giving up

[TBear5879]

Hi, I'm just here to vent. I have autism and ADHD and would like to be tested for depression so yeah, not a great start to life for me. As well as the fact that I don't really want a life anymore. I don't necessarily want to die I just want the pain to go away. I feel like during the day I can be so happy and everyone says I'm doing great and that I'm always so happy but I know it's a fake smile even though I really wish it wasn't. Then at night I just get hit with a wave of sadness but sometimes it's not even sadness it's just numb I feel so emotionless in the worst way possible. my whole life I've been taught to understand and know my emotions but this, this is just a lost, sad, angry... Numbness. I don't know what to do anymore I want to be happy, I really do but I can't. I tell all my friends and family that I'm happy. That I'm okay, but I just feel like I'm dying inside. Everything is just so hard. My whole body aches. Every mucel in my brain is telling to give up, begging me to give up. My mouth is screaming at me to stop smiling. The ocean of tears is threatening to pore out from behind my eyes. I just want to give up. Make the pain go away. I don't know... At this point I just don't know, I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am, I don't know how to be happy. I just don't know. Please if anyone feels like this please tell me I want to know I'm not alone. If you feel like this know that I will listen to you and not just listen I will actually hear you. I'm here for you. You're amazing! You've got this!

[white knight]

Hi welcome

I'm 67yo but before 26yo I felt exactly the same. I was mentally lost, distant from people and was undiagnosed.

As the years went by I felt there was something wrong, then a partner of mine, when I was 46yo, said she felt I needed to see a GP about my mood and sadness. I went, was referred to a psychiatrist and diagnosed wrongly with ADHD, anxiety. Subsequently took meds for 6 years and none worked so got a second opinion and diagnosed with bipolar, dysthymia (constant low depression and causes sadness) and depression. Took the new medication and have advanced ever since.

So why did things change before 26yo?  I was invited to a lecture by a motivator. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/focus-and-never-ever-give-up/td-p/205053

So to learn about yourself and to become positive, you need to take everything in your life seriously as to what you can change. Eg Removal of toxic people, move house, reward yourself, find a hobby, sport, interest, find appreciation for life as simple as watching admiring and appreciation a bee collecting nectar or an eagle flying.  This basic part of life we forget about due to modern life. Camping is a good idea even overnight.

It wont happen in days or weeks but months away you will be a happier person. 

You only have to read the first page of each of those link I sent.  I'm happy to talk further. What do you think?

BTW do you listen to sad music?

TonyWK

[Italian]

Thankyou , so helpful , it's early stages for me , I've never experienced this before , but I'm tough , and know that I'll beat it eventually ,, I've been through a lot lately and I'm trying to deal with it the best way I can , having a stroke , losing a very close family member ,,, I think my issue is only mild compared to some but it's always good to share your feelings...

[TBear5879]

Hi thank you so much. I do listed to a fair bit of sad music. I’m a teenager so some suggestions may not work but thank you for all the amazing suggestions. I camp a lot with my family it’s really nice.

[white knight]

Sadness if excessive could point to dysthymia as I have it but we can't diagnose.

It's refreshing to read about a teenager with such insight and positivity the latter if which will come and go with mental illness.  So we can't expect to remain motivated. 

Having a passion can help. Have you got an interest, hobby, sport?

TonyWK