Why do I change my entire personality so often?

[user9463728]

No idea where to post this lol. I've never told anyone I do this but I've noticed that I've done this since I was very young. When I was younger it didn't occur as often but I feel like it's getting more frequent. One that I clearly remember was when I was around 10, I took dancing lessons and there was this girl who always caught my eye. I copied the way she acted and when she and her mum weren’t in the room, I'd go to her bag write down the labels of everything in her bag. I even started to crack my knuckles just because she did. I tried smiling the way she did and dancing the same way. When my dance teacher didn't give me the same opportunities or treated me the same I would get pissed off and wouldn't dance how they wanted me to. I even faked injuries to sit out and watch the girl. (I tried to make sure I wasn't being really creepy lol) After I watched her for a while, I would be so excited to go to school the next day and try everything the girl did with her friends to my school friends. I even tried hugging them more because that's what she did.

Nowadays I still do this but the person I choose to mimic will be anyone, for example, someone in a tv show, or someone I see at school. I have lots of friends and get plenty of attention too, so I think I've come to realise that the reason I do this is probably because I see what those people get from other people and I want it too. I get so focused and kind of "obsessed" with the person I choose that it becomes very frustrating and I can't do anything without thinking about them. I find it very hard to get work done without getting the urge to spend hours researching everything I can find about them. I'll be feeling like my whole life revolves around acting like them then I'll wake up the next day bored and just choose someone else to mimic.

I have a bunch of other things I do that I feel are kinda odd. Some of my friends also jokingly mention how I seem to hate them one day than love them the next, which I honestly feel is true. If they all suddenly disappeared, I really wouldn’t care. I'm aware that I sound like a shitty friend, but I honestly couldn't care less. If I'm bored, ill occasionally spend a whole day messaging them and giving them attention, then for the next week never respond, purely because its funny watching all my friends panic. There are a bunch more things that people mention or I notice but I don’t have enough words. Do you think this is this normal?

[chadicha]

Hey, trust me most of us all have our weird things going on like this, that's just unique to ourselves based on childhood wounds, fears or even suppressed deep emotional pain like rejection, so I 100% get you I did this a lot when I was younger mainly with just being way too obnoxious as a mask of myself for attention, and then years later a complete hermit just encapsulated in a shell of fear to let myself out truly but I never knew how.

Ive gone through seasons where I've become completely shut off, unemotional and almost dead with 'friends' in my life and this has gone on for years, last year I was actually a lot like this but it was because of pressures in my life I was prioritising over connections and really needing to find myself more, and I was like you I was okay with everyone leaving, In fact, I intentionally left a school with all my friends and built up connections just for a fresh start. People thought I was so strange for being so easy to pick my things up and leave. But I was staying true to myself at least so I completely understand you. Maybe the mimicking behaviour could be because a fear of rejection, or fear of not being good enough just as who you are in This world and thats why maybe you feel need to mask up? Ive always been like this too (not to your extreme), but I would never be genuine in myself, id only connect on meaningless topics and try to say what I thought people wanted to hear because I was too scared I wouldn't be accepted or loved as me, which was a very real thing. Im still working on it too, but ill tell you the best thing for me, is just to really start appreciating myself on a deep level and seeing I really am worthy and deserving. Knowing my worth really doesn't lie in others and their approval because truth is its your life and you wanna do whats most fulfilling inside. And also, whats helped me is only doing what I love for a while and it just helps me to stay more authentic inside and not so focused on superficial perceptions which I used to obsess over. Your intrinsic worth just as who you are is sooo valuable, please don't ever forget that and dont let anyone make you feel less or not as good.

We're all on our own journeys, but these feelings won't last forever. Your not a shitty friend, your just going through something inside, thats okay. I'm still dealing with this sense of detachment from real genuine connection but its a process its all gonna work out, just like you will, don't stress 2 much xx