I am fighting a losing battle.

[Michael202]

If anyone does happen to read this, i would firstly like to introduce myself - I'm 17 years old, I work 30-35 hours a week and I have very recently dropped out of high school (Year 11). Before year 9 i was what teachers would call an exceptional student. I stick by my decision of dropping out of school, I was not learning anything, I was constantly getting in trouble for sleeping in class, teachers would accuse my of cheating if my work was well done. I often felt as if the people around me didn't care about me at all. I would often find myself sitting alone with my headphones in reflecting on the little things & the big things. I have been seeing counselors my whole life, that's no exaggeration, when I was younger it would be for anger management, which progressed into stress, which progressed into anxiety, which progressed into depression (I was diagnosed in January). In year 8 I think it was my counselor suggested that I talk to my parents about my problems. My Dad replied with "Get a job, then tell me about stress", and my Mum said "Welcome to the club". I have been told my Mum also struggles from depression, and my dad is a hard worker, which i respect him for, I understand that they do not know how to approach the matter. I haven't been to school for 7 weeks and I only really see one of my friends he comes over after school 80% of the time, he is the source of my sanity, my other friends I only see once a fortnight if I am lucky. I think my Mum thinks I love their Mums more, which isn't true. There is only one other friend that I would ever talk to, but he goes to school 5 days a week, he is on like 2 different basketball teams, and he is madly devoted to his girlfriend of one year, I am happy with how well his life is going, but I wish I could talk to him more. I am growing to hate my job, which right now is my only outlet, i feel the employees there that are my age have a problem with me. At the start of the year 9 I started writing songs, because I'm pretty good with words, it was also therapeutic and I got really good at it. It's now my only REAL career option, but lately I have been getting writers block like crazy. I'm really sorry about the length I was trying to direct, but I guess in conclusion, I feel incredibly alone, I hate failure and I feel that no matter where I go failure will follow and I'm so over these fireballs life just keeps throwing at me. Thank you if you got this far.

[Paul]

Hey Michael,

Really glad you've joined up and you're now part of the Beyond Blue community online. You're definitely NOT alone. Just above a lot of our photos you'll see a blue "V" icon. That means we're part of the Blue Voices community and to be a part of that we also suffer depression and/or anxiety (or care for someone who does).

You write with a lot of conviction about yourself - that's awesome. I like how you know what you want and what you don't want. The shitty thing about depression is that it warps that view sometimes and makes it difficult to see through the fog. It also makes it hard to feel, think, enjoy, work, relate, imagine and write.

It sucks that your parents haven't been receptive to your telling them how you feel. Perhaps a different approach might work. Ask your mum to tell you about her depression, that might lead in to you saying "me too" at some stage during the conversation.

It's great you've got your friend who visits and keeps you anchored. Perhaps think about letting him know that you appreciate his visits.

There's a hotline number for the beyond blue telephone service - people who also care and understand. Call them any time that you need to. They are there to help.

Stay in touch with us and let us know how things are going, we're here to help as well.

Lastly - there might be a battle going on with fireballs and dragons, but if you keep holding on, throw back the odd iceball, the black fog will lift and the battle will turn around. What I mean is, be kind to yourself the battle will move on soon.

Paul

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Michael202,

Thanks for reaching out to us.  It sounds like you are going through a fair struggle at the moment.  I can see from your post that you’ve been dealing with anxiety and depression for a while now.  Have you ever seen anyone about it? Like a GP or psychologist?
 What happened when you were first diagnosed?

I’m sorry that your parents haven’t been supportive.  I can empathise because my Dad was exactly
the same, and my Mum didn’t want to hear about it.  What helped me was finding someone who I
could connect with and talk to – without judgement, questions or issues.

I’m glad that you are finding music writing helpful.  It’s so resourceful to find something like
that that’s both healthy and productive. Sometimes people who have writers block may find that it helps to do
some ‘sensory stimulation’.  So basically, hearing new things, seeing new things, smelling new things –
anything that feels a bit ‘new’.  Or even if your desk is facing the wall do a reshuffle of your room so you can see
outside, or interacting with people.   Sometimes it’s really simple techniques that can help with your
creativity (and also your depression).

 Hope this helps a little.
Take care,