Can't forget about someone

[Deltius]

Hello again!!

There was a person that I recently elected to space myself from for the betterment of both our wellbeing as we are toxic to each other. Sadly though, it pained me a lot to do it and I can't get them out of my head, they always pop up and I think I developed feelings for them. It's been over a week since I sent the apology letter on discord and she said she was busy over the next few days and will make a proper response when she can but she did "really appreciate" the letter.

Sadly she just seems fully intertwined in my mind and I can not get rid of her, I suppose it does not help that I don't have others to make new memories with. I have started to try and start working on myself so I actually contribute to people in some way which is acting as a good distraction but the fact she keeps popping up makes things harder. Maybe it is also because I am waiting on a response that seems like it will never come IDK.

Anyway, so any tips to move on from people that meant everything to you for the last 3 years even though it was a terrible toxic relationship?

[james1]

Hey Deltius,

Umm, I guess if I was to be really forthright: can you create the space yourself by removing them from your discord and other social media? I know it may feel rude or a bit of a step too far, but if you did not have a healthy relationship with this person and you wanted to create space as a result, are you benefiting from keeping them at a distance but still in sight?

By the way, I don't mean that as a leading question at all. I still live with my ex as friends so I do believe that some things can work, but it sounds like you have a negative view of your relationship with this person. Please do let me know if that's not right.

Otherwise, if you want to keep them in your life but just needed to be out of the relationship and ideally more distant (but still reachable), I think distractions and time is really the main answer. It's tough and can take a while, especially since she meant so much to you for three years, but there's little we can do to short-cut those emotional bonds we've created with a person in our own minds. As you say, without someone else to form new memories with, the best we can do is work on ourselves and basically plug the holes in our identity so they don't feel so painful.

Making new friends or reconnecting with old friends can help too, but the gist of it all is really to fill in the space and time until you one day wake up and realise you haven't thought about the old person for a week. And I can tell you, that's a pretty nice thought when it comes up!

Until then, it sounds like you have the right idea already. I'm sorry I don't have much more to really add that is helpful. Creating space from someone we care about is really painful and I wish there were a faster way to get through it, but I believe the best solution often comes in the form of hanging out with friends and finding ways to take your mind off things.

If you find it helpful, you can let us know how you are going or feel free to tell me how wrong I am, lol 🙂 I would also love to find a quicker way when I get into these kinds of problems!

Take care for now. I hope you get a response that gives you a bit of closure to move on, but generally I hope you can find ways to keep the distraction up and enjoy the other aspects of life!

James

[geoff]

Hello Deltius, if you keep remembering about a person but the relationship was toxic, then anger and/or disappointment can linger on for a few days but eventually, you realise that nothing would ever change because there was too much you disagreed with and even if you liked them so much it may not be reciprocal, so she will move on and even though she appreciated the letter you may not get a response back from her.

Don't wait to hear back from her as soon as you meet another person, she will be forgotten.

Geoff.

[Deltius]

Your information is sort of useful, it's definitely still more of a hope that after a year she will be more mature and I will be more together so we might be able to friends again, the trouble is I have lost everything, I don't have any friends left it's all gone it all happened at the beginning of last month, I am along and literally have zero connections nor do I have the means to make more connections. It's extremely painful she still appears in my brain at least once a day, I wake up and will immediately think of her.

Regarding Geoff's comment, I am trying not to wait but it does enter my mind that she hasn't replied, did she forget? Does she really just not care about the last 3 years at all? Is this secretly what she wanted to avoid feeling bad about terminating the relationship? It doesn't feel good because not only is it yet another time that she has seemingly lied but it really points out that despite everything I have done it was all worthless. Not to mention sending that letter, literally felt like stabbing pain and had an anxiety attack from it.

[james1]

Hey Deltius,

I'm sad to hear you've lost everything and don't really have any friends or connections. That's really tough, and I can understand it may be contributing to your holding onto this hope. I don't think there's anything wrong with hoping that things will come good, but it is just a hope in the end.

How has this last week been for you? I'm sorry I wasn't able to log on and see how you were going - it's been a bit of a crazy week as I've been trying to work out a potential move (again!).

You said in your post that you don't have the means to make more connections. What do you mean by that? I can hear that you're really alone and it sounds like some more connections could be really helpful for you in the long run.

James