How do you deal with tough times?

[Kiseki]

About two weeks ago, my mum broke her ankle when she was lifting my brother, who can't walk, into bed. She slipped and broke her ankle. She and my brother were taken to hospital, but my brother was discharged about 5 hours later. My mum needed to have surgery on her ankle and she only got out of hospital last Thursday. Since then, she's been confined to a wheelchair and I've had to help out with a lot of things that she would normally do.

That's not what bothers me, though. Since about 10 days ago, I haven't had a chance to release everything that's built up inside me, and I know it's hurting me. It doesn't help that my mum's gotten upset with me a few times when I was pushing her wheelchair, because I was going 'too fast'. My brother is in a wheelchair, and I'm used to that, since I've grown up with it. My mum has never been in a wheelchair before and just seeing her like this demoralises me. She provides the stability needed to keep us all together. 

Whenever mum gets upset at me, it triggers a huge wave of negative thoughts. Why am I so stupid, so pathetic, so weak? Why can't I do anything right? No one else would make such a stupid mistake. It's gotten quite bad, too, to the point where I've wondered what would happen if I were to just disappear or leave. Would they miss me? The thing is, I don't want to talk to my mum about this, because I don't want her to feel upset or sad that this has happened. I don't want her to think that this is her fault, because it's not. I also don't want to burden anyone else with these problems, not when they could be helping someone who needs help much more than I do.

I have low self-esteem and self-confidence, and I've never been one to place much faith in myself. I know that there's a whole lot of negativity that I need to let out, but I don't want to cry. I don't want to be weak. I want to be strong, because I have to look after those around me. Crying also makes me feel bad, as well, so I don't really know what to do. Maybe I'm scared of admitting to being weak, or maybe I'm just stubborn. I don't know. 

How can you feel better without having to feel pathetic first?

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[_NaturalTalent_]

Dear Kiseki,

"How can you feel better without having to feel pathetic first?" For a seed to grow, first it must completely break apart... The shell cracks, falls away and the new life emerges from within...

Unfortunately, when the stressors you are going through, come from those so close to you, they are amplified 10 fold.. Especially from a parental figure, who has nurtured and taught you life.

Try not to let her being in a wheelchair demoralize you... Given time and the right treatments she should be back up and fighting in the near future. She will get used to the chair and 'speed' of getting around, that in itself would be an adjustment for her. I'm sure she is also feeling quite upset herself that she 'Failed' you (in her mind) by 'leaving' you to look after both her and your brother simultaneously. But hiding this from you can manifest in many ways, short tempers etc.

How do you think they would cope without you at the moment? Do you truly believe they wouldn't miss you? Because I don't...

Your right too, you have pent up pain that needs to get out, you NEED to find a time and place you can let this out. Do not view crying as being weak or pathetic, it is actually a sign of strength that you are facing your pains!

You may like to try a 'family meeting' aswell. I bet your mum and maybe even brother would have some issues they may like to know your interested in just as you would like your mum to understand yours. This may be too confronting for you all im not sure.

Perhaps you could start with your brother, one on one, he may be able to help you understand how your mums feeling at the moment, having been and being in, a very similar position. Perhaps you could explain how you feel at the moment to him and he could talk to you mum from their point of view about how you must be feeling.

Im assuming your mum would be VERY conflicted at the moment caught between two situations. She knows how hard it is to care for your brother and that your taking it on, but didn't realise what its like to be in his shoes and is struggling with the limitations and seeing you care for her...

There's no easy fix or way to approach this, you must just do what you need to.

There is nothing wrong with you and I think your a pretty amazing person for stepping up the way you have... If you need to talk, sometimes strangers are the best option, come on back. In fact I would like to hear your decisions and how things go... Good luck...

[Kiseki]

Thanks for responding. When I was reading it, I couldn't believe that someone actually took the time to dedicate a post to me, so, thank you. My brother and dad are visiting relatives, and they will be back this weekend. I talked to my dad about how things have changed about a week ago. I'll probably try talking to them one at a time over the coming days. Like you suggested, I'll start with my brother. I've never really been one to place myself ahead of everyone else, so this will be different for me. I'll post how things go in the coming days.

[_NaturalTalent_]

Your very welcome. I'm just glad I can be using my experience to help others.

Honestly I came to this forum to talk about myself as you & so many others have.

But I think I find more solace in using my experience to help others.

I have always enjoyed helping others, or doing things to make them smile.

And I really appreciate your feedback letting me know im doing well 🙂

[kanga_brumby]

Kiseki sounds like your mother is an independent type person. Which is not a bad thing. She needs time to adjust to needing help, and repair the damage to her leg. It will get better, in time then she will be back to her usual mothering role. Which she is more familiar with, and you can get back to being a daughter. Strong and resilient as usual. We all have weakness; that's a good thing.