Hi everyone!
I'm new here but I just really needed to get this off my chest. I am 17 years old turning 18 in December and I want to try and stop my compulsive lying habit before it gets really out of hand!! Before I discuss that further I want to tell you a little about me. I suffer from high levels of anxiety. (leading to me trembling and having slight panic attacks) I also experience a roller coaster of different emotions. Sometimes I am happy other times I am in complete lows. I also was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was in year 2 (high functioning) and I struggle fitting in at school. I only have 1 friend and I just can't seem to connect with people my age. Lastly, I was in foster care for the first three years of my life (because my birth parents chose drugs over me) and so that is why I have developed trust issues and anxiety.
Ever since I could remember I would lie about the smallest of things. I would do this to get myself out of trouble, or because I was ashamed and wanted to make my parents proud. So I would just lie and because of this I have become so good at lying that I don't even think when I do it. It comes so naturally to me and it makes me feel fake and guilty. Now days I still lie to get me out of trouble, however I am usually caught anyway. And when I am in public I also act like someone I am not, because I hate myself and want to look like a better person to others.
Because of my constant lying I have fractured my relationship with my adoptive parents and they can't trust me, when all I want is to make them proud. I feel like such a bad child and such a waste of space. I constantly remind myself of the happiness my family would have had if I wasn't there. And I really don't want to become a person like my birth parents, but sometimes I feel so dark and empty that I feel like I am a really bad person. I also get really angry at myself for the horrible lies I tell to the only people in the world that truly care for me.
I just wish I could be a better person.
Sorry for my rant and I hope you are all going well. I just feel so alone because of all the lies that I'm left with no one. ♥xx ♥
