extreme pre-exam stress

[C74]

Growing up, I was never one of those diligent kids; you know the type. Those that go around holding massive organised binders with highlighted notes and study timetables... I would show up to class, occasionally listen, and binge study the night before; strangely, I managed to get by until year 11, when my grades began dropping quite extremely.

This year, I am in year 12, the final grade of school. Afterwards, it's university where my life can truly begin, and I can mostly be independent and free. But before then, there's this hurdle I must cross; the HSC.

The moment 2019 began, something clicked and I felt this resolve; I must study hard, I must work to get the best results I possibly can. Surely that's great, ambition is key to success and all that, right? Nope.

I've heard stories of people who've gone overboard, and I've always pushed that aside. People told me that you should always put your health and wellbeing above studying and they're definitely right, as I've learnt much too late. Now I've fallen into a deep dark hole that I can't get out of.

The start of the year was great; I made sure I slept at 10:30pm, I kept a diary, I made sure most of my homework was done and studied hard over the monthlong summer holidays. Alas, it wasn't enough. <- Result of me being too lax throughout year 11

Now I'm in the middle of my assessment block, which'll go on until end of next week. We get ranks in these. As a result, I'm finding myself studying until 3-4am, I'm studying on the train, I'm skipping meals to study, I don't take breaks... Incredibly unhealthy. I've been suffering from low blood sugar levels, and now I've fainted twice in public from fatigue, and fell onto hard concrete both times so I've currently sustained injuries on my arms, legs and fingers (making it difficult to write fast). Not long ago, something happened (not going to go into much detail, it's not too relevant) which wasted an hour of my time. I had a completely mental breakdown, and refused to eat dinner, sobbing and panicking in the fear that people may have 'caught up' to me in that one hour. I have a stomach ulcer as a result of skipping meals, and the pain worsens when I'm hungry. Yet despite starving from skipping meals, I felt as if I had to catch up due to that lost hour. Just that one mere hour.

I have gone from overly lax to excessively stressed. I can't help it, and I don't know what to do. If anyone could leave advice, I would so grateful. I just can't go on like this.

C74

[C74]

Hello Summer Rose,

Thank you for your reply. I wish I was writing back to tell you that things are getting better. I wish I was writing to say that everything that was wrong about my life has suddenly made a turn for the better, and that I'm having the time of my life. I'm so sorry for having such a pathetic life.

Not a single day of my life goes by where I don't cry at least once. I'm just so overwhelmed, I can't think straight anymore. Currently I'm in my school holidays and I've spent every day studying, tutoring, you name it. From the moment I've woken up, until late at night, studying was all you'd see me doing. I just wanted to make my parents proud, but they never even give me a "good job". I can't even please them, I'm not good enough. I'm exhausting myself, I need a break, and no one will allow me to have one. I go on my phone for literally one minute, and my parents yell at me for a whole day. (If they see my phone open for just a second, no matter what I'm doing, they just yell at me, accusing me of spending the whole day on my phone) They abuse me; they hit me to the point where I've gotten panic attacks, yet they'd continue. They refuse to acknowledge that it's abuse, and I'm not even brave enough to tell anyone because I don't want to get them in trouble.

[C74]

.....ok weirdly enough the 2nd part of that message isn't being posted. I didn't say anything appropriate, so I don't know why. I really don't have time to rewrite it so this is kind of annoying...........

I guess long story short, I'm fully convinced everyone hates me and I don't know what to do. I'll rewrite it when I have time I guess

[Summer Rose]

Hi C74

I wrote you a considered response yesterday but it has been held up. I don't know why.

I still want to communicate the same messages, so I feel at a loss as to how to proceed. I am writing this so that you know I am still here and still supporting you.

Kind thoughts to you

[C74]

Hello Summer Rose,

You've been my biggest support this year and I really want to thank you.

Update on my life...

I just feel as if I'm truly trapped in a maze right now. I'm stuck and I don't know where to go. I'm walking the path my parents are laying out for me, even though it leads to a dead end.

They're so controlling of my life now; they don't trust me to study hard enough, and it hurts because I know I have been working hard. I've seen a doctor about my chronic headaches, and he seems to believe that it's stress induced. I'm constantly crying every moment I get to myself, and I feel so alone.

I'm being isolated from everything I once loved; talking to friends, chess, music. My parents monitor all websites I have visited, all my texts from all my apps... they're making sure I don't even click onto any of them. They're threatening to install cameras all over the house to watch me at all times. They confiscate all devices at 10pm because at that point, my mum goes to bed so she won't be able to monitor me anymore (this also affects my schoolwork, as I actually require a laptop to do my work)

They won't let me do anything except study, study, study. I get scolded for going to the bathroom. I get my pillow and blankets taken from my bed so I'm not permitted to sleep until 10pm, even if my headaches are worsening (Bedtime at 10pm sounds good, but since I get devices taken at 10pm, I have to do all my work that requires a laptop until 10pm, and then leave everything that does not require a laptop until after 10, AKA math, showering, packing my bag... which can take ages). I get woken up at 7-8pm everyday. I thought my previous state was bad for me, and that I was going to get wiped out but now my parents are making it even worse.

All this exhaustion I'm going through is making my studying really ineffective, and as a result, my improvement is slowing down. My dad made all kinds of threats to me if I don't do well in the HSC. I'm so scared... I can't imagine what'll happen to me if I do badly.

I've begun travelling to the library to avoid staying at my home all day (my home isn't the best environment, with my parents constantly scolding me) but that takes a whole hour's commute. I'm so lost, I feel like a hopeless case.

Simply knowing you're somewhere out there, and supporting me is honestly helping me get through this so much. I'm so glad I can open up and have somewhere where I can be vulnerable.

Hope to talk to you soon

C74

[Summer Rose]

Hi C74

I've been thinking about you all day.

I am really worried about you. I am concerned about your mental health and your safety. You are being put under far too much pressure and I believe you are being abused, both physically and emotionally.

Nothing is worth the pressure you are being put under. Nothing excuses the abuse and you were so brave to raise the issue.

I want you to survive this year and reach your goal but I'm now wondering if it would be best to do this living somewhere else. Do you have any other family you could stay with? Perhaps a friend's place?

I think it's great that you saw the doctor about your headaches. Did you tell the doctor about what's going on at home? If you didn't, how would you feel about making another appointment and telling the doctor about how you are being treated?

Don't worry about "getting your parents in trouble". Any potential consequences are their responsibility, not yours. At this stage, you have to protect yourself.

I am here. I care. I believe in you.

I am sending you a hug and keeping you in my prayers. Please let me know how you are getting on when you have time x

[C74]

Hello Summer Rose,

Thank you so much for your reply.

Back with another life update:

I'm just so disgusted with the way my mother handles things. I told her about my dad, about the abusive things he's said and done, and she says I deserve it. It's just so unfair, I've always tried to be the perfect child, eg. I look after my mum when she's sick and she just gets angry at me for getting sick. I buy her birthday presents, even though my parents don't buy me any.

Now I'm sick to the stomach with what she just did; she was browsing through my phone as she usually does every night, reading all my texts, going on my safari to see what websites I've been on, and she DOBS ON ME TO MY DAD about an ADVERTISEMENT I had accidentally opened earlier today which had something to do with social media. Of course, he came and started threatening me. Why on earth would she dob on me to my abusive dad? Why on earth wouldn't she just talk to me first and ask about the context behind it? I'm ranting to you right now and I'm sorry about that, but I'm just really annoyed... Earlier today, I even gave her my dinner that I had bought, just so she wouldn't have to get up and make anything (she got a stomachache afterwards and started blaming me even though her stomachache was from the spoiled food she ate herself at lunch...).

I see other kids whose parents keep reminding them that they love them no matter what, and I just can't help but feel so envious. What have I done to deserve this life? I can't even bring myself to be unkind to the people who treat me unkindly... I don't know why, I just can't. No matter how badly anyone treats me, I forgive them way too easily and end up trusting them... that's how I get hurt.

Anyways, to answer your question about whether I can live elsewhere...I would hate to burden anyone else by living with them, and the rest of my family would either say my dad is right to do what he's doing... I can already tell none of my friends would say yes either. Most of them ignore me even when I'm asking them how to do something during class, even when I had just helped them and the one that would help have parents who'd probably say no.

I can't talk to my doctor about my home problems also... I've had the same doctor my whole life, and he's good friends with my mum and I. I would hate to ruin that between them... If I take any action against this abuse, my whole family will just hate me for it.

I can't do it, I'm such a coward, I'm so sorry...

C74

[Summer Rose]

Hi C74

I'm sorry it has taken so long for me to respond, I am actually out of the country at present and exceptionally busy. This is my first opportunity to check in and respond in days.

You are not a coward and you don't have to do anything at present, except look after yourself. If you ever feel you need to talk to someone you can always call the kids helpline on 1800 55 1800. It's a free service and the people are very helpful and experienced with the type of issues you are experiencing.

Like you, I do not understand your parent's behaviour. You deserve so much more. But unfortunately I don't think your parents are going to change their ways without outside help.

You can change how you respond to them but it takes some work. If you can't seek professional mental health help through your doctor, I'm wondering how you would feel about visiting your local headspace centre?

Kind thoughts to you

[C74]

Hi Summer Rose,

So good to hear from you again 🙂

Please don't be sorry for taking time responding; you're always here for me, so when it took a couple of days, I just assumed you were probably really busy so I really appreciate you still coming in to check on me - 4 days is nothing, most people I know would never in a million years bother to hear me out.

So I just need to vent a bit right now...

I'm just really annoyed at my dad right now. Everytime he thinks I'm not on my best behaviour, he menacingly yells "Is your old attitude back again? Do I need to punish you again?". What old attitude? Literally nothing has ever changed about me, I've always tried to be the best person I can be. Idk why it bothers me so much when he says that... I'm probably being oversensitive.

Also, my mum keeps taking his side when he abuses me, which bothers me. He’s such a bad husband to her… my mum does all the chores, yet he’s yells at her for doing a bad job with chores saying even he could do a better job. I can’t help but think, “If that’s true, why don’t you either do it, or if you don’t want to, then don’t complain?”. Of course, I don’t say that to him because I don’t want to get beaten up. Her job is way more physically demanding than his, and she earns nowhere near as much as he does, yet she pays the water/electricity/phone bills. He continues to complain that she spends no money on the household.

He’s constantly saying that he regrets marrying her, and that she’s incredibly lucky to have him whilst he has to put up with her. I'm always telling my mum to remember she's wonderful, and that I love her. Yet she still takes his side. Always… and very confidently, without any hesitation.

Why is it that every single person of my life prefers someone else over me, even when ‘someone else’ doesn’t care about them nearly as much? It’s the same case with my friends… they’ll always prefer someone else over me, and completely forget about every time I’ve helped them. I’ve had so many ‘best friends’ in the past, who just ditched me for someone cooler, even when I’d done nothing wrong. I don’t know what’s so dislikable about me, and I wish I knew. I would change myself for anyone to just appreciate me… I would do anything. I’ve cared about people to the point where I know for sure that I’d do pretty much anything for them. But they’d never be willing to do the smallest things for me.

I need advice 😞
What can I do about this? How can I make myself a better person?
C74

[Summer Rose]

Hi C74

Good to hear from you. I'm going to get straight to the point: I don't believe you need to change "to be a better person".

You are kind, loyal and hard working. You are giving life your best shot in an honourable way in very difficult circumstances. You should be proud of yourself.

Your dad sounds like a regretful, unhappy man. I suspect your mum is doing her best just to keep the marriage together. She may even be afraid to stand up to your father.

None of that is your fault. Your parents are simply human, with flaws like the rest of us. And you, unfortunately, seem to be bearing the brunt of their unhappiness.

I grew up in an unhappy home, too. My father was an alcoholic and my mum did her best. I left the minute I turned 18 and got accepted to university. I vowed to never again accept the type of behaviour I had experienced in my family home. And I have never compromised on that.

Your parents may always be a part of your life but not in the same way once you leave the nest. There is light at the end of the tunnel and hope for healthier relationships.

Teenagers often make for fickle friends. From my experience and my children's experience, friendship groups often change. Try not to take this personally but I think it's fair to say that these years are hardest on the sensitive souls.

The blessing is that you are a sensitive and caring person. And in the end you will be able to look back and hold your head up high because you have done the right things and been the better person.

You hang in there my friend. How is school going? How is your physical and mental health?

[C74]

Hi Summer Rose,

Thank you so much for sharing your life experience with me. It’s inspiring to know that moving past all this in the future is possible, and I hope I can follow on in your footsteps. In some ways, I reckon living under the consequences of my parents' emotions are helping me grow as a person; one day, I really hope to be able to support others that are going through the same things I'm going through now. I'd like to believe that every cloud has a silver lining and I really am trying my best to stay positive.

Anyways, dreary life update: I’m still incredibly stressed out regarding school. Our HSC timetable recently came out, and sure, my heart sinks just thinking about it. But that’s only a very small part of my worries.

Parent-teacher interviews are coming up, and I just know one of my teachers really won’t have a single good thing to say about me. I just know my parents are going to punish me horribly afterwards, and I am so, so afraid, I don’t know what to do with myself. If she brings up my last test results, I’m in big trouble, because my parents have such a hard time moving past how badly I did. Should I speak to my teacher about it? If so, what should I tell/ask her? I feel so ashamed to have to speak to her about a thing such as this… I’m sure she’d understand, but how can I approach this? Please help me, I really need your advice on this.

Also, what I suppose is good news: I had a meeting with my school’s careers advisor. I didn’t tell them anything that I’ve told you on this forum, yet they told me they could sense I might be having issues with my wellbeing simply through the way I was speaking about school, and that the negative impacts on my wellbeing will be my greatest enemy on my HSC journey. They then referred me to the school counsellor, so now I actually think I might actually go speak to the counsellor! Opening up to you has made me realise how accepting people can really be, and I feel more comfortable taking action and seeking help, so I really thank you for that.

Hope to hear from you soon 🙂
C74