Heard horrifying news about my Ex-Girlfriend who i care about and still had feelings for.

[bennymate]

My Ex and i have been broken up for a year and all that time i was following strict NC (No Contact, when you completely block them out of your life). I am 19 and she is 20. We finally spoke after she reached out to me and i allowed the phone call, the news and information i heard about her life threw me into shock and trauma. She had a boyfriend that beat her, she got seriously into hard drugs (such as heroin and cocaine) and can't get off them, adding to this she took up a job as a stripper. This was a lot for me to handle as i had been struggling the entire year trying to get over her and then to hear all of this terrible news really shook me. In addition, i have mild jealousy issues and mood disorders such as OCD so it makes the whole ideal worse, i can't stop ruminating about the horrible things that would have happened to her in the past year and i often think this will scar me forever. The emotions i feel are Guilt, sadness and jealousy.

We dated for 1.5 years, she was my first girlfriend, my first love and we had a very intense relationship so seeing her like this is very very disheartening and makes me extremely sad. I wish i could help her but i can't and i had to block her again and im just still in a state of shock. I alerted my parents about it just so they understand what im going through. Please help 😕

[dragonflies]

Hey bennymate,

I'm F 19. My first and last relationship was longterm first love, intense, first boyfriend situation as well. When he broke up with me out of blue and was seeing someone else it broke my heart and took me so long to get over. I did absolutely NC too. He tried to talk to me but I would never reply. After a while I blocked and deleted him off everything etc. This was the only way to show myself that it was time to move on and that I wasn't going to go back.

This may just be my opinion but I think that you don't owe her. You had a loving relationship and would have spent time together and invested in each other right? But I always remind myself that it was my first love, we'd probably never get married! And that it was more than normal for it to end at some point. There are sure to be more loves in the future right? I try to look back on it in a positive mindset even though it ended on such a negative note. I think about the good times we had, all the love and care and appreciate everything he did for me and all I could do for him. For me personally I believe it is helpful and healthy to end relationships with NC. To me its the easiest way to move forward in life without a constant reminder.

Personally, in my opinion, I think it was unfair for her to call you up after so much time and to put that all onto you, when you have been hurting and trying to move forward. Nothing she has done is your fault. I think it was all her decision. I don't know why she had to call you up to tell you that? I don't know if it was to intentionally to hurt you or make you think about her again? or attention seeking?

I understand seeing her like this would be very sad. I would feel the same. But if you're not in that intense relationship and don't really have anything to do with each other why does she feel the need to make you part of that all?

I was into drugs but got out of them. I think people at some stage choose to go down a path, maybe know they are going down that path. That being said when being on drugs you have no idea you can be, but thats what can happen. It is a choice and say if I wanted to do them no one could stop me from doing it. Like when I wanted to stop no one else could have made me stop - my decision.

Again this is my opinion and can be wrong but I don't think it is fair for you to have to feel jealously and ruminate about her. You deserve to be happy first off.

If you would like to share more I am more than happy to listen and chat.

[bennymate]

Thanks for the reply, i honestly think its a good thing.

She broke up with me a year ago and without even skipping a beat, i blocked her and pushed the pain away, i dont think i ever accepted it. For the last year i have been following very strict NC without closure or acceptance, for the past year i always had this thought that i had to be with her and that she is still so perfect in my eyes and i let her slip right through my hands, this made me depressed, i felt like i had no purpose cause she wasn't in my life. I turned to drugs to deal with the pain, i became addicted to marijuana (just coming off it) and i pushed the pain down more and more and never faced my fear and accepted the break up. Now that i have seen the horrible person she has become i just feel numb, like i feel i have turned a SERIOUS corner in my break up recovery, i dont want her back anymore, i dont even want her in my life anymore. Its just sad seeing a person i really used to care about just become pretty much a dead person.

My mindset and viewpoint about everything has changed, my head doesn't feel as cloudy, i see light at the end of the tunnel. I think this is what my brain needed to actually move on. What are your thoughts?

[geoff]

hi Bennymate, she ended the r/ship now she's with a guy who beats her up and is taking drugs would you ever want her back with you, definitely not that would be disastrous, because she would need to get off the drugs if that's possible, but you couldn't trust her plus it would be horrible for you.
Good reply Dragonflies and totally agree with you.
No r/ship is easy to cope with when it finishes, but you can't jump from the frying pan back into the fire, she's only crying wolf and got into this situation by herself, and yes I feel sorry for her as a daily responder and would offer help for her if she came onto the site, that's my job, not yours, forget about her.
At 19 there is so much more for you to enjoy in life, go and have some fun and don't be dragged back in. Geoff.

[dragonflies]

Hey bennymate,

I was exactly the same, I straight up told myself I was fine and didn't actually spend anytime thinking about it or accepting it. It only just creeped up on me way worse each day I put it off. Never had any closure either because I never spoke to him about it. I thought the same, only since the past couple months (2 years after breakup) have I just realised no I don't want to be with him. I believed it was only ever him, that I could never feel that way with anyone else, he was perfect and through me being distant and smoking/drugs that I pushed him away. I felt so alone, we would talk constantly all day everyday so I'd used to relate it to as if he had just died. I was right into smoking before so when he had ended it, it was my coping mechanism and increased tenfold. I didn't want to accept it either. Sometimes I would just imagine us together as sad as that sounds. Forgetting each day as it went by. When I quit all my emotions and feelings came back and it would almost feel as if he had broken up with me the day before because I had blurred in-between so much... I promise if you keep up with quitting it will get better.

I spoke to him around a couple months ago and that is when I got my closure, like you said you feel you have. He was cruel and mean to me after only ever reaching out and being kind before. I don't want him anymore.

I'm happy that you were able to get closure and clearheaded. It helped me more than I could've ever imagined. It is sad to see that but we can't control everyone around us. Some people will go up in life and others down, not much we can do? I think you are very brave. And the fact that you are capable of loving someone so dearly at such a young age like me, is a huge quality to have and all we can do is know that it is possible to find that again (I think!!)

What do you like to do with your time? Have you talked to/seen any girls since? How would you feel about that? Do you have some close mates that help you through tough times?

I have tried to see boys, nothing ever clicked like it did with ex. At the moment there is this one guy who is really lovely and gorgeous but I am worried that I don't have that feeling. This seems to happen with everyone. I feel like I am trying to match up to that previous feeling or something. I don't know if theres someone out there who would want to talk to me and see me constantly. I find it hard to find someone with common 'relationship style'

dragonflies

[bennymate]

Hey dragonflies,

Thanks for coming back to the thread and helping me out in this horrible time in my life. I don't know what true closure feels like but if this doesn't stop me from wanting her back, nothing actually will. I was raised in a very conservative family, i'm extremely sensitive emotionally and can very easily be triggered so i just pray that this time around i heal properly with a different mindset and actually begin to start realising life without her and start to move on. As for smoking, i stopped at the worst possible time (1 day before i got the phone call from her) so on top of all the emotional pain that she threw onto me telling me about her new and horrible life, i am dealing with withdrawal symptoms (anxiety, insomnia etc).

In reply to your questions, i have been with other girls but not in a dating sense, nothing really seemed to work, other than giving me a bit of confidence i was still comparing them all to my ex and it was just terrible. At the moment i am doing nothing with myself, i just finished uni for the year so i have a lot of free time to just ruminate and feel down about things. The pain and anxiety is at its absolute worst in the morning and sort of eases off as the day rolls on. I tried going for a run/walk early this morning and i ended up just breaking down on the sidewalk and crying/vomiting uncontrollably. I think having OCD makes the thoughts 10x harder to deal with.

I just hope that i get over the break up properly now as i enter this whole new phase of pain and heartache, i hope i have the closure now and my brain can finally start to move on, and i hope time will help the pain!

bennymate

[dragonflies]

Hey bennymate

Thanks for reply. I'm more than happy to try help out. I know the feeling and it hurts. I can be here for you for sure.

Maybe theres no such thing as full closure? Maybe we have to wait to fall in love with someone for us to begin to completely let go. May I ask what you mean by conservative? Can you talk freely with parents and open up? My dad has been easy to talk to and I can tell him anything. However I feel like I need to appear tough or above feeling emotional and hurt if that makes sense. I think being sensitive and emotional will get you far in life. You can feel more than others.

I hope you can heal properly this time too. The fact that you're able to say that and recognise a new mindset and that you can live without her is the first step. It can only go uphill from there I promise. It took a long time to get used to being on my own again and thinking I'm 'by myself'. In some sense we are all alone in this world. We try to fill that void, but its ok to be alone at times too, to focus on ourselves.

Man thats unfortunate timing! Only positive about it is that you had to deal with what could've been the worst possible situation and now it can only get easier. Our feelings and thoughts are heightened when quitting because they have been so numb for so long, but they will calm down and start to feel normal soon again. It just takes time and I believe if you've made it this far is to keep riding it out till the withdrawal is gone. It will go. No point in going back and having to start all over again right? I struggled with insomnia too. I would wake up early in morning so that I was very tired by night and just turned out lights and told myself that Id eventually fall asleep... It was hard but I'd get to sleep in the end.

Yeah same goes for me, in comparing to ex. Everyone is different and have different things to offer and make us feel. I don't do much at all either, differed uni again because so down. I have plenty of time to ruminate too. If it helps and makes you feel better typing it out and letting it go on here, like I said I can be here to listen and chat.

I'm sorry to hear. Is there anything you can wakeup and have to do straight away to try district yourself from the pain and anxiety? I wish I knew the answer for how to rid bad thoughts. Does OCD make the thoughts play on repeat or obsess on them? I wonder if its possible to replace these thoughts with better ones? They say time is all it takes. Lets hope so.

dragonflies

[bennymate]

Thanks so much again for being here for me, your replies have been so helpful.

My parents have actually been really great about it, helping me through the ideal and all. I think what i mean by conservative is that i was raised very sheltered and it didn't do me any favours in preparing for life and dealing with my emotions.

I really liked what you said about being emotional will get you far in life, i definitely agree and it was reassuring to hear.

Things are very slowly getting better, going for walks helps a lot, i also visited my GP today and was given a prescription for medication to take in the morning. I was also able to sleep in a bit this morning, so that was a good sign. OCD is the worst because the intrusive thoughts suck, the good news is that over time my brain syncs in the information, but this can take a while.

As i mentioned, things definitely feel different, i feel like i no longer need to live in curiosity/fear about what she is up to and always being paranoid about hearing about her life, but now i feel i know all and it won't hurt me as much in the future. I also had a sudden urge to apply for a job, go to the gym more, look after my body more, getting off drugs, reaching out to friends i pushed away because of the break up. The fact that this happened all suddenly is a good sign, maybe i am finally unstuck.

Fingers crossed!

[dragonflies]

Hey bennymate,

It makes me so happy to hear you're feeling up and motivated. Sounds like you're ready to start living again.

Going to the GP was very brave of you. I found it so hard to go. I definitely wouldn't have if it weren't for my dad. Good on you.

We probably swapped sleeps then! On another medication now and had a solid 3 hours haha. Feeling weird today...

I hope you can remind yourself that once you get through all the shitty girls and ones who you don't get that feeling with and probably when you least expect it, you will meet someone that will blow your mind away. There are all sorts of people out there, people that you wouldn't have ever thought could exist.

Keep taking it day by day, looking after yourself and caring for yourself more and more. It will make you feel like a different you. A happy you.

I hope you come back to let me know how you're going. I hope everything keeps getting better from here. I'm sure there will be some downs but thats ok, as long as you keep heading towards the top on that up and down ride then you're doing better than ever. How would we know what was good if we never experienced anything bad right...

Wishing you lots of motivation to keep going and happiness.

dragonflies

[bennymate]

It has been very up and down.

Sometimes i get into a really dark place when i constantly ruminate to the point of restlessness, i feel like there's no escaping the thoughts of her with other people. My emotions have shifted from guilt initially to crushing jealousy which leads to depression. It truly is sad that i regret even meeting her because of the all the pain she has caused me in the last 2 years, i am a shadow of my former self now and i am easily triggered by anything and it sucks.

I hope something actually changes, cause i feel so hopeless right now.