Compulsive lying - support, advice etc?

[xerxes]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here. I've been wanting to reach out and talk about this for a long time, so I'm going to be honest and get everything off my chest -

I am a compulsive liar, and I have been since I was a child, although I can't remember exactly when this began. I grew up in a conservative religious environment where lying was almost necessary to keep myself out of trouble, but at some point it escalated into my lying simply out of habit. My parents were also (and continue to be) emotionally abusive with narcissistic tendencies - I've never been close to them, and as I've grown up our relationship has only worsened. I've struggled with mental health issues in the past, to which they responded negatively and didn't provide any support (their attitude was that any issues I had were my own fault, and their solution was either to ignore it or to pray).

So that's a little bit of background - back to my lying problem. I first encountered the term 'compulsive lying' about 4-5 years ago, and I knew immediately that it applied to me. My lies as a child and teenager were largely about myself/my life, and designed to make me seem like a more interesting and likeable person. I lied to my friends all through school about trivial things; what I did on the weekends/holidays, my life outside of school, my family. I exaggerated or made up stories for the same reasons. I was always conscious of my lies and never confused them with the truth. My high school friends never caught me in the act, so I never addressed the problem, and when I moved cities for uni I was hoping that I could leave that part of my life behind me.

But the real problems started then. When I began uni and made friends in this new city where nobody knew me/my past, I was swept up by my compulsive lying again. I lied about my parents' ethnicities, about where I was born, about my siblings (going so far as inventing another elder brother when I really only have one) etc. I got into a romantic relationship not long after moving, this person was fed the same lies that all my friends heard, and now we're talking seriously about marriage! I've never been caught in the act, my partner/friends think highly of me and have never suspected a thing, but I know the truth - I've always been able to separate my lies from my reality. It's eating me inside because I desperately want honest relationships with people, without destroying those I already have and love dearly. Please help! I feel so alone

[geoff]

Hello Taylahellen, and a warm welcome to the forums.

The truth can be told by people in a different way, in the way their personality wants to express it or what they feel is acceptable or how they think people want to hear it so as not to get a bad reaction, maybe this is done by telling 'white lies', I know I've done this on more occasions than I can remember.

I'm pleased you're seeing a psychologist because teaching someone what will happen in a situation when you lie compared to when you tell the truth is a vast difference.

Lies are found out by other people wanting to tell and rectify the situation by telling the truth and by not being honest will make you further from what you want and will likely prevent you from getting what you want in life.

Truth is courage and strength.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[busytraffic]

Hello, I came here looking for help

I am a young teenager and I desperately need help, I have been compulsively lying for years now and I have no clue how to stop it. It first started in 3rd grade and I have been lying about horrible things ever since. Mental illnesses, Family issues, Even death. I know it’s a horrible thing but it’s so hard for me to stop. I think I just want attention or possibly even approval? I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I really want honest relationships with my friends and family without me lying every second. I haven’t told anyone about this for the past 7 years. I really need help.

[Sophie_M]

Hi busytraffic,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here. We are sorry to hear that things have been so difficult for you, it takes a lot of courage to reach out and we're so glad that you have. You also never know who will read this post and feel less alone in their own experiences. 

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. 

[Croix]

Dear Busytraffic~

I guess the fist thing ot say is to welcome you here. I'm glad you have already met Sophie_M who gives pretty good advice.

Look, I would image you feel you have boxed yourself into a corner and that there is no way out. You'd be wrong.

It is true you do have two problems to deal with , but neither is as frightening or hopeless as you might feel.

The first is to seek help. Lying all the time might have started to get around a difficult situation or feelings, and you find it worked and did it again ... and so on. It ends up a habit or addiction where you lie for no real reason other than you just do it anyway.

You can, with help, turn that right around until you are a person who's word can be relied upon. Sophie has suggested one site - our own 24/7 Help Line and web-chat. I'd offer another one I have great faith in, the Kids Help Line.

Not only are they on the phone 24/7 (1800 55 1800) with skilled and understanding warm people who are used to such things but they also have web chat 24/7 too in case you do not feel like actually talking out loud

https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

The other problem is unraveling the tales you have told others, and that too is not as bad as you might think. You would be surprised at the number of people that are understanding, some even sympathetic or have done it themselves.

So please don't stress, it can be sorted OK.

I'd like it if you came to say how you are getting on.

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Busytraffic, youngsters lie for a reason and it develops over a period of time for specific reasons and if they can get away with it then becomes a daily habit.

It could be to cover up any behaviour that's not accepted or to promote themselves in a better light, that's not for us to decide, the trouble is losing friends you thought you once had because they can never trust what you have said.

If you turn the situation around and your friends keep lying to you then who can you trust and perform what they have said, then who's going to be embarrassed and would you believe them anymore.

Admiration and respect can still be obtained by family/friends when the truth is known even though it didn't go as planned, it doesn't make you any less of a person, it makes a stronger person of you.

Hope you can continue this thread because we want to help you.

Geoff.