Sex and boys

[shay2]

Hi I'm Shay 

13 year old female 

So listen I am depressed, suicidal and self harm.

I really like this boy in my class right and he is always flirting with me.  He asked me to give him oral sex and I said that I would but now he wants to know if he can have sex with me,  I am a virgin and I guess I want to but I have a few problems.  he is always feeling me up when he gets the chance and talks dirty to me.

here is a list of problems and please don't judge me:

*I am scared it will hurt 

*I don't shave or wax (down there) -embarrassing *cringe*- and i don't know if he will mind

*How do I get condoms?

*Where and when can I do it so my parents wont find out?

*will it make me more depressed?

*what if he can't fit in me

Please if you could give an answer to all these it would b very helpful

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Shay,

Go talk to a friend, a classmate, a teacher, a counsellor, a GP, watch Dr Phil, the local clinic, a neighbour, your parents, a relative, a sister/brother, your pet or just about anyone that you can get good communication from.  Because,  you might be about to make the biggest mistake of your life.

You are in control.   No boy should force himself on you - that's called rape.  It's not just the physical side that is important.  What about your emotional side ?  If you are "depressed, suicidal and self harm[ing]" then how does some teenage sex fit into all that.   Wouldn't you want to be more stable and 100% healthy before giving into to someone that talks dirty and feels you up "when he gets the chance" ?  Don't you want to be valued and made to feel loved ?  Sustain a great friendship for a year or so (or longer) rather than fight some more issues ?

Condoms are bought at chemists, the hymen breaking will cause some pain/bleeding and yes, if the emotional pressure is too much for you it might deepen your existing depression and give you suicidal thoughts.   In another couple of years you will be able to handle all this as a developing woman.  Sadly, if something goes wrong I don't think your parents would hesitate to support you.   Not that they don't understand about sex.  Just that they might think your safety, well being and immaturity need a bit of guidance.

I had a great girlfriend at High School for 3 - 4 years and we used to have sex at her house all the time.  But we were 17 / 18 years old and went to get some Sexual Health Guidance first.    Back in those days they would even show you how to put a condom on a banana or a test tube.  It was quite funny.  I mean, why would you want to have sex with a banana ?  Lol.

Adios, David.

PS  I am 50 with 3 teenagers.  And a dog.  If I sound judgemental I didn't mean it that way.  Just a bunch of facts or things to think about before taking the plunge.

[geoff]

dear Shay, thanks for joining us, and your questions are usual ones for people of your age.

I don't think that you will have trouble buying condoms, maybe wait until there's a young girl/boy on the register you might feel easier, or just say that your sister needs them, or your pharmacist might be able to help you.

He will be able to fit into you as you will slowly stretch as you lubricate.

I think the excitement of having sex won't make you depressed at all, it will be trilling for you.

Having hair in your region won't bother him at all, maybe later he might ask you to shave, but initially don't worry.

About hurting you just tell him to do it slowly and not just do it aggressively, it's called foreplay which will again lubricate your organ.

Do you have an adult with whom you talk to often, and if so get them to take you to a doctor so that you can get 'the pill', I know that you are using condoms, but sometimes the urge becomes too strong and then have sex without the time to put one on.

You will need protection down the track as you become 18, 19 or so on, so it's best to take the pill now.

Condoms aren't 100% safe as our eldest was conceived with a condom, it had a hole in it, and it wasn't deliberately done by me anyway.

With regards to your parents, well we are all different, some will accept it, well it is 2013, and the assumption of their kids not having sex until they are 18, well that's gone a long time ago, and that's only me talking, some may have other ideas.

People always find a place to have sex, but try not to get any bruises on the neck, a dead give away, and how are they going to stop you anyway, ground you, but then you still have to go to school. Geoff. x

[ModeratorA]

Dear Shay, thanks for your post.

Growing up and having intimate relationships with people including sex is all part of life.  One of the important parts of that is to remember that you only need to have sex with somebody (or do other things with them) if you want to. Not because you feel any pressure for any other reason. You need to make the decision about what is right for you and when it is right.  You have heaps of really good questions about the whole sex thing. It is great you are thinking about all this stuff before you have sex for the first time. It is especially good that you are thinking about condoms. It is important to protect yourself and the person you choose to have sex with. 

It would be really good if you could talk to somebody about this stuff before you go ahead.  We know it can feel a bit embarrassing to talk about this stuff, but if you are going to do it you can probably talk about it hey. Find out where your local community health centre is or a local GP and ask if you can speak to the nurse. You can phone them up if you prefer so you don't need to see them face to face. Alternatively call Kids help line and speak to somebody on the phone (1800 55 1800). You won't be judged.  

from the moderators

[ben_dunthorne]

Shay

1)it Will Hurt Causeits Your First Time,but Do You Reallywanna Have Sex For the First Time And It Not Be Special..

2) Some Guys Like Girls Waxed/shaven But Some Dont...so Ask

3)just Go To Your Local Chemist Or Deli And Buy Them, If They Ask Say Yourusing Them As Water Balloons:)

4)at Home Whe  Your Parents Are Out,but Think About It

5)it Will If He is Just Using You...

6)its Natuarl For The First Time Thst He wont Fit, Just Make Sureyou Think About It

[shay2]

Hi David

Thank you for some very sound advice and it may have just been what I needed to hear from a responsible adult.  You are completely right about everything you said and I think I will wait a bit longer before giving myself to someone.

There is one boy who I think really cares about me and has been a friend for 2 years.  We have dated before and he has never tried anything with me and he is really sweet,  we both admitted our feelings towards each other and he said he loved me.  We have talked about sex and he said that when ever I am ready and comfortable we will do it. 

Please do not worry about sounding judgmental as you did not at all just someone with a lot more years than me that was trying to help me 🙂

[Melinda]

I really don't think it's a good idea for you to be doing something like this for the first time if you aren't feeling emotionally stable. If he ends up using you, it could do more harm than good. I regret my first time, and I remember it vividly. It upset me so much, I felt used, betrayed and disgusted. The first time is rarely good if you don't know your body, what you like and if both of you aren't willing to take it slow to try to make it as enjoyable as possible.

it will hurt because you're stretching a part of your body that may never have been stretched even a little before. There may be bleeding when the hymen breaks, be prepared for some clean up.

if you try figuring out how you like to be touched and what feels good for you, then it may make it a little easier, because your body will be aroused and readying itself for it all. If he doesn't care what you like and only wants to please himself, he's not worth your time and you're better off finding someone who likes you for you, not for what you're willing to do for them.

sometimes people will see people like us as weak and easy to manipulate, they will pretend to befriend us, get what they want and drop us like a rock. I don't mean to sound cynical, but just be wary of who you trust and befriend.

As hard as it might be, you really need to talk about this with an adult you trust. If something goes wrong, the condom breaks or you have a bad time, you might need someone who can help you aftwards.

[Damien]

Hi Shay.

Answer One: What David said.  (The REAL David Charles so you know it's legit.)  😉

Answer Two:  School Counsellor answers, part ONE...

*I am scared it will hurt:  It might, reasons given by other people in posts above.

*I don't shave or wax (down there) -embarrassing *cringe*- and i don't know if he will mind:  He might, which makes me wonder why you think yourself worthy of him.  He also might not, but in my experience as a counsellor boys expect girls to look like the "clean girls" they see in internet porn.

*How do I get condoms?: School counsellors have them (!!!), and chemist shops.  You can also get them from Health Clinics and the public toilets in pubs.  You're too young to go to a pub, so there's part of your answer.

*Where and when can I do it so my parents wont find out?: A perfectly good reason not to do it in the first place.  Okay, so parents are the enemy and this is the typical "adult" answer again, but still...

*will it make me more depressed?: Quite possibly.  Melinda is on the ball there in her answer.

*what if he can't fit in me: Actually he will, and not just because you should wave your little finger at him (was it him?) as David said elsewhere.  Girls, even 13 year olds, are pretty elastic down there.  This doesn't mean it won't hurt, but so long as he puts it in the right hole it's okay.

Answer Three: School Counsellor answers Part TWO

It is illegal for you to have sexual contact with anyone, no matter their age, until you are sixteen years of age.  I don't mean to shout, I just don't want you to miss that point.  This boy, even if you say yes, and even if he's also 13/14 (or even 12) will be committing an offence which could put him on the Sex Offenders' Register.  If he's also under-age, then you're breaking the same law.  The cops may let it go, they may not even know, but it's illegal for a reason; someone cleverer than us thinks its a bad idea for 13 year olds to have sex.

(And it's not a religious idea otherwise all sex except for married men and women would be illegal.  IT's not about morality, it's about human development and the capacity of young brains to cope)

BTW, as great a respect I have for Geoff, the pill may stop you conceiving a child but it does nothing to stop you getting an STD.

I see you've replied to David, and have decided to hold off.  This is good and perhaps my advice is not required.  (Having said that, 16 is still the legal age) Even so, find someone you can trust to really talk about this with you in person.

🙂

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Shay,

There is another advice angle - the glossies (with or without sealed sections).   There's an article on sex (just for a change !) in one of the main mags recently that features how female celebrities view all this.  To quote, for a sec:

Megan Fox:   "We have the vaginas, we win".

It's a bit confusing having all these different perspectives.  Especially the featured articles titled "We bonked for 7 hours and then he said he loved me".   I mean, your considered comments (back to me) seem to have more maturity despite your 13 year old status.    But then I can't give you a free shampoo sample.

Adios, David.

PS   Nice to get Melinda's response in addition to myself, Mod A, geoff and ben.  Maybe a few more ladies will chip in with this topic that is close to our hearts.

[T_J_L]

hi shay,

i made the mistake of almost "doing it" with a boy. he came over to help with homework and we started doing stuff. problem was he had a girlfriend. you should only ever have sex if you really love eachother. talk to him. and see if he really loves you. if he is pressuring you, DONT DO IT!! just tell him upfront. dont make my mistake. cuz the only reason i alsmost did it with this guy was because we both were in the mood. it was  a mistake. he didnt penetrate me because there was no protection.. just he doesnt sound like the right guy. dont loose it if he isnt right. i almost had to learn that lesson the hard way. so yea im rambling. i personally wouldnt do it..

your 13.. young we have a life ahead of us. and if you have depression. it made mine worse for a while. talk to me about anything as we are similar in age and stuff. im always around to talk 

in the end its your descision.. ok

tegan