am I the only one who fears my dad will die after I yell at him?
when I was 7 my father who works nightshift got into a rather serious car accident. after all, I was just 7, and didn't really understand the brutal nature of what happened. when I was 8 I randomly got reminded of the fact that my father almost died and I became extremely paranoid and pedantic about making sure he knew I loved him i.e. always saying 'good night, love you' before he would leave for work. there's been many times throughout those years since then that I would bawl my eyes out if I didnt get to say goodbye and be drowned in crippling anxiety and overthinking about if he was going to die and then it'd be my fault and that I was a terrible child. im now in my late teens and am currently bawling my eyes out because I had yelled at him and then he left for work without telling me and I didnt get to say my usual farewell message. im so worried he's just going to... die... and he wouldn't know that I loved him. I kind of recognise that my feelings are a bit irrational but I also fear this so so so strongly and genuinely feel like it's all my fault as an inadequate child. is this just me? I feel broken and entirely worthless and useless and again, like an inadequate terrible child. been sobbing for ages now and my mother has been yelling at me to shut up and stop being stupid but I still feel so terrible and it's honestly only made me cry further. I really hope it isn't just me whose thoughts go wild like this. It's kinda like the case of trauma that I never confronted because I wasn't emotionally able to at the time continuously manifesting in my life, usually quite minor but at times able to entirely take me over. I feel so alone.
Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.
It is really hard to deal with some of the more intense emotions when we are young, we can tend to blow things out of proportion. That's simply because we don't have the life experience yet to realise that not everything is related to us or is our fault. I hope that makes sense to you.
I think what has happened with you is that as you got a bit older, you began to understand that your father was seriously hurt in the accident. Naturally, you don't want to lose him, so your coping mechanism became "if I say these things, everything will be alright". While that may have been helpful for you at the time, it is not necessarily helpful to you now.
Now that you are older, you no longer need that coping mechanism, it needs to be replaced with something more appropriate to the age you are now. I assure you that your father has not forgotten all the times you said "I love you" to him. It is normal for parents and teenagers to clash occasionally, it is all part of becoming an adult, testing the limits, disagreeing with each others beliefs, flexing your need to be an individual. Just because you yelled at him does not mean he believes you no longer love him.
I would like to make a suggestion. Ask your father if you can have a quiet talk with him when he has some time to do so. Then you can say something along the lines of "you know I love you don't you?" "Even when we disagree, I still love you, you do know that don't you?" I feel sure he will tell you that he does know and he loves you too. This is what is meant by unconditional love. You can love someone always, even when you sometimes feel you don't like them very much in that moment. It is important that you get that conversation out in the open with your father so you no longer have to feel worried and anxious about it.
I hope this helps and I am happy to continue this conversation if you wish.