I’m 17 years old and all of this has been going on for about a year now. I’m really suffering, no where near as bad as what i used to be but I still struggle horribly everyday. I’ll try my best for this to make sense but I can’t make any promises as I can’t seem to understand all of this myself.
So around a year ago I begun hanging out with the ‘stoner’ crowd I suppose and started to smoke myself. The first couple of times were odd for me, I felt very animated, like everything I was saying was dumb, like everything was more so like a dream and I just felt drained and anxious. Most people would stop there if they were feeling that way but I continued to smoke everyday for around 8 months mainly by myself at home even though it made me feel horrible and I knew that deep down. It was more so I liked the act of smoking a cone than the high. Every time I am high I start thinking about all dumb things I have done in my life or during the day and actually have to psychically talk to myself and tell myself to stop thinking about it or I will bury my face in my hands and tell myself I’m stupid, dumb etc. I would cry often and instead of walking fast of my bus, keen to get to school and see people as I always did, I begun to feel anxious about it, which was something I’d never really experienced before. I went from being loud and happy to almost completely quiet and always down. Even my best friend became very foreign to me, I remember specific times he would try to joke with me like we always did but I would always ruin the mood by saying something boring or dumb. Eventually we drifted and nothing is the same between us to this day. I didn’t know what was happening to me, it’s like my mind was completely blank and I never had anything to contribute to a conversation. Fast forward to a year from now, I don’t have a single friend that I used to, in fact I have no friends. I now dread school and when I do go the day drags by, I am lucky if I have two brief conversations with somebody and I spend my spare time in the library just waiting to go home and jump into bed. I stopped smoking about 2 months ago after deciding I can’t continue to live like this. I’m not the same as I used to be, I can’t even comprehend the old me, it just doesn’t make sense to me as to how I used to be able to live in the moment and enjoy social interactions, etc. I just want to feel like me again and know why this all happened.
