I don't want to go back there

[Lee_a]

I am 24 years old and battled severe depression a few years ago. I rarely showered or brushed my teeth for 6 months, I drank way too much, I simply got worse and worse.

fortunately, I recovered and finished my studies, found a wonderful partner,  landed an amazing job and built my dream home. I thought my world had fallen into place but I decided to go back to uni and do another degree, which I am failing. My job is just turning out to be a massive dead end and my wonderful partner has decided that he may not want to be with me anymore and has been having an affair. I was oblivious and was sooooo happy and now everything has crashed around me and I will have to sell my house that I spent 2 years building and only 2 weeks living in.

my partner has ended his relationship and wants to work on things with me and I think he is dealing with issues of his own as well as within our relationship. Suddenly he is angry all the time and I am trying to be supportive and positive..... But it's so hard. I am slipping back into that dark place and desperately don't want to go back there.

my entire life is gone and then

I have broken my shoulder. I can't cook or clean or shower or dress by myself. I can't do anything and am relying on my partner for everything, and he is doing it without complaining but I keep picturing him with her. I tried counselling but all I got was relationship advice and felt judged.

i have lost 10kg in 3 weeks and am struggling to sleep but so many people around me are being so supportive. People at work, who have no idea what is going on keep inviting me to lunch and coffee just because they can see that something isn't right.

i guess this is why I haven't slipped all the way back and I am so lucky for this but then I go home and sit alone and feel like nothing could be worse.

[geoff]

dear Lee, I would like to welcome you to this site.

I can only imagine the pain and inconvenience for having a broken shoulder, as I'm sure every time you cough or sneeze the pain would be excruciating, just like broken ribs.

I can see a problem with your partner now, and let's put the fact that he is helping you now in the back corner, and I say this because if he is 'suddenly angry at you all the time', then he wants to control the entire situation, and don't forget that it was he who was having the affair, so by taking advantage, his aim is so that you won't blame him for the affair, but that's not how it goes here, he is the guilty one.

I am really pleased that you have people taking you out, but then you have to go home and sit by yourself, and this is where depression will take over, so you will definitely need professional counselling, and it doesn't seem as though the present counselling is doing anything to help you.

Can you click under 'get support' at the top of this page where you will find doctors who are aligned with BB and trained in helping people like you with their depression and where you are suffering, and then refer you to a psychologist on a medicare plan, this gives you 10 free visits, so please I urge you to seek this help.

Can I also say that if a guy has been unfaithful with you, his eyes always wander, OK we all look and think what it would be like, but that's it, we don't go out hunting, and it doesn't matter whether it's a male because exactly the same can happen with a female, so they aren't trustworthy.

I hope that your shoulder gets better much quicker and sooner than later, and please keep posting back to us, because all of this is of great concern. L Geoff. x

[AGrace]

Hi Lee,

Firstly I can hear in your post that you're feeling completely overwhelmed and you just don't know where to start. You've probably heard this a lot, but I'd say tackle one thing at a time.

1. As Geoff has mentioned, get some support from a GP and a therapist. I'd start by talking about you first, and then tackle the relationship issue.

2. Your weight loss. As difficult as it may be, addressing your eating habits is a must. Depression sits in the back seat just waiting for people to let healthy diet, sleep, exercise, and lifestyle fly out the window. If you're going to get through this you'll need all your energy and strength. If your partner is looking for ways to make it up to you, I'd get him to prepare all your meals for you.

3. Write a list of all the coping strategies you used to use when you were last depressed. Pick a few that you think will be most useful, and start putting them into practice now. Don't wait until depression arrives. Prevention of a relapse is far easier than crisis management.

4. Have a think about what you are willing to forgive your partner for? Decide whether you still love him, if you can still trust him, and then if you are willing to make the relationship work. I know most people would find an affair a deal breaker, but if getting your relationship repaired is what you want, I can say my father cheated on my mother many times, and here they are still happily married some 41 years later. My dad is completely committed to my mum, and my mum has forgiven him. It wouldn't be my choice, but you have to choose what you can live with.

5. I guess selling the house is only on the cards if the relationship doesn't work? So I'm assuming that's not a priority now, as it sounds as though you and your partner are still living there together. Once you have yourself and your relationship worked out you'll have a clearer mind about what to do with the house. You may decide to rent it out until such time as you can afford to live there again.

6. As much as you can, stay connected with those who are supporting you at work. At least going out for lunch gives you a half an hour when you don't have to think about your problems. Try to be really present during lunch, and engage in the conversations. You don't have to solve all of your problems in that lunch break.

As Geoff has said, we'd love to hear back from you to see how things are going for you.

AGrace

[Lee_a]

Thank you for your responses. I am working really hard to keep myself occupied as I tend to over think things, which I think has caused many problems within my relationship with my partner as well as issues within myself.

its so hard not to dwell on things whilst also trying to address the issues at hand and deal with my emotions. I know I am a good person and I care about people way too much which leads to me expecting too much from them. I feel like. That is what happened to my relationship and my partner is simply having a freak out and this affair is a momentary mistake. This is why I want to forgive and repair what is broken.

i think my biggest issue is knowing the right thing to do in my situation. I wish someone could tell me that quitting my job or uni or leaving my relationship will be good ideas or bad ones. I wish I could look to the future and know so that I could start repairing but I don't want to make any decision whilst I'm in this state. Last time I made decisions and they were bad and made things worse. I lost friends and couldn't even get out of bed. I can't figure out what the right thing to do is.

i have been trying to make sure that I keep routines and shower and eat regularly. Eating is difficult because I feel physically ill every time I do but I am managing that through having something with me all day that I can eat one bite at a time every 15 minutes or so and I am slowly regaining my weight.

i am trying to exercise as much as possible with my sore shoulder but again it is proving difficult.