Confused and hopeless

[DC27]

Hi there to whoever reads this,

I have never really done this Im nervous to ask for advice and for thoughts on an issue that is plaguing my everyday life and affecting my mental health and has done for a long period of time.

I am 25 and have never been in a committed relationship with a girl and am trying to meet someone I can have a connection with like I haven't had before and have someone I can spend time with, get to know and just have by my side. My mental state over the last 12 months has been one of confusions, depression and just generally all over the place largely because of this lonely feeling I have which is caused by these dating issues. I am generally just a pretty normal guy, probably more of an introvert at first until I am comfortable. I feel this is too boring to keep a girl interested. I am not a larger than life character and hugely extroverted and I feel pressure that I need to be this way.

I feel beat down and out of hope with all the rejection and times I get in the friend zone when I encounter a dating experience. Typically it feels like I can't seem to spark enough interest in a girl to go beyond a second date as this is usually the time where they either disappear without word of warning or I yet again get the "your nice but..." type of speech. I met someone at the start of this year who I really hit it off with and felt the tide was turning and I was told just out of the blue I am just a friend when her actions were the complete opposite. I have found that situation particularly hard to let go as I feel I did something to lose this opportunity and it has plagued me ever since with feelings of regret. This girl was very well suited to me and it feels since then I am just falling flat on my face everytime and each time I think of that situation and it makes it worse.

I know I am still young and should enjoy myself and it will happen when it happens but I feel incredible pressure from friends, family etc to make this happen. I want someone who understands me and actually enjoys being with me but I feel I can't be myself as its not interesting enough.

I just feel more and more alone that I have never had someone and there is really no sign at all where this is going to happen as I have been throwing myself out there and I am now at a point where I am turned off because I feel like I've either already met that person and stuffed it up or I won't meet that person because I am not enough for anyone to stay interested.

Thanks

[chadicha]

Hey, thank you so much for sharing this intimate detail of your life. I am truly inspired by your hopeful and enduring spirit. Rejections are so disheartening, but it is not the end-all-be-all. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, it is only that the right woman hasn't come into your life yet and usually the time is not when you are looking for it. This pressure from your family/friends is overwhelming, but don't let it consume you- you are in no control of who enters your life and who doesn't, so you are allowed to release this expectation of time and dating. What if you just happened to meet your dream woman at 32? Because what is meant to be for you, will be yours. Please don't give in to your ruminative thoughts. These are anchored in past hurts and it can make it harder for to release past pains and rejections that ultimately are impacting your confidence in the present/interactions now.

Maybe rather than dating and feeling the pressure to find someone, maybe use this time in your life to grow closer to yourself or begin a new venture, add a new dimension to your life or hobby that genuinely excites you and fills you with happiness and to heal inside. And who knows.. you may just bump into an amazing woman by doing this.

If it is the right girl you will never ever feel like you 'stuffed up' with her- she clearly just wasn't the one for you, no matter how suitable or good you perceive her to be. The right woman will enter your life and you will feel comfortable to be your authentic self, you will feel understood, loved and appreciated. You are worth so much more than feeling undesired or not good enough- because you are and the right woman will see you as all of her ideal qualities and she will value you for who you are inside. Please don't lose hope, you are an amazing, loving and strong man, keep the faith.

[Petal22]

Hi DC27,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

Maybe the people you have dated just aren’t the correct people for you!

Maybe it’s a blessing, when you meet the right person it will be right and you will be grateful that the ones before didn’t work out.

I understand it’s hard feeling lonely… but just keep being you .. the correct person will come your way.. patience is the key..

I know people who didn’t meet until their 30 s and are now happily married with children.

Whats meant for you won’t pass you by 😊

[DC27]

Hi chadicha

Thanks for replying and for your kind words of support and advice I appreciate it.

im struggling to really let go of that situation, doesn’t help she lives basically at the end of the street so during lockdowns we have run into each other a number of times on walks…it is never awkward and in a stupid way because of that it just flares my thinking up again trying to work out what went wrong as pathetic as it sounds.

I feel this struggle inside me that I need to be more of a loud or flambuoyant character to keep someone interested as I feel like just being normal makes them bored of me quickly and makes me uninteresting. I’m surrounded by a group that act like “alpha males” and I am the more introverted one out of my friends and just have my own style but just feels this way is wrong.

im not really sure what to do with myself at the moment as I’m worn out, lack energy to do anything and just about at the edge with dating in particular although my ambition is to find someone to share my life with.

I realise that getting a partner won’t just solve other issues I have but it will relax a lot of things I worry about I guess.

having never had a relationship at 25 I feel strange and like it’s weird, I’m not the type to have gone through a lot of women casually either whereas those around me are.

ive also never had someone I have liked reciprocate the feeling so after a while it just wears you down I guess

thanks again

DC27

[DC27]

Hi Petal22

Thanks for your advice and encouragement

I’m just overwhelmed with a lack of hope and pressure with no real end in sight

Im finding it a real struggle to relax about this at the moment which is affecting my general mental well-being as well

[chadicha]

I truly understand how you are feeling; it must feel relentless and burdening to have to be reminded of her while your going about your daily life. I believe this season in your life will help build your emotional strength, which you clearly already have. I would say something that has helped me in similar situations, is rather than focusing on the sense of rejection from the relationship with this girl- try to shift it to one of appreciation in the connection. You were able to connect, admire and learn about her just as she was with you, without the heaviness of rejection around dating expectations. The experience of connection is truly beautiful, even if a relationship is not always the outcome. I feel this may help you with your feelings within to shift to ones of gratefulness and may assist you in letting go. No matter what, you are so valuable as who you are inside. Being an 'alpha' male is not desirable for meaningful, long-term relationships and the right woman will value your more calm, collected and stable traits which is very attractive for many women. You are priceless and will be for the right person, I believe in you, you got this.

[DC27]

Hi chadicha

Thanks for your kind words again, I am glad you think I have emotional strength as I really don't think I do given how hard this has been for me to block out.

I think with that situation in particular things have seemed to pop up intermittently since it "ended" which makes it feel like it's just always there. Part of me stupidly thinks maybe one day things might align as it never really sat comfortably with me how abrupt the situation arose and I feel pretty pathetic for thinking this way to be honest.

I found myself struggling and confused as to how I am perceived a lot in social interactions because I am a more reserved character and just feels like no one understands this is not shyness, maybe initially to a degree it is but after I "warm up" I am just not a loud person or overtly animated just feels like I'm thrown in the "boring" basket straight away. I feel I am completely misunderstood and not given a chance.

I want to meet people but my attitude to this has gone down the drain to be honest pretty much since lockdown ended which should of been a time where I am energised to get out and about but I am the complete opposite. I am also turned off pursuing things with people because I have no real sense of hope that I won't just be classed just as a "nice guy" or a "friend".

This vicious cycle of thought going through my head makes matters 10x worse as well

[chadicha]

Hey, you have demonstrated so much emotional strength just by enduring this hard situation! It can be very hard when you feel categorised and misunderstood when dating, but the right person may also feel the same about themselves also! Feeling defeated in social situations for fear of being classed a certain way is quite common too, but truly the right girl you meet will not do this! If theres any hope I can give to you in this situation, is think of your future spouse who may be currently feeling the exact same emotions as you are in relation to dating, and keep the hope and faith strong. One day can change everything, you will get through this.