Anxiety and Depression

[Sezza1]

Hi I'm really new to this but I've been reading all these stories and feel the need to share mine. Okay so I'm 15 years old and just over two years ago I had my first panic attack. For the longest time I didn't know what triggered it it was at a bus party and then before I knew it I got some weird feeling and then had a panic attack. I now know that it was depersonalisation/derealisation that triggered it. Anyway after my first panic attack I would get them almost all the time and my anxiety grew bigger. I became paranoid about everything. I went into hospital at one point. I got EEG scans to see if It had anything to do with the brain. I was always trying to figure it out and deal with it on my own. And I did for about 7-8 months even though the anxiety wasn't entirely gone I was still managing, I got my first job I was finding happiness until my 5th day on my new job I almost had a panic attack I was able to calm my self down for the moment but I ended up quitting and avoiding it. I felt some relief that I didn't have to deal with being scared to go work. It's been a few weeks since then. A couple nights ago I went out with my sister we then got home and watched a show. During that moment I got a thought that I was going crazy and I wasn't going to be able to control myself when it came to harming myself and others I remember getting so anxious and panicking and going to my room, all I wanted to do was die and kill myself and the thought was so scary because I've never thought of suicide. I called my sister and told her to just hold me. As I write this I am feeling anxious, anyway ever since that day I've been so depressed. Not eating, having weird thoughts like "is life real" or "I feel trapped in life and this world" I've been so scared I'm going to harm my self, at one point I even felt like really giving up because I see no future for myself, Im not excited for anything anymore I don't even remember happiness. Almost like I don't even want the help because I just give up but my family is keeping me is so important. I'm trying to stay so strong for them. I'm trying so hard and it's over whelming. I'm seeing the school psychologist and starting to seek help outside of school. But everyday I've been having weird changes in my mood for example once second I'll have hope in myself and then one second later I just feel so low and like I want to die and I don't want to deal with it. I need a way out of this anxiety, I need to be happy again. 

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[white knight]

Hi Guest_7239,  welcome to Beyond Blue forums

Ok, I'd like to mention two words to you. Perspective and realism.

You are trying really hard, but you could be like a cars engine revving itself at full speed but its tyres are jacked up off the ground and so you go nowhere.  A ship without a rudder cant control its journey.

You are seeing a psychologist- thats great.  So what can you do to help your recovery?

Keep calm at all times. When something happens that causes you to get nervous ask yourself "am I being realistic?"  At the time you reacted you thought you were realistic but when you think about things your fantasies or imagination and emotions all work together automatically to feed your eager mind. This leads to panic. Get things into perspective. Get them into the pigeon hole in your mind that it deserves. Not to the point of highest priority.

Your first reaction to a possible panic attack is to run away from it. You did so when you left your job.  Yet had you had the wisdom and knowledge of how your mind works you might have taken a day off or the rest of the day off to recover then return to work. Just state to your boos you are unwell and go home.  First lesson- dont make rash decisions because the next day you might be a very relaxed person compared to the previous day.

There are some things some of us humans dont learn during our growth. Wisdom is one. Some mature to allow some moments before emotion sets in and decisions made. But if you react without those moments then your emotions are making those decisions automatically. 

Recovery is possible. I recovered and it took many years. The time needed doesnt matter as long as you try to move forward all the time and improve. Medication etc might be needed - thats up to the professionals. In the meantime seek relaxation classes and progressive muscle tensioning techniques (google it). that worked for me.

Finally remember that most humans grow up with some sort of issue or illness.  Yours is curable, many are not. So take that as a positive. You'll be ok. Keep telling yourself that. It's important to get that into perspective. It isnt the end of the world.

[Sezza1]

I know what you're saying, and everyone tells me it's not a quick fix. Although one day feel so long for me, how am I going to go through the rest of my life? It's like I'm stuck in this dark bubble and the happiness everyone can see I can't. I want to enjoy everything and have a purpose for life and I want to my family to see me happy. I'm doing everything I can. Meditating, exercise, trying to eat something and trying to think positive. But this low mood just comes over me randomly and I feel like everything I worked up to just went back down again and then I have to start from square one. It's getting way too much for me I don't know what's going to help and I don't want to have to rely on medication.