I feel like a robot (not reacting in general, less emotions, no personality etc)

[Whitepoppy61]

Hello again.

I'm a year 12 who keeps to herself and focuses hard on studies. As of lately, I'm unable to react to social situations, entertainment or just anything that people say to me. I don't find joy in this stuff and lost interest in my old hobbies (video games). These days, I'm studying hard, watching stuff or asleep. I can't even remember the last time I laughed genuinely (I smile politely or fake my laugh) As a result, people find me very awkward and boring or fake and so it became difficult to socialise with new people. Previously, I've been called out before for having no personality but dismissed it since I'm naturally quiet. However, I realised other quiet people react to stuff and have better social lives, which made me reflect upon myself. Now, I'm concerned that I'm incapable of reacting, having no personality and just having fewer emotions as a whole.

This was a problem I always had but failed to notice it until HSC started. I believe this has happened since year 9 though, my old friends commented that I changed in that year. Examples of me not reacting: A person claimed my crush liked me and I replied with an "oh" (she even asked why I'm not reacting). Another example included a person talking to me about a problem of hers, in which I listened with a blank face (she even muttered 'that was boring'). In general, I don't react to videos or topics people try to talk about with me. The only topics I actively engage in would be HSC or school stuff (another reason why I feel like a robot, I mostly inform people)

Since then, I've become super self-conscious about the way I converse with others which worsened my social anxiety (I was already shy and self-conscious). It came to the point that I even actively try to minimise my interactions with acquaintances, simply because I'm scared of being judged for my robotic type of personality. I have always been judged since chilehood for my introverted nature, I don't want to risk worsening their impressions of me.

Sometimes, I ask my best friend for reassurance that I have a personality. He says I have a silent type of personality, but I feel like there's a deeper reason for this. I'm scared there's probably a mental issue hidden but it's honestly difficult to tell. Moreover, the way people judge me makes me feel like it's a huge flaw, which doesn't help my self-esteem at all.

I'm sorry if this is all over the place, but I just wanted to voice out my thoughts and i'm feeling so confused about this.

[therising]

Hi Whitepoppy61

I must say, I really do feel for you. It's tough when we're surrounded by a number of judgemental people who like to inform us on what is 'normal' or 'right', personality wise.

A positive example of where judgement can be warranted in regard to 'normal' is when we've experienced a significant personal change of some nature (comparing different states within our self). Whether changes are mental or physical, some investigation can be beneficial. By the way, it's always helpful if we can pinpoint the time of significant change. For yourself, it sounds like year 9 was the time when noticeable changes were detected. Wondering if close family members also noticed changes around this time. If you decide you want to get to the bottom of things, a GP and/or perhaps mental health professional will act as detectives in their investigation. A couple of things they may address: 1) Was there a change in the brain/body at this time or 2) Was there a change in your social circumstances which tended to make pre-existing issues more obvious. Based on the evidence, different reasons for change will determine the best path for further investigation. For example, if things point to a suspected physical issue, blood tests may be the 1st port of call.

Whitepoppy61, it's always important that we remain aware of the impact of 'labeling'. If labeling has no positive benefits then it can often come down to uneducated opinion (and boy are some folk over-opinionated). Regarding educated labeling: If someone finds them self receiving the label of 'Depressed', 'Autistic' or 'Demented' (having dementia), just to name a few examples, this describes nothing other than brain behaviour. This type of labeling does not define the person. Such labeling exists in order to determine a course of action specific to a particular condition.

The most important thing to keep in mind involves us being so much more than just a brain. Although thought processing and chemistry play significant roles in our day to day life, I believe (at a deeper level) we are soulful creatures wishing to live fully and simply, beyond labels.

Take care Whitepoppy61 and give some thought to the idea that your friend could be spot on, with you simply being the silent type. Often, such people make the best observers, absorbing the finest of details. This is a unique and wonderful trait to have.

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi whitepoppy61,

Its great to see you reaching out on the beyondblue forum. You sound from your post that you have a lot of insight as to what is going on with you. This is a great start towards reaching a place where you feel less self conscious. I am not in a position to give you a diagnosis online but I can certainly recommend some steps you could take towards improving how you are feeling and thinking.

Writing out a list of some of the symptoms you are experiencing can be helpful when you are looking to get some support and also writing out a few goals such as what you would like to see improve in your mood and in how you socialise.

Sometimes people don’t feel sick enough to go see a GP (Doctor) or counsellor and leave their symptoms until they get worse. What is actually a fact, is that the earlier you seek support, the faster symptoms can resolve. Having someone sit with you and complete an assessment of your mood, you health history and your goals might be just what you need to get started. This could be with a GP you trust, a school counsellor or you could call or drop into your local headspace centre.

If you are not comfortable talking to anyone face to face, there are options like calling the Kids Help Line where they may be able to offer you some support and advise on what steps to take. They can be reached on 1800 55 1800 or you can go to their website https://kidshelpline.com.au/

Another online option is to go to eheadspace where you can receive some support online https://headspace.org.au/eheadspace/

It is fantastic that you have a best friend who supports your quiet personality. High school is a tough crowd and many young people feel challenged in how they should behave or respond. Having a person you can talk to about the way your feelings can be really helpful towards becoming more confident. I encourage you to seek some support but also to continue to use the forum. I know that others have had similar concerns and that you are not alone.

You can improve these symptoms with persistence and support. It is definitely confusing but I think if you find a therapist, counsellor or GP who can go through your symptoms with you, they can help you make sense of your experience which is half the battle.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,

Nurse Jenn

[Rocket_Man]

Hi White Poppy,

Quite simply, having an emotional reaction to something is a more primitive function of the mind, you're position of observation shows emotional balance and intellectual consideration, what would you prefer ?

Managing the emotional reactions of the less developed individuals in your environment, for the desired social cohesion you're searching for is the skill of politics, acting, communication, and understanding what others are experiencing.

Id suggest reading wired to connect by dan lieberman, emotional intelligence and social intelligence by daniel goleman and then wherever your curiosity and desire takes you.

Best wishes,

[Paperwoodsman]

Hi Whitepoppy,

I don't know you so please disregard this if it doesn't sound right, but from what you're saying I would think maybe you're quite wary of coming across the 'wrong way' to people.

At least with the way I see it, I think at least with myself that being reserved or a little robotic is a way to protect myself from being judged in a way by others.

A great therapist told me that some people close off in their interactions with other people during adolescence because it's a way to guard yourself in a time where you might get pushed around.

There doesn't have to be something wrong with you psychologically, necessarily.

That therapist once told me it was like a drawbridge and a moat. You pull up the drawbridge for defence. Sounded corny but she was dead on.