Anxiety is breaking me

[Mike450]

I've had a really rough 2 months and I'm just now starting to leave the house and go out with friends, but still in the back of my mind I get extremely upset because I obsess over who I am lately. I'm a 21 year old male and I have a few different groups of friends but I just don't know who I am, what my morals are etc. I know people can be slightly different from time to time but I always COMPARE myself to people/celebrities I just can't make a decision of who I am, like I feel like people have an understanding of who they are but I literally feel like I don't, I'm just morphing depending on who I'm around and this makes me really depressed lately like I'll never be normal, the way I act, talk, speak etc changes. I feel sick thinking about it, I know I'm really ocd/anxious and stuff but I don't know I'm just struggling really bad lately I try to ignore it and go out as much as I can while I'm feeling good lately but then when I'm all alone at night I just get upset about this. I struggled with binge eating for a long time so I spent about 2 years isolated from everyone. right now I'm inbetween jobs but about to start a security course but then I get scared because what if that's not me.  I just have no idea about myself and I use to think "Oh one day I'll figure it out" but now I'm obsessing this is a disorder and I'll be like this forever. It's so exhausting and talking to physcs and stuff about it I never really seem to get through to them what it's like.

I'm trying really hard to be here for my family but everything stresses me out, will it always be like this?

[Zeal]

Hi Mike,

I can relate to how you're feeling. Until recently, I didn't feel like I had a unique personality, and also didn't believe in myself and in my worth. I knew my morals, but that wasn't enough. I didn't know what I wanted in life until I was about 20. I am now 22, turning 23 early next year. I'm female by the way. I've had clinical OCD since I was 13, but it's manageable now. Have you been diagnosed with OCD, or do you think you have general anxiety (GAD)?

I understand feeling upset at night. I used to binge eat too. It started in Year 12 in 2010, but stopped for a while in early 2012. I developed an eating disorder and became very underweight in 2012, requiring hospitalisation for two months. I felt ashamed, so I lost contact with all friends. After I came home from hospital, I didn't start seeing friends for quite some time. Later last year I started socialising a bit again, but I still felt lonely.

This year was the turning point for me. I told my oldest and best friend late last year, who I had only just started catching up with again, that I didn't have anything to do on New Year's Eve, so she said I could come to her friend's event. I enjoyed myself, even though I was nervous at first. After that, she invited me to small group things with this friendship group she was in, who were mostly her boyfriend's friends from school. I am now a part of this group, and I really enjoy spending time with them. The guy who hosted the New Year's Eve party is now my boyfriend, and he makes me feel really happy. I never thought I would find such a great group of people or have a boyfriend that I love as much as I do, but a few fortunate choices (such as going to the New Year's Eve party), has changed things.

My little 'story' was just to say that things can improve in a positive way at any time. It's great that you are now starting to go out with friends again, and that you have friendship groups. Do you have a few closer friends you see most often? Having lots of friends is nice, but it's great to have a few friends who you can completely trust and feel relaxed and non-judged around. You may already have this - if you do, that's great!

Keep seeing your psychologist if you feel it's helping. If not, going to your GP could be beneficial. Keep close to your family, and don't be ashamed to ask for help. I wouldn't be where I am today without my family.

Good luck with everything

Best wishes,

SM

[Paul]

Hey Mike,

It took a brave guy to log on here and share your thoughts and ask for help - thanks. Talking about it even though it feels like the same story can be great for helping your mind sort things. I can only echo what SM said at the bottom of her post that if you have some close friends that you feel more comfortable with stick by them when it gets a bit tough in your mind. You may even find telling one of your trusted friends how you feel helps as well.

I'm a bit older than you guys and can really understand what you describe about not knowing who you are. I've been through a stage where I feel like I have no purpose or direction and sometimes don't even know what I feel like doing so I'll do nothing (which is something). It can get scary, it gets lonely. I'm slowly finding my way by doing things that help me feel like I belong somewhere. I also found a few hobbies that I really enjoyed that I was able to be proud of the results of. 

To start getting my purpose back I had to give in to my mind talking back about things like as you describe, comparing myself to others and defining myself. I've been practising observing what my self talk is saying and not reacting to it, but basically just letting it happen then not judge myself. An example as simple as walking along the shared bike/footpath to work and a bike rushes past. I'll often get angry because i've simply said to myself "bloody pushbike rider". Now I let that talk happen but gently correct myself "meh, it doesn't matter, it's a bike path too"

I know that's a simple example, but I hope I'm demonstrating that you may not have to be defined by what your mind tells you (Famous people etc). Sometimes you are simply who you are.

Again as SM said, if you can keep seeing your psych or try your GP or there are resources below under "Find a professional" And the Beyond Blue hotline as well.

Take care Mike, keep holding on, it will get better for you - there are people around to help when you need it.

Drop by again and let us know how you're getting on.

Paul