Experiencing severe anxiety at university and am in a rut; advice is appreciated!

[claire_b]

I have had a very long running, precarious relationship with completing my university degree. In fact, at the age of 22, when most of my friends have graduated and are pursuing their careers, I find myself still in the first year of a degree that I am unsure about.

Some background: I have always really struggled with studying during highschool. Even though I have been described as highly intelligent by many of my peers and teachers, I have never seemed to be able to sit down and focus for long enough to get anything productive done, or with any kind of consistency. When it comes to knuckling down and organising myself to study, it appears that my mind becomes a mess! I will sit down to study and get distracted by a minor detail, and before I realise it, hours will have passed without me having completed anything productive. Despite this, I managed to graduate with good grades. I started a bachelor's degree in architecture, which I absolutely loved.

However, in the second semester of university, when I was 19, my mother passed away due to cancer. This is when everything started to fall apart. It seemed to me that the very foundations of my life had collapsed. All of a sudden, it appeared that I was alone to navigate the world. Nothing made sense anymore; it was as if I'd woken up one day living in a different universe. A universe that was unsafe, unpredictable and dangerous. I deferred uni for a year, after which I entered an abusive relationship that left me emotionally damaged for years. It also fragmented my relationship with my family, who were severely against my boyfriend. After this relationship ended, I started experiencing severe bouts of depression and anxiety which have only started to subside recently, four years later. Although I tried to pursue my architecture course, the place was too much of a strong reminder of previous events and ultimately, I ended up dropping out.

Last year, I started to pursue a law degree at a different university, but really struggled. My father had just left the country, leaving us to financially support ourselves. I had no parents left; emotionally, it hit me really hard. As a result I have failed many units over the years and have lost a lot of confidence. Whenever I sit down to study now, I am faced with severe anxiety and thoughts that I am an incompetent, useless failure. I am currently seeing a therapist, however would really appreciate advice from anyone who may have had similar experiences.

[Forest_Critter]

Hi Claire, welcome to the forums.

Firstly I'd just like to thank you and commend you for your honesty and bravery, not just in opening up here, but in going on as you have despite your setbacks. I too have experienced forms of abandonment from parents (not to the same level as you), but I can understand how it feels like the support you were so reliant on can drop out in an instant.

Back to what you've said: I'll do my best to give some advice, as I too find it difficult to be academically productive, and this has challenged me too for years.

My first piece of advice for productive study is a prepared routine. Identify what makes you comfortable, and what makes you feel prepared, so you can trust that there's nothing more to do than give it a go. Set this routine or equipment up every time, and enjoy having it there. An example routine like mine: I need a silent library, headphones with music at 1-2% volume, and a very specific milk drink at ice-cold temperature. Previously if I did not get these, I could not study, and my trust in myself to do that work shattered. Overtime, this changed, and I required less to find this level of comfort and trust in myself.

So that was number 1 (identify what you need for comfort, and prepare). Number 2 is accept that even though this is difficult, the pressure you put on yourself is not proportionate to what you need to do. I was distressed over getting X amount of reading done, when all I really needed to stress about was starting to read at all. Once I accepted that the task was smaller - not reading a 60page chapter, but just beginning to read - I found there to be less pressure over time to study, and I was able to get into more easily as well.

My last piece of advice is back yourself. This is difficult; it's a trained and practiced way of thinking, but it's important. Accept yourself as a smart, capable, and courageous person. I can say now no one was lying in saying you're intelligent. I can see from your writing, and the way you've structured your message, that you think rationally and critically. So if you want some reinforcement for thinking of yourself this way, take it from me: you got this smarty.

Other than that, you're on the right track. From what you've described, there's no surprise that sometimes things are rough. But you're doing the right things: getting help, working on it, and caring about yourself. With that, I have no doubt you'll get through just fine.

Best,

- FC

[MsPurple]

Hi clair and welcome to the forums

FC has given some great suggestions so I'll try hard not to double up but appologies if I do.

It sounds like you have had a lot of things happen to you in the last few years. Your mum, abusive relationship and your dad leaving the country. This could be enough to overwhelm anyone let alone someone trying to complete uni and financially support themselves in the process.

One thing I really suggest you doing is seeing a gp and getting a mental health plan completed. I'd book a long appointment with a gp. Doing this is just needed so you can get 6-10 psychology sessions subserdised by medicare (otherwise you'd have to pay for it all yourself). Now you are 22 so you could also consider going to headspace. It is a youth mental health service that is a free/low cost service. I'd look up to see if there is one near you. If not they have an online service you could use. Another option is to see your Universities psychology services.

Now a thing I didn't know about until my last year of university was about disability services. They help students with physical disabilities as well as those with mental health issues. I joined up with my local universities disability services. They can help you with making an academic plan that suits you and your needs, can allow you to get extensions, extra time in exams etc (note it is different for different people and based on disability and requirements.). Your lecturers will not know why you have joined disability services but they know you are with them, it is up to you if you want to disclose you have a mental illness (they may think you joined because you have diabetes etc). It is something I suggest you look into as it gives you a safety net. Give them a call and they'll let you know what paperwork you need to fill out to join.

I hope this is helpful. I myself went to headspace and was a member of disability services so if you have any questions I'd be more than happy to answer

[claire_b]

Hi FC, your response has been so incredibly helpful, so thank you for that. (:

I have been putting into practise two of the above suggestions, although sometimes self-affirmations can feel self-indulgent and foolish. In fact I stayed far away from it until I read Brene Brown's work on self compassion and vulnerability. It may just be something you just have to learn to do.

I think you've hit the nail on the head about the most important thing being simply starting. It's funny how even though we have never completed any task all at once - it is always a series of methodical steps, as well as overcoming innumerable setbacks - when we try to visualise ourselves doing anything we imagine ourselves magically completing tasks in bulk. Unrealistic imaginings like these really do create a lot of needless frustration, stress and anxiety as we compare ourselves to our "ideal" selves.

Ms Purple, thank you, I will make sure to take a look at what services the disability services can provide. I have actually been using Headspace for a while now, and am on a mental health care plan (thank god for subsidised psych sessions!).

Thanks all