Choosing where to live dilemma/ feel stuck

[amc24]

Hi, for some context I'm 15 🙂 Last yr I went to UK and I miss it so much- I've looked into every way to get back there and I'm left with only one way- moving there permanently on my own to live with the family I have over there. One one hand I really want to- I can imagine myself there and what life would be like but then I'm also conflicted because I don't want my grades to drop due to changing my curriculum/ grading system, missing my parents or not making any friends/ getting made fun of- being the new kid, especially with an accent sounds really scary but then I suddenly think 'i'll adapt and work really hard, I'll be fine and make friends it's not hard'. I have a British Citizenship and as long as someone would be okay with me living with them it would be doable I'm just still not sure if I want to or not. I don't want to create a rift between me and my parents but I could become super close with my family over there. I really can visualize it but it's all about the light I put it in- It's okay and Im living a cool, average life over there or I miss my parents and living with someone who's not them makes it hard because it's not as easy to tell someone who's not your parents personal things/ health things, ect I'm so torn. It'll either be a really good decision or have a very negative impact on my life and there's no turning back on which ever decision I make. I've looked into all the details and stuff sp I know all that stuff like schools. I tried talking to my cousin (possible accommodation) but it didn't get that far- she's so busy. All I think about is being there and I don't want to have to wait until I graduate but is this the best way to do it? I feel good about it but then I think it's a terrible idea. I want to be more clear on it before I talk to my parents- I'm not sure if I should even bother, especially if I don't know for sure. Someone asked if I was running away from something but besides my dislike of Australia I have nothing to run away from- my school life could be a little better but it's okay for now. The idea of graduating from there makes me sad but then if I moved would I graduate with as good a grades- the grades I get there could make it easier to get into Uni there tho (which is already my current plan). I'm just really torn if anyone has any insight on how it could be negative or positive or affect my relationships with people (family) or anything else helpful it would be really appreciated thanks 🙂

[PamelaR]

Hi Amc24 and welcome to Beyond Blue

It's good to see you've found your way here. Our community is very caring, friendly, non judgemental and supportive. Many of us have different ways of dealing with our mental health issues so you may get some different answers.

Life at 15 can be a very confusing time. Everything is changing, your body, your mind, the things happening around you. I found at that age, I really didn't know what I wanted. It was also an era when I had little choice because I was female, young and had strict parents.

You talk about missing the UK. What is it that you miss that you don't get here in Australia? And what is it that you don't like about Australia?

I guess my thoughts asking these questions of yourself may help you to think through your motives for moving. It will give you added support when it comes time to talk with your family and friends.

It's hard to know whether your family will react negatively or positively. I would say it depends on the current relationship you have with them. For example are you close? Are you the only child? Do you do lots of family things together? Maybe think through some of these. What I can say is - I'm sure your parents would want to be confident of - where you were staying, who you were staying with, what school you were going to. That's all the risk and safety issues. Then of course there is the love they would have for you. Can it stand the distance? With sKYPE and other online face to face chat programs it's not such a big issue I would have though. So you could still talk to them about those personal things that cause you anxiety or depression.

I don't have children so I can't really say much more. But there are many parents who post here that I'm sure will give you their views about having their child go overseas to live at 15.

Not sure how much this has helped you amc.

Keep reaching out if and when you want to.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[amc24]

Hi PamelaR thank you for replying 🙂 I really miss the Uk because I’d the weather, culture and things like option of stores as well as my extenddd family there. Whereas in Australia don’t like the weather and besides my immediate family I don’t really like my family here. I feel like there isn’t much option either. I have a pretty good relationship with my parents so I wouldn’t want to break it. Yeah I’ve thought about things like Skype I’m just worried I’ll need to be able to like hug them and stuff you know? Like i might need them to physically be there for me as well but then again I might not. I have a little brother (he’s 13). I tried writing down my motives for moving but my motives for not moving also kind of opposed it just as equally. That didn’t make much sense but it’s like there was as much reason for moving as there reasons for not moving. Thanks again for replying 🙂

[PamelaR]

Hi Amc

Since you're the huggy person like me, then my thoughts are - if you need that while you are going through the finals at school then maybe it might be wiser to stay here. To be honest, you can't down play how important those hugs can be, especially when you're going through finals at school. It can be make you feel so much better. Help to get you over the last hurdles.

Maybe your thoughts of the UK are more like - the grass being greener over there. When, in fact, the grass is really good here. I say this because you talk about having to make friends. I expect you have a network of friends here who you spend time with. Maybe these friends can make up for your not so immediate family? Not sure of your cultural background so it's unclear how important extended family is for you.

I know you want to have things all sorted in your head before talking with your parents, though my gut feeling is, these are the conversations I would be having with them. Do you think you could that without them trying to take control?

Kind regards

PamelaR

[amc24]

Hey yeah like my family would hug me too/ be there for me, ect I’m just scared I’ll need my parents more than I think. Everyone keeps saying the grass is greener but I’ve thought through what hurdles and bad aspects of life that I would face being there as well so it’s not like I’m fantasising. But I am also sick of looking at things and hating them like Australian landscape or seeing grey clouds like right now and thinking of England because it’s cloudy there a lot. Yes I could make really good friends- I have friends here but I really only find friends half way through term four of this year so I can feel really detatched. I feel like that now. My cultural background is just English and Australian but they still mean a lot to me. I see what you mean about going into that conversation with them because then they could help me decide what I really want.

[jess334]

Hi Amc,

I tried to post a longer reply but it must have disappeared into the cosmic cloud.

I am wondering if you have considered a student exchange program? You could go and live and study in the UK with another family for a while.

It might give you an opportunity to 'test' living without your parents nearby. Plus you don't have to interrupt your schooling.

I moved to the UK for a year when I was 19 and although I am very close to my mum, I found that with skype and email we still corresponded a lot. It was a great experience and definitely would do it again if I was younger!

Kind thoughts, Jess

[amc24]

Hi jess 🙂 I looked into a student exchange and I was really excited to try it but it was too expensive. That would be a really great thing to do though because it wouldn’t interrupt my schooling. Do you still live in England or did you move back? I was just thinking about how maybe getting GCSE results might make my life easier there instead of an ATAR result! It’s good to hear you say that Skype, ect helped do you think you wouldn’t coped or missed your parents more if you’d gone when you were younger? Also what did people think of your accent and stuff? Sorry I have so many questions 🙂 thanks for replying to my post

[jess334]

Hi Amc,

That's a shame that it costs so much. Are there any scholarship options you can work towards?

I only lived there for a year, so I'm back in Australia now. I'm much more of a hot weather person so it was freezing for me! But I did like how close it was to so many other countries. It made travel really easy.

I don't know how I would have coped if I had moved there when I was younger. Like you I have a lot of distant relatives over there. I stayed with a few of them and it was comforting to be with family, even if I hadn't met them before.

People over there are very used to Australian accents. So many Aussies go over there, it really isn't even remarked on. If people do notice then they are usually interested in Australia, so will probably ask you lots of questions about kangaroos and stuff!

I'm not sure how their universities go re ATARS, but I do know that our uni degrees are a very similar standard. Maybe you can contact some of their universities and found out?

My sister actually went for a Softball scholarship in the USA after she finished high school in Australia and it was pretty easy to convert her ATAR into their system. I imagine it would be the same for the UK.

Happy to answer any questions I can. 😊

Jess

[amc24]

Hey. Yeah the scholarships were only toward the 6 month + trips so they ended up being around the same price as the shorter one I had originally looked into 😕I was just worried about people teasing me or finding me annoying- you know high school stuff. That family stuff good and I’ve met the family I have over there too. This might be far fetched but would you move or wait? That softball thing sounds cool- My parents almost moved to Canada before I was born which is kind of like America. It’s just right now all I can see are temporary things. I know plans change but I do plan on living in the Uk whenever I do move whether it’s now or at the end of school so the people I’m friends with now are just temporary for the next 3 years- sometimes I feel so seperate from them anyway and then I’ll make some friends in university but they’ll all be new friends and who knows if we’ll be in contact afterwards. That doesn’t sound right but it’s like I’ve never really had a solid friendship and I’ll never plan to go to uni with my friends because I have very different plans, I won’t have someone I’ve known all through school or for a really long time- at least that’s how it’s feels now. Thanks for answering my questions

[jess334]

Hi Amc,

I probably wouldn't have moved while I was in high school. I don't think my mum would have let me and to be honest I was not that brave!

Don't stress too much about how permanent friendships are going to be. When I was in school I moved schools 8 times, basically every 2 years. My best and oldest friend I only lived in the same state with her for 2 years back when I was 13. She has since moved to Spain, and we are still good friends. We just don't live near each other.

Also, people in their 20s travel a lot, so some of your friends now might end up visiting when you move, or moving themselves later in life.

I know it's hard to imagine at 15, but waiting another few years to move really won't affect your future all that much. I would try and talk to your parents about it because they might have very specific views on it.

Kind thoughts, Jess