i feel like i'm going nowhere

[Guest_236]

I hope you're all doing well, drinking your water, getting fresh air.

I'll get straight into it. I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice or just someone to listen, I'd appreciate either.

I'm nearing the end of year 12 and currently preparing for trials. There's zoom classes, online work, homework, personal study – I don't know which one to prioritise. More than that, my fears of the present and future is leaving me paralysed.

I'm constantly wondering, what if I don't get the ATAR I need? What if I sit in the exam room and have no clue where to begin? I'm constantly thinking about death, grieving over loved ones who aren't even gone. I think about how trivial and a waste of time school is – I could be finding myself, learning to love myself, building the skills I want, becoming good at my hobbies. I feel like school has made me lose sight of who I am. And if I can't even make it through school, how could I ever survive the real world?

These thoughts make it impossible to study without getting distracted or depressed or anxious. And even when I am super focused, I feel like I'm barely getting anything done.

It seems like everyone else finds it so much easier than me. They're focused, they're productive, they understand the content, they have their life together. When my friends tell me they're stressed about school, I secretly feel so upset, because I know they've always been doing so much better than me.

I know I'm not the most hard working person, but I feel like this is something beyond laziness. I think I've tried every tip and trick in the book to study more efficiently, but nothing works and I'm the common denominator. I feel so broken and incapable. I've always felt like there's something wrong with me but year 12 has really brought that feeling to the front of my mind. I just want to lay in bed until it all blows over

[Sophie_M]

Hi Guest_236 


Thank you for posting and joining the Beyond Blue Community. We want to welcome you here and applaud you for taking the step to reach out for support. Often the first step is the most difficult, so you have done tremendously well so far.
 
We are so sorry to hear that you have been struggling with studying and with difficult intrusive thoughts. It is important to acknowledge the pressure that impacts us during school and how difficult school is. It can be easy fall into a trap of feeling like we are the cause of our own suffering without acknowledging the incredible difficulty that faces us when we are transitioning from years of schooling to a life outside of that.
 
What sort of supports do you have that you trust at the moment? Is there a school counsellor that you can speak to?
 
If you would like to talk to someone outside of school, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.


We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).


We hope you can find the support and space you are looking for here.

[Petal22]

Hi Guest 236,

Wellcome to our forums!

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way…….

I understand school can be stressful especially year 12….

Sorry your intrusive thoughts are causing you anxiety……. I understand anxiety I had severe anxiety OCD, I have now recovered from the condition……. Thanks to the help of health professionals…..

Have you thought about talking to a health professional about the way you are feeling? You could start at your gp, you could do a mental health plan together this will enable you to see a psychologist…..

Have you had any thought as to what you want to be after school?

I know people who haven’t completed high school but still have great careers……. we all grow in different ways in life……. I’m sure as you grow older you will realise that school doesn’t define you…. If you do good or not so good at school it doesn’t matter….. your life journey is that a journey……. I’m sure you will grow and learn along the way no matter how school pans out……. Go in the direction that your heart wants to take you in! I’m sure everything will work out…..

Please don’t compare your self to others…… just stay true to your self …..you will get there 😊

here to chat

[therising]

Hi Guest_236

What an incredibly challenging year for you. My heart goes out to you as you face not only the struggles and challenges that come with year 12 but year 12 under the conditions of COVID. It's definitely mind altering stuff.

I'm mum to a gal who completed VCE last year and a guy who's struggling with year 10 this year. With my daughter facing such a challenging emotional roller coaster ride last year under COVID and with my son facing the challenges that come with so much new found wondering this year, there have been a lot of wake up calls which have been mind altering for not just them but myself and others included.

It sounds like you've woken up to the fact that the education system is seriously broken in so many ways. You probably already knew it but this is like a whole new level of awareness. What kind of system mentally exhausts and regularly stresses its people to various degrees for years, with such uniform learning? What kind of system is largely set up for academically minded people, forgetting about the ones who aren't so academically minded? My son's more of a right brain person. He has a truly brilliant imagination and therefor faces a lot of challenges that come with subjects which are more analytically based. He does pretty well with biology largely because it's quite a visual learning subject. I don't want to completely poo poo the Australian education system, just point out the challenges when it comes to the faults in it. Do you ever find it questionable how when you say to an older person 'I can't stand school' and their response is 'Well, I had to go through it. We all do'? To me, that's the equivalent of 'We all had to suffer through a system full of faults that the top dogs aren't interested in changing'.

Could you actually say what's 'wrong' with you is...you have a truly brilliant mind that's seriously bored, disinterested and confined to a situation that doesn't serve such brilliance? You obviously have a wonderful mind otherwise you wouldn't be wondering about so much.

Due to such disinterest in certain subjects, my son has begun exploring mindfulness exercises to help shift his focus out of his imagination. When our imagination's far more interesting than what we're meant to be focusing on, it's hard to come out of it without having strategies in play. Wondering if researching mindfulness exercises would make some difference to you, offer you some strategies when it comes to getting through the rest of the year.

🙂

[Guest_236]

I think I needed to hear this. Thank you so much. I'll definitely look into the mindfulness strategies! 🙂 Hope you have a lovely day and good luck to your son!! We need more creatives in this world

[therising]

Hi Guest_236

When you look at the creative visionaries in this world, they all have truly brilliant imaginations.

Elon Musk is said to employ people to do a lot of the hard work. He imagines what the future looks like and throws his visions out to his empolyees to have them work on bringing it all into reality. He will not employ anyone who does not share his vision. He envisioned a better education system for one of his kids, as he wasn't overly thrilled with how inadequate basic education was. He actually started a school to inspire other kids, not just his own. Oh, to have that much money to bring our imagination into play on a whole new level.

One of the most amazing people in history would have to be Nikola Tesla, in my opinion. Picture an imagination so brilliant to the point where you could not only invent things but before you brought them into reality you could pick your inventions apart in your mind to find the faults. This guy had an imagination that was not only inspiring but mind blowing. In the 1920s, he envisioned a future where we would have a pocket sized device we could not only communicate through we would be able to see who we were talking to. He's a fascinating guy.

Most visionaries are open minded people who cannot help but question the limitations within closed minded systems. While their imagination/vision is strong, it is balanced by focus, mindfulness.

You have a brilliant mind which I can easily imagine being a guiding light for others. As I say to my kids 'I believe your generation will, collectively, be the greatest generation in history. Your generation cannot tolerate the intolerable, cannot settle for things which are unsettling. Your generation is so sensitive to the point where you can easily sense injustice, oppression and a lack of inspiration and sometimes this hurts. You are visionaries who see a future filled with differences, ones this world has been waiting for'. I say, thank goodness your generation is here, to show the rest of us how not to settle.

🙂

[Guest_236]

Hi again, the rising! And thanks for your response. You seem like a really wonderful mother. Your kids are just as lucky to have you as you are to have them.

However, I feel a bit hesitant to call myself a "visionary"...

Maybe I agree that I have a "brilliant mind". I'm perceptive and empathetic. I like how I interpret the world and people around me... I just don't feel capable of expressing these interpretations. Every outlet feels beyond my skillset. I love writing, art, music, etc. but every time I try to use these hobbies as an outlet, I get frustrated because nothing does my internal world justice, especially since I'm not good at my hobbies. Even when it comes to presenting myself to others, it's so difficult to control how I communicate and express myself. I stumble over my words, lose track of what I'm saying, or totally blank out. It's hard to explain, but it's like when I get out of my head, there's a haze. Everyone thinks I'm an introverted little airhead, but really, there's just so much going up in this lil noggin and I don't know how to express it.

I AM, however, good at things like organising, planning, categorising, editing, correcting... But I'm not creative enough to create something from nothing, and I'm not intellectual enough to put my plans into motion. So I feel like all the things I'm good at are just suffix talents, if that makes sense?

I think that's one of the reasons I'm so frustrated with school. I just want to work on my hobbies so I have outlets to then find myself in. But instead, it feels like school has killed any kind of passion I used to have, especially for art and English.

But I shouldn't complain. If I just got out of my head, worked harder, focused more and managed my time better, I could make time for my hobbies. I wouldn't be so left behind and useless. I guess it's just the age old question of "is this laziness, or depression?"

I could go into so much depth, explore the different avenues of my internal monologue, but alas, there's a character limit haha. Sorry for rambling... My goal here isn't to fish for compliments, I think I just want to get this – these thoughts – out there... Somewhere. Anywhere. So thank you for listening 🙂 I appreciate it more than you know.

[cabbagebus]

Hi Guest,

I hope you’re doing okay.

I finished year 12 last year and I know how hard it can be, but I guess I can offer up the fact that it doesn’t last forever and we’re already halfway through the year.

All you can do is your best. That’s it. Nobody can ask anymore of you. It’s okay to feel like you won’t make it, but you will. And if you don’t – that’s okay, too. You are special and important, and you have something unique to bring to world. Just from one post I already think you seem quite thoughtful and kind.

High school is a waste of time in some ways, but I think there are nuggets of gold in there and maybe… I don’t know… I’d like to think there really is a point to it, evenly if it’s as mundane as making it easier to get a job. All that stuff you said… “finding yourself”, “learning to love yourself” - it’s such a lovely way to look at life and I hope you get the opportunity to pursue those things.

There’s this line from a story we had to read in English class where the narrator (a year 12 student) described having “the horizon around our ears” and my teacher explained how it was supposed give a sense of how open and possible everything feels at the end of high school. And I think I remember it because I think it’s true. Once high school is over, there really are an infinite number of possibilities, and you have the freedom to choose any of them, I guess.

When it feels like too much maybe you could just focus on getting through the next week or day or hour. Don’t forget to feel proud of yourself for the little things too. Don’t forget that, despite appearances, a lot of other students feel the same way right now and you aren’t alone.

Wishing you the best,

CB 🙂

[Guest1020]

When I was in uni, no one asked or cared about Atar. There are numerous ways to get into uni. Such as uniprep, stat entry, portfolio entry, TPC in Sydney, etc. Uni has become accessible.

You did yr 12 in covid times which is doubly exhausting and stressful already. Just try hard and check in with your mental health.

[chadicha]

Wow, I left school last year and reading this I thought I was listening to myself. I was a wreck in my year 12 year, exactly how you are, like mental breakdown daily, losing sight of who I was, no fire inside, I felt like I lost my passion and zest for life and I really did then..but it never goes completely its only buried down by the weight of studies, chronic stress, expectation. You will always come back to yourself but its a process. Please let me reassure you...it gets better once school is done. Your going to be free, have a lot more time on your hands to explore your hobbies, choose the people you want in your life, choose the advice you listen to, your own direction, goals and not be constantly pressured by expectation of achieving so high. I didn't get the highest ATAR or the one I knew I wanted, and I felt like I wasted so much of my being on a stupid number that I wasn't even that happy with. I was just like you, but you realise it helps you see how after your soo much more than it. It is so invalid in reality, uni's want more students for the profits anyways. If you have a real passion for it they're going to want you, and if there is a will theres a way. Your going to end up where you need to be! Your destined for it so don't destroy yourself in this process, it's going to build your resilience and ability to care for yourself so much more in the future.

Year 12 is mainly about achieving one goal and thats a good Atar. Real life is not like this, you choose your goals you wanna pick. You can stop and start anything or defer at any time, or take a break and not feel bad about it. Things are gonna change for the better for you, theres a massive light at the end of this very dark tunnel let me tell you.

They say when you lose yourself, it only makes you get back to yourself in a better stronger way and when I tell you I never believed id be okay again. I felt so damaged and far gone, but you will heal! (Even if you can't see it now. Your joy and wellbeing is worth so much more, if your mind isn't focusing or retaining, its telling you something. Maybe spend more time focusing on your mental wellbeing and put aside studies for a bit or don't give yourself completely to it because trust me nothing is worth stealing your health over. It will allll work out 🙂