Hit rock bottom. First time talking, please help!

[mooie]

Hi 🙂 this is my first time doing this so im a bit nervous.

Here is a bit about me!   

I am 19 year old female and have been suffering from depression for around 5 years. It has damaged many of my relationships in the past and the ones who have stuck around are getting sick of my ****. This is the main reason I'm doing this, I don't want to lose the ones who mean the most to me i need somewhere to vent and get some help. 

I have very low self esteem which i think is a result of been bullied in primary school, i moved schools it even got so bad. It was mainly due to my looks, i wore glasses and was overweight so i got teased for it. I felt very alone and confused why no one liked me all because of the way i looked. I never felt accepted 

So i went in to high school thinking i was ugly and disgusting. Throughout high school things seemed to get better i lost my glasses and some weight and people seemed to like me better i made some friends. This still wasn't good enough i needed everyone to like me. I then thought that the only way anyone would like me  was if i was pretty, skinny and cool. I then thought that if i was all these things i would be truly happy. it put this huge pressure on myself to be perfect, i tried absolutely everything to fit this image and am still struggling to do so today. I have these massive expectations on myself and whenever i fail i punish myself. I beat myself up so much in my head, i genuinely hate everything about myself at times.

 I then turn to food for comfort, which makes me put on weight and then makes me more self conscious and depressed. I then manage to pull myself together for a short time lose the weight which makes me feel more confident but then i realise im still not happy. No matter how much weight i lose or new clothes and makeup i wear I'm still unhappy and it gets me so down. Its a vicious cycle 

I have had one boyfriend in my life and he broke my heart. He was my first love so i guess it was a given. He broke up with me out of the blue due to not having feelings for me anymore but i took it really badly. I blamed it on myself for not being good enough.  Im am well over him know but i have never been able to let anyone in as I'm so afraid of rejection and being hurt. I have this huge wall up and find it very hard talking to guys because i don't believe they truly want me. If I'm not good enough for myself how can i be good enough for anyone else. 

Im a year out of high school and still suffering these problems. Im still so unhappy with the way i look and feel and am really unsure how to fix it. I work very hard on trying to be perfect in every way. It is all i think about How can I make myself more attractive? How can I get this guy to like me? How do I act to make sure no one see's how messed up I am? etc.. This has started to affect relationships with my friends more than it ever has. Im constantly putting myself down and being negative, because thats how i truly feel.  They dont understand why i feel so badly about myself because they dont think there is anything wrong with me. 

I often dont tell people how i truly feel because I'm afraid of upsetting them or being rejected. So i let these emotions build up over time and then attack them over small things. I hate doing this but i just get so caught up in the moment and cant handle my emotions. If i dont attack them I get very upset and have panic attacks and ball my eyes out. 

I think they are starting to get over my negativity and trying to always make me feel happier. Also my random breakdowns. I feel so alone and cant find anyone who understands. I just want to be happy within myself 

I need to find a way of making me feel better on the inside not just on the outside.

Help me! and please dont judge 😞 I dont want to lose my friends

[amamas]

Hello Mooie

You are so brave posting on here!  It's a massive step!

The bullying you suffered sounds horrific!  Being treated so horrendously wounds so deeply!!  

It's very natural that you have so many image issues and depression, you were treated like crap!

They didn't treat you that way because you wore glasses or because you were overweight - they treated you that way because they were mean and bullies.

I know you can't see that yet, but you will.

To get there beautiful Mooie you need someone to talk to who is trained in understanding, non-judgement and supporting you to heal through and out of the trauma you've endured.

For me it was an awesome psychologist, for you it may be someone different.  I highly recommend contacting the beyondblue support line or online support as they'll be able to help you find the right person for you. 

Keep in touch Mooie

Thinking of and caring about you

amamas

[sabi]

u r a little bit going to be more depressed as u r becoming elder.

my suggestion is that 

1st

please take food with all nutrients(actually many patients eat food at improper time and also same type of diet they dont have variation in the diet ) , defficiency of nutrients, improper sleeping habits these all are when combined from 5 to 6years these make u obesity and depression prevails as time goes,

2nd 

please dont spend time alone, whenever u are alone and have a much more time then u should not stay at home, u should go outside and walk for a long time. And also dutring walk if u find someone then ask time or any thing so that ur confidence to talk others dont be lost

These will help u in making u a good healthier life

now come to friends,

3rd 

A common misconception that friends hate u. actually u think in this way, it's ur innerself which is opposing u from ur natural behavior think in another way

true freinds dont need justification for friendship except sincereness, they never look about ur shape ur hairstyle and they actually need honesty and purity from ur side and u have all this. lets suppose if they dont like ur hairstyle or any other thing then they always say about u that u should do this thing in this way or that way

if they are not doing then it means its nothing a hate type of thing b/w u?

share these type of things that u r feeling, with ur friends in a story telling way that all of them listen and conclude with a discussions b/w friends.

 if u still finds no one to share and need a friend then i wiil be available for u. To discuss and share ur problems and find the solution.

Talk to GOD whenever u r alone, who created u with a meaningful purpose.

Ask about that purpose of urself? Try to relax other people and do others little works to relax