Advice on relationship-y stuff and self-image

[Danioboy]

Hi folks!

Hope you're all doing ok.

So, I'll try to keep this relatively short (though in doing so I will leave out a bunch of the story).

About a year ago, I got friendly with this girl and developed feelings for her. I was going to ask her out, but wanted to know what my friends thought of her before I asked. Basically, no more than a week after I introduced her to my best friend he asked her out (I hadn't told him I was going to, etc.). This hurt a bunch but I kept it to myself for a long time, and I progressively got worse emotionally. Eventually I told them, which didn't really help me at all - in fact this made it worse. They were nice about it, and supportive, etc. (they were my two best friends at this stage).

Eventually, they stopped dating and she started dating another guy (who is now also one of my good friends).

I now don't know if I like her or not, I'm really confused - I guess I'll figure it out eventually - but I'm not over it by any means (though a lot better than I was).

I don't want to blame this completely, but I think it heavily influenced my poor/relatively unhealthy self-image. She is the only girl I have been this close to so I guess a part of me perceives her as a 'representation' of the female sex (which I know is not logical and is wrong in a number of ways). But anyways, I've never seen myself as anything close to society's standards of good looking, my friends are objectively much more attractive than I by these standards. This wasn't a problem before but is now.

Basically, it feels like I'm just feeling sorry for myself for not getting the girl, and I'm kinda convinced that I have no chance in the 'relationships' area due to the self-image issues (with the above story as 'evidence' of how incompetent I am in this regard).

Its a lot more complex then this, but anyway... any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated, or if you want me to clarify anything or give more details I am happy to do so.

I'll also say, recently I haven't been feeling too down, but thought it would be a good idea to talk about it.

Thanks 🙂

[Danioboy]

Hi Tim,

I don't mind at all, in fact I appreciate it!

These are some good questions. I hadn't really thought about some of them much, which I think will make it even more useful to answer them.

I'm not too sure how I feel about the appointment, I think I'm kind of nervous, mostly because I am not confident that I will be able to effectively communicate what I want to say. I had a single counselor appointment in high school and had that problem. I have prepared myself more this time so hopefully that won't be an issue.

Also I'm worried that verbalizing my problems will make them more 'real'. But that might not happen so I think it should be ok.

As for this girl, some of the reasons that I am attracted to her:

- she is smart

- I think our personalities are compatible

- I find her physically attractive, which I put less importance on, but can't deny it plays a factor

Having said all this, I haven't known her for a long time, and haven't hung out enough to know her full personality, if that makes sense.

It is kind of a difficult thing, there is a resistance somewhere in my mind and I am not sure where its coming from... I.e. a place of personal issues, past experiences, or wanting to get to know her more.

I would be okay waiting to get to know her more, but the 'friend-zone' thing is pushed in the media a lot and my past experience does not seem to corroborate with this. So waiting seems kinda, incorrect.

Thanks,

Dan

[smallwolf]

Hi. On the appointment one thing I regularly do is write down things that I want to cover. I have also shown my psychologist my mood chart. I guess I go in prepared. Sometimes though we might only get through a couple of items which is not a bad thing. And if there are things which are important and you want to go to cover them at some time, I make sure they put it on their list of things.

Not sure how it was at high school and the relationship with a counselor is special.

[Danioboy]

That's really good advice, thanks Tim.

My high school counselor experience wasn't necessarily 'bad'. It just didn't help at all because I didn't think I voiced the issues very well and he seemed to not realise the extent, I guess. I don't think that will be as much of a problem this time.