First steps to recovery

[kate98]

My name is Kate and a little while ago I was diagnosed with severe depression and anger problems. Telling my story was suggested as a way to let it out because I have trouble telling people including my psychologists about my mental state. 

When I was ten my father was diagnosed with depression. He was abusive and he and my mother would constantly shut me out for hours and hours every day, to be on my own while I could hear my father screaming at my mother from their room. I was too young to realize it was my mother's attempt to keep me away from my dangerous father. By the time of their break up a year later I was detached from my parents, I no longer loved them, and I wanted nothing to do with my father.

Two years ago I began having extreme fits of anger. At first they were passed off as me being a difficult teenager. Last year I was diagnosed with anxiety, after having embarrassing panic attacks in public and at my now ex boyfriends house. It got to the point where I was unable to catch the school bus anymore or go to school much at all. I didn't want people to find out because I was embarrassed and afraid of the judgement. Then it became a trend for teenagers to go around posting on social media that they have mental illnesses, and then were labelled as attention seeking, This made me even more afraid to get help when things began to go downhill at the start of this year. I have since overcome my anxiety with minimum help from medication which I am proud of, and can now control my panic attacks. 

However at the start of this year I began becoming obsessed over having total control over things. My anger problems made a huge comeback and the mix of my rages and need for control pushed my boyfriend and my friends away until I was alone again. I was angry, sad and empty all at the same time and I didn't even know how that was possible. I stopped caring about myself and began taking big unnecessary risks. I ran away constantly and threw myself at any boy who showed interest in me, who of course used me and left me even more broken and alone. I felt worthless. I couldn't get motivated to do anything. I was too afraid to speak up about how I was feeling for fear of being labelled as an attention seeking teenager. I began to self harm to feel in control of myself. I almost left it too late to talk to someone.

Two weeks ago I was hospitalized for being suicidal, I now see a psychologist and I am trying to make a better, happier life for myself.

[white knight]

Hi Kate, welcome to Beyond Blue forums

Wow, what a well written story in good detail. I'm happy you got off your meds but sometimes we are reminded why we need them. It took me 12 years to get off my anxiety meds and I've never stopped my relaxation routine and muscle tensioning exercises. So I'm a little cautious of the long term with you ending your meds.

There is a chat line at the top on this site and a number if you feel you have suicidal thoughts....just saying. We all live on the edge sometimes. When young most of us are used by others. Take it as experience and move on from poor decisions. It's how we learn and we all are at risk there.

Try looking at planning your life. Short medium and long term goals.

Finally, have you ever thought about meeting up with your dad? I ask this because it seems from what you say that his rage was with your mum not with you. Yes, they didnt seem to treat you well by separating you from them during arguments however that isnt where love ends. He might have you in his heart right now and thinking about the day you'll contact him? Dads grieve to. The decision is yours alone.

" I stopped caring about myself and began taking big unnecessary risks." This can be a sign of depression or other illness.  I urge you to keep regular contact with your Dr. We all need to care for ourselves. 

Read up threads in the Recovery section of this site. There are many that can help with knowledge of your illness.

Take care    Tony WK