Healing my relationship with my body

[Cam.ryn]

tw: weight/eating

I've struggled a long time with my body image. I come from a family of overweight people, and so I was always surrounded by discussions of diets and "we need to lose weight" and comments about looking big and gross and ugly. I've pretty much always been a healthy weight my whole life, so there weren't ever directed at me, but I sure think as a child I definitely internalised them. And then of course social media and the internet love promoting small bodies and yeah its hard being a human being and looking like a normal human being.

I've definitely had disordered eating habits and gone through phases of restriction and bingeing. I won't go to crazy into the details but ive been a lot smaller than I am now, and a lot bigger too. No matter what size I am im just never comfortable or happy.

I definitely think my eating is linked to emotions in other aspects of my life as well. I eat when I'm bored, when I'm sad, when I'm stressed. I also basically always think about food. When I wake up I'm like "omg what am I going to eat today". I feel guilty about what I eat, I feel out of control sometimes when it comes to eating, and I know I do not have balanced/healthy habits.

It just generally not fun, and I think put so much brain power and energy into hating my body and thinking about food, that I could use instead towards my uni or friends, etc.

I guess I don't really know what I'm looking for here to be honest... I guess I'm just hoping someone out there has cracked the code on self-acceptance because I want so badly to be happy with my body just the way it is. Those sneaky thoughts just always creep in and tell me I'm too fat.

[quirkywords]

Cam.ryn
thanks for your honest post. I can relate and many reading will relate to it too.m

I was overweight for most of my life and my parents pet name  for me was fatty.

It has taken me decades to accept myself but it is hard. What do you like about howyoun look. .?

[ABC01]

Dear Cam.ryn,

I am sorry you are feeling this about yourself and body image. I can relate and have definitely felt some of these thoughts about myself.

 I don’t know about cracking a code, but self love and acceptance are key.

Social media, television and even radio send out so many messages about us from head to toe. Some of them have been researched,but the majority of them haven’t and are ways to make money off sensitive subjects,from vulnerable people.

We are all born unique. Our DNA is perfect for just us. You are wonderful just the way you are.

I eat when I am bored. I eat when I am stressed. I eat because of some of the medications I take. I also eat because I am told it is dinnertime at 5pm,so eat.

One thing I noticed in your post is that you are very informed and can identify alot of your past and present. That is a great thing to be able to do. That can give you directions on where to go or research for your health.

We all have bad days in the mirror and sometimes good days too.

You are not alone. And your feelings are valid.

Do those thoughts come from yourself today or your past experiences?

Can you counteract them by pointing out even just one thing you do like about yourself?

The world is becoming slowly more body inclusive. Can you see yourself fitting into that narrative instead of the ones that are more negative?

I hope that you can, as you mentioned uni and friends, and that is a better use of your energy then to focus on things that are unobtainable to almost everyone but 1%.(And that is those with money to buy themselves anything,even if it is dangerous to their health.)

Please keep your head up.

ABC01

[Guest_10034]

i dont fully know how you feel but i do in a way i have awlways been diffrent due to the way i was born and i feel like i have been treated diffrently almost like iv been push aside socialy due to the fact im a bit diffrent.

[ABC01]

Dear Guest_23645829,

I am so sorry to hear that you feel this way.

I support you.

ABC01

[Janey_beyond]

Hey, as someone also in ‘recovery’ from an eating disorder I feel obliged to reply. Firstly, you’re not alone and I totally valid your thoughts and feelings as they feel so real and ugly. The honest truth is, you might always have those thoughts, you just have to learn how to deal with them. Say them out loud, practice checking the facts (a dbt skill) on them, journal even. Read information on ‘body neutrality’ its really helpful. Instead of trying to look into the mirror saying ‘I love my nose’, say ‘my nose helps me breathe and smell nice things’. Also make sure you’re eating enough throughout the day. Please be kind to yourself. And if you can’t, picture being kind to your inner child.

[Guest_10034]

well i guess thatone of the only ways to biuld confidence is to be able to look at yourself and reslise everybody is biult diffrent becousse if we were all the same there would be nothing unique about anyone sure it may make us feel diffrent but who said "diffrent" was a bad thing???

[whimsymoonwitch]

Hi love,

I just wanna say thank you for sharing your story here with us. Its not easy being so open and vunerable so im proud of you for reaching out.

Ive struggled with weight my whole life, I also come from a family of obesity. We all struggle with the back and forth diet culture, unbalanced/large meals and role models who struggle with their bodies too, which even if not intended, does influence us as the kids. 

Self acceptance isnt so much a destination, but an ongoing journey you will face your whole life as your body changes. Once your happy with your weight, itll be something else like growing into your adult body. your teen body no longer serves you, you put on a little around the hips, your face fills out, small wrinkles or skin changes, grey hairs, itll always be SOMETHING. You have to be able to do the work and be headstrong to face these feelings as they come. feel them, think about why you think your insecurities are bothering you, where does it come from? would you think poorly of someone else if they had these, think of a partner if they had these things would you be grossed out? try not to think about how YOU think others percieve you because most of the time, bluntly, people arent paying that close attention. 

Im 23 years old, female and have been obese since i hit puberty. After some major trauma i ballooned to a life threatening weight which was from binge eating, emotional eating as well as eating as a form of self harm. Becoming numb and not being in tune with my body at all destroyed me. I gained 50kgs after high school in 3-4 years. During this time, I didnt percieve my body. I ignored it and convinced myself i had accepted myself when the truth was, i was slowly hurting my body because deep down, i did hate myself and i was activley harming it by neglecting it and not percieving it as mine. I was scared to admit the problem because I didnt want to work on it. I was scared of failure, I was scared to admit I wasnt in control of my body or my mind. Its a dark place to be and the first step for me was to accept that I was slowly really hurting myself not only with my eating, but with my self limiting beliefs that instilled these fears. I had to do the work mentally before i could even start the physical journey. 

I have recently gone thru a major life change after yet another trauma and I got gastric sleeve surgery, which is helping me loose all that weight. Ive lost 50kgs so far and i still have abt 60 to go. But on my journey, i have realised something that I hope may help you in yours.

Self acceptance and self love isnt just about being happy with how you look. It takes work. You have to look at yourself from a third person view, talk to yourself, connect with your body and soul on an intimate level like youre a friend. Write letters to yourself, journal, it helps me personify myself which helps me want to get better. 

What i found helped me with the food noise, as much as it feels contradicting, is cooking!

Learning how to cook meals at home has drastically improved my relationship with food. Look up what a standard serving size is- in my home, we ate at least a double portion of pasta or rice with our food, i thought that was normal till i learned to cook myself because that was "my normal" at home. Also,  practice intuitive eating. Chew your food slowly and really savour every bite. mindless eating while watching youtube goes out the window! focus on finding recipies you enjoy, and stop when youre full! when you use intuitive eating as a tool, you eat slower and are more mindful of how full you actually are. treat food as fuel and please dont be scared of carbs, a balanced diet includes carbs. depending on your goals, your plate will look different. carbs are not the enemy. 

Finding a hobby that can help you take your mind off food helps too. when youre depressed or upset about something and need that dopamine hit, your brain wants to take the path of least resistance, and what is that? food! drugs/alcohol! tiktok scrolling! short and fast bursts of dopamine that our body is addicted to because its easy and fast. it takes a while, but find yourself a creative hobby, learn an instrument, draw, write, dance, crochet, anything! whatever can keep your attention span. it takes a while to work because you have to rewire your brain and form the habit but if you can keep it up for a month or so, it starts to become second nature.

[whimsymoonwitch]

COULDNT FIT EVERYTHING IN ONE COMMENT SO PT 2 FROM ME ❤️

Again, its a process that you will take with you all your life. I still remember some of the horrible things "friends" told me in high school, and even worse things partners said to me. I was everything from ridiculed, laughed at, fetishised and shamed for my weight for years. Those words stick and are hard to let go especially if you still have people in your life that continue to say those hurtful things. Stand up for yourself, set boundaries and handle it with grace.

Sometimes you don't have the energy to engage with it. That's more than okay. Protect your peace. If you want to disengage quickly, say something like this.

"Eh, I'm trying to have a more positive outlook on myself."
"You know what, let's talk about something else."
"Actually, I need to use the bathroom. I'll be back!"
"Honestly, Nana, I really don't appreciate comments about my body, and I'd like you to stop."
"Look, I understand what you're trying to say – but let's avoid discussing my appearance."
"You know I love you/value you/respect your opinion. I just need you to respect my wishes to not comment on my body.
It takes courage and practice, but be brave. Your peace is important. 

Our journeys may be different, but I hope I can provide a little bit of advice, or at least tell you youre not alone in this. All my love to you and good luck. 

And remember, if you want to or are trying to love yourself, you already do ❤️