At a loss.. despression and binge eating

[erin89]

Hi all.

I have decided to join BeyondBlue as I desperately feel like I need to connect with other people who are going through similar difficulties to me. Maybe I will find the support and advice I have been searching for.

I am 24 years old. I have been battling eating disorders since I was about 16. As a child my family moved to Italy. In highschool I tried to get thinner and fit in (Italian girls are naturally fairly slim, though very few deprive themselves of food or have eating disorders). Around 18/19 years old I developed a bulimic tendency This progressed into Binge Eating Disorder - and I went from 44kg (at my thinnest) to 65kg. At this point I was at Uni in the UK and started losing touch with who I was, who I wanted to be and those around me. I stayed in my room whenever I didn't have lessons and started ordering takeouts. I exercised less and less. I always binge watching TV shows/movies (mainly on my computer).

After Uni I moved back with my parents in Italy for a few months, developed good rhythms and started feeling mentally and physical more sane.

I then moved back to Australia to pursue my career in the theatre (I am now a freelance Stage Manager). The change seemed to jolt me out of my bad habits for a few months. However, I was living with a seclusive great-aunt I barely knew, and after a while I began isolating myself and eating in my room again. I put on what weight I had taken off.

I then started a job with a play festival which involved me working most days. I met lots of fun people, who accepted me for who I was, not knowing the fitter thinner me of the past. I became more positive and energetic, and during this festival I met an inspiring young actor who became my long-term boyfriend. I still binged every so often, and eventually confessed my secret to him. He has been incredibly supportive, and has not once accepted my attempts to push him away, fueled by my guilt at being a burden to him.

We now live together. Over the past 2 years I have become more fit and taken off a substantial amount of weight (I am now approx. 52kg). However, I cannot shake the feelings of hopelessness, worry, sadness, loneliness and worthlessness that continue to invade my life.

I still binge. Sometimes more regularly, sometimes less. I tend to stress and worry about many things - money, if I have made the right decision in my career (I deal best with my problems when I am in a healthy rhythm, which the random hours of my job rarely permits), and all the small jobs I need to do in my everyday life. I often feel lonely and experience low self esteem, as all my friends from the past are abroad and all my friends in Australia I have made through my boyfriend - none of them particularly strong friendships. I feel as if he is popular, and the person others want to hang out with. He is also very friendly with other girls (he gets on better with girls than guys) which often makes me jealous and as if there are so many better girls out there for him. I also have days when I feel uncontrollably sad and hopeless for no particular reason.

I do not know whether my eating disorders have stemmed from these feelings of depression (??) or vice verse. The depression often leads to me binging, and the binge increases my depression.

I have gone to see a therapist for my Binge Eating Disorder, and I spent a fair bit of money. Though she gave me some useful coping techniques and we explored possible causes, I do not think this helped me very much. I stopped going to the therapist after a few months.

I am at a point where I do not know what to do. I have talked extensively with my boyfriend and my parents. I have opened up to a few friends. I still do not see a way out. I cannot continue living like this, and I know that this will eventually destroy my relationship with my boyfriend, or make his life sad in a way I would hate myself for.

Can anyone relate to my story? Can anyone suggest how I should move forward?

Love to you all,

erin89

[Neil_1]

Hi Erin

Thank you for making the decision to come to Beyond Blue.  We will try our utmost to help you with advice and suggestions.

That was also a super post and comprehensive rundown of how you're travelling.

How is your boyfriend to you, especially now that he knows of your illness and the binging?  From what you've said, it does seem like he is supportive of you.

It's also brilliant that you've actually told some other friends as well.  You did mention earlier that you didn't really have too many friends here, but from way earlier, you did have a number of people where you worked who all enjoyed your company ... are these the friends that you opened up too.  It's a really good thing that you were able to do that.  I hope they have expressed to you that they will try to support you in whatever way they can.

Do you have a GP that you go too?  Is that where you found the therapist that you went too?  I really think with what you've got happening to you (and it's been going on for so long now and you've tried to do it by yourself for a long time as well) that it's time to really see if you're able to seek professional help.  If you could please get yourself to a GP and describe just as you have here (perhaps even print out your post and take along, so you don't have to relate it all again).

I hope some of the above has helped Erin ... and please stay with us and get back to us with how you're feeling.

Kind regards

Neil

[bzb]

Dear Erin,

Thank you for sharing your story. You sound like a strong, independent woman, despite what you may think. Moving away, starting your life in Australia, making new friends, these are all challenging, and you have done a wonderful job based on what you have written.

Your boyfriend sounds like a wonderful person who loves you for you. Whilst he may have female friends, he has chosen to live with you and be with you. Yes, jealousy does have a way of creeping in, but it is temporary, as he is with you.

You mentioned that you sought support and the therapist provided you with some strategies that were helpful to you. As this was for your eating, it may not have targeted depression, which as Neil suggested, may be worthwhile seeking a GP who may be able to refer you to a psychologist who may be able to offer you different support. I have suffered from depression and I found what worked for me was Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). I learnt strategies and developed tools so I replaced the negative thoughts and patterns with positive ones.

The feelings that you describe were the way I felt when I was depressed. I'm not a doctor so I am not saying that you are, I am recognising that I felt the way that you are explaining.

Firstly, I was told that I could change my depression, which made me happy, but scared me as well. Then, I attended my sessions and as I was told, I needed to take baby steps. I was like you, stressed and over analysed things. A suggestion which worked for me was to prioritse what I needed to do or make a list and number the jobs according to priority. I find this very useful. However, then I stressed because I did not complete my list, which I had to learn, was totally ok and acceptable. These jobs could wait, they weren't going anywhere. Also, one line I love and I still use is, 'Is it the end of the world?' My answer has always been 'no' which always helps. This helped my thoughts when they would spiral.

Also, I find keeping a gratitude journal is a great tool and it reminds you of the positives rather than focussing on the negatives.

I hope this is of some assistance to you. Please do let us know how you go.

Please remember that you have made great friends, you have a boyfriend who loves you, you are clearly talented in what you do, these are just a few reasons to remind yourself how special you are and worthy of love and a happy life.

Take care,

bzb