Bullying housemates, Loneliness and Losing Friends in a New City
This is my first post here, my name is Laura and I am a 23year old studying at uni who comes across as this bubbly, happy person but most nights/most days lately (as in the past 8 months) I have been feeling more and more drained, anxious and depressed to the point where I come home and just cry in a ball on my boyfriend's lap. I have lost all of my best friends (3) over the past 2 years, each of which I have tried my utmost to stay connected with but have decided they were more destructive in my life than positive so have ultimately left myself isolated... Quick lo-down on the situation: they were all 'demanding' people who I gave my entire self to, to the point where I was exhausted and left sad/empty so I had to put my foot down and say "enough is enough" and they walked on out of my life.
Nowadays, it's not that I don't want friends, heck! I would love someone, anyone to talk to these days besides my boyfriend (whom I live with now as a result of being isolated by those people) and my toxic housemates (who despite being able to hear them say hurtful things about me through the walls I still try to be kind and friendly to) because I feel like I have so much love and attention to give to people... I want to find a special friend who I can just shower with kindness; I'd get a puppy if I could but I'm renting so that's out; but I keep meeting people who just don't seem interested or want to put effort in anymore. Everyone is always 'busy' or 'caught up' in their own worlds. I'm beginning to think maybe I'm the horrible person and I deserve to be alone and maybe I drove my friends away, but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm a good, decent person who has every right to friendship and equality, it's just disheartening... Has anyone got any advice or similar experiences?
Hi Overwhelmed92. Even though your post says you are basically happy, bubbly, almost extroverted, I get the feeling you're actually emotionally worn out from the façade of 'keeping the charade going'. You come home drained and crying. Does your bf understand your needs? You've spent so much time 'giving', but don't seem to have 'received'. It also seems you have what I would term as 'high maintenance' friends. By 'high maintenance' I mean, some people seem to need more from their friends than they're able to give. People who have little or no confidence tend to 'lean' on other people who show a bubby extroverted nature like yours. It's not a fault, but I think perhaps you need time to recharge and care for you. Is your bf a caring person, who understands your need for love? You indicated that you live an isolated life with just your bf as your sole companion. That's a sad existence. Have you and bf considered joining a social club, or dance club. I think perhaps getting out more, like a movie or dinner. If you could join some sort of club, even sports clubs where you would have a chance to meet people who are more relaxed than the ones you have been associating with. Have you also considered asking if you could have a puppy. Some landlords, even though they may initially specify 'no pets', are prepared to negotiate if you ask. I lived in a flat on the Gold Coast years ago, where there was a 'no pets' condition. I asked the agency if I would be permitted a small puppy and was told 'yes' under certain conditions. A puppy can be extremely therapeutic, perhaps if you asked, you may be pleasantly surprised. There's no harm in asking.
Welcome to the forum!
I am also a 23 year old female who is studying at uni, and I also have a supportive boyfriend 🙂
I'm really sorry to hear that you've been feeling so unhappy. If you don't mind me asking, have you been diagnosed with depression or anxiety before? Visiting your doctor is important. It's not about labelling or the diagnosis, but about finding strategies to help you better deal with the overwhelming emotions. Losing those friends must have been hard, but it sounds as though they really were taking advantage of your kind nature. It's a shame. Thankfully, there are still many people who are not like this.
I have three close female friends, but two of them have now moved interstate. One is the only friend I still have from high school ( I isolated myself in my late teens when I had a severe bout of mental illness), and the other girl I have known since lower primary school! The other close friend lives in my city, but might be moving back to where her family is overseas, halfway through this year.
Putting your foot down and not tolerating ill-treatment from those girls was strong and brave of you. You seem very kind and compassionate, so you will be able to meet like-minded people and make friends in the future. It's hard right now to do so because of the anxiety and unhappiness you're going through. I didn't socialise with anyone except my best/oldest friend until the start of last year. She introduced me to a new group of people who are friends with her (now ex) boyfriend. I'm still part of their social group (even though my best friend broke up with her boyfriend and moved) because I started dating one of the guys last year. He is now my boyfriend of 11 months! 🙂 Until the start of last year, I didn't see myself making friends anytime soon. I recovered from my bout of mental illness before meeting my friends, which helped me open myself up to the friendships. This is not to say that friends can't be made while going through emotional challenges. It's just that it's more emotionally complex.
Seeing your doctor about your mental and emotional health is crucial. You are very fortunate to have a boyfriend who cares about you (and you deserve this)! Remind him how much you appreciate him, and ask him things about his dreams, wishes and goals, so that he knows you think he's special.