Losing my identity

[rotten_banana]

Henlo, first-year uni student here!

This is my first ever post so any response would be appreciated :") . So, over the course of COVID-19, I've taken this period to become more self-aware and tidy up my thoughts as an attempt to be kinder to myself. Through reflecting, one big thing that changed dramatically over the year was my personality.

From what I think, I was extraverted in my terms and was more confident and true to myself. But from one point in high school, I found myself constantly (mentally) beating myself up which over the years spiralled into occasional suicidal thoughts, crying myself to sleep and randomly bursting into tears. This is all a norm for me in the present. I've developed unhealthy mindsets at the back of my head which ONLY applied to me. Another issue is that (I don't know what triggers it) I constantly find myself thinking back to past mistakes which makes me feel even more ashamed and makes me burst into tears. The reason why this is all an issue is that I'm a very emotional person, my emotions seem to dictate my actions. However, despite knowing this, I don't know how to fix it and I really really really don't want to be down every time anymore. I don't have any friends that I can trust to talk about this. I absolutely cannot tell my family because they already have enough issues to face. I've considered therapy but I'm not financially stable to have regular sessions, and I don't know if this issue is 'serious' enough to go to therapy.

I also hope that this thread can help anyone facing the same/ similar situation that I'm currently going through :"""""")

[Sophie_M]

Hey rotten banana, welcome to the Beyond Blue forums! We're glad to have you join us here. We're sorry to hear how much you're struggling at the moment. It sounds like most days are a battle with constant negative thoughts and emotions. We're sorry to hear you don't feel comfortable to tell your friends and family but please know that you do not have to do this alone. Many in our community have had similar feelings and understand. Hopefully, a few of them will pop by and offer you some words of kindness and advice.  We would recommend that you get in touch with Kids Helpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/ 
It sounds like you're in a tough situation and it might help to talk it out whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided. Thanks for reaching out as we know that it can be really tough to do this for the first time. We hope that you find some comfort here in our community. 

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi rotten banana,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for writing in and sharing what's going on with you. It sounds like things have been hard so I'm really glad you decided to reach out.

I absolutely believe that your issues are 'serious' enough to go to therapy. Although to be honest I don't think issues have to be serious at all to try therapy. Sometimes people want to go to therapy for general stress or overwhelm. Given some of the things that you've been going through and feeling - especially the suicidal thoughts, I think it's well worth reaching out for help.

As far as finances go, have you considered looking into your university? A lot of universities have free counsellors you can use - they can usually be found online or through contacting student support.

You can also try getting a MHCP (Mental health care plan) and searching for a psychologist that bulk bills - this way you aren't out of pocket at all. Heres' some more info to help understand it - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/treatments-health-professionals-and-therapie...

Do reach out. I think it will be very worth it 🙂

rt

[chadicha]

Hey! Reading this I can really relate strongly, in my younger high school years I was overly confident and obnoxious in a way (funny though), and later on I slowly turned into a hermit just fully encapsulated in my own shell of fears, self doubt, insecurity. Both of these people weren't me, it was how I was dealing with and masking my deeper issues especially ones of rejection in intimate relationships and friendships falling apart by not feeling loved. It can be so tiring when you feel like your shackled to your past and mistakes and people you bump into or phrases that trigger you, I used to be soooo bad. But trust me, you are worth so much more than external events or people around you that have hurt you, made you feel embarrassed or not good enough. This is not who you are, and it really sucks when your mentally consumed and lost in it all trying to find yourself and grow, but you will. We're all gonna make mistakes, I've made really bad ones in my close relationships and I used to obsess over it to the point I turned to really self-damaging habits, low self-esteem and I didn't know how to interact with others for a while.Your going to heal, your going to be filled with so much love, and all of this triggering is assisting you in letting it all go and stay in the past where it belongs, You are a living, breathing amazing human who is sooo much more powerful than a thought or a deed of the past- this isn't you. You are your potential, what you love, your dreams, your truest love. Embrace yourself this love, your passions - triggers will always be there and sometimes even when you think you've healed years later it can get you again but let me assure you this is totally normal. Your a strong person and your gonna get through this hard time, theres a big bright light at the end of the tunnel for you my friend.

[yggdrasil]

Hi rotten banana,

Thank you for posting on here, it's a bit weird the first time I know. I just want to echo what the others above have said. I've had a mental health care plan for 5 years now, and seen a psychologist regularly, and it has helped a lot. Your GP can set a plan up for you, and help you find a bulk billed psych. Another alternative would be to look at your universities counselling options. Most uni's now have psychs that students can see. I've done that too over the years. Most uni's also offer other academic services for those suffering mental illness which I've also found helpful. Look after yourself,

yggdrasil