to still be studying despite your difficult living situation. You are also doing what you can to get help by seeing a psychologist and reaching out on this forum.

You mentioned that you have people in your life who care about you, but you have a tendency to push them away, but you also said that you don't really have anyone to talk to when things get tough. I was wondering who these people are who care about you, and how might you be able to feel comfortable to talk to them? It’s great that you have a psychologist to support you, but sometimes it is nice to have a chat with friends.

You also mentioned something else in one of your replies about it not being beneficial to compare yourself to others. I think this was a really insightful comment, and I completely agree with you. This is your story, and only you know what your experience is, and comparing yourself to anyone else cannot bring about anything positive.

Good luck with everything and please feel free to write back here anytime you like!

Wazowksi

[continuousventer]

Hello Wazowski

Thanks for your really understanding reply, I am very appreciative of it. My upbringing really does have an impact on how I view myself. I need to stop listening to that voice of mine that tells me I am not worthy of being in the same profession as people who are richer than me.

My closest friends are a former refugee, two engineers and one biomedical student. I am feeling okay now because I haven't seen my friends for a long time bc of studying. I literally eat lunch alone.

It's just different to relate to people who have a simple way of life, like they know they can trust their family and that whenever they have problems they have someone to go to. But when I have problems, it's like pls go see the therapist but the therapist costs money to see and all I really need is a friend to listen.

I mean I get what Desedrata was trying to say, I was just really feeling sad and I regret writing this post even though I needed it
I was quite negative

Thank you though