Hi Big ManX
I feel for you so deeply as you express your overwhelming frustration and desperation. It is so incredibly intense. I'm so glad you came here to vent it as you look for the way beyond it.
Through personal experience, I've found that when I can no longer tolerate a life that has become intolerable, this is exactly when all the sh*t comes to the surface. Kind of like you can't work through the sh*t without it surfacing first. You can bury it, you can numb it through drugs and/or alcohol, you can even convince yourself you've got a handle on it but, at the end of the day, it surfaces one way or another. The question comes down to 'What do I do when it begins to seriously surface?'. You've already taken the first step. The first step is to look for some form of recognition and guidance. If you consider 'I have no one to guide me through the process of what to do when sh*t surfaces', beginning the search for the most constructive guidance is key.
Personally, I've found you can begin to look around for guidance and actually find that not only are the people around you somewhat useless in certain ways, when it comes to carefully guiding you through such a mind altering life changing process, but they can actually be depressing in some ways without you necessarily realising. Give you an example. If you're a sensitive person, you may find people saying depressing degrading stuff like 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up'. Sound familiar? Inspiration, in my opinion, sounds more like 'Okay, you're super sensitive, this is good. Being super sensitive, you'll be able to get a clear sense or a feel for who's depressing and who's inspiring. You'll be able to actually feel it'. Steer clear of the ones you feel bringing you down and seek guidance from those who you can feel making some positive difference. That depressing feeling is like a 'boot to the chest' feeling when you're already down. You could say it's kind of like your heart's aching, that kind of feeling. Steer well clear of boots to the chest kind of people.
Big ManX, as you now begin to wade through all the sh*t, I'll endeavor to flip perspective. What if you are the normal one who's been dealing with the abnormal behaviour of people for most of your life? What if sensitive is the healthy norm, would you try to numb yourself from all those who are abnormally insensitive? What if you began to look for a healthy norm, often to be found in those who feel our pain and our challenges?
