Advice on relationship-y stuff and self-image

[Danioboy]

Hi folks!

Hope you're all doing ok.

So, I'll try to keep this relatively short (though in doing so I will leave out a bunch of the story).

About a year ago, I got friendly with this girl and developed feelings for her. I was going to ask her out, but wanted to know what my friends thought of her before I asked. Basically, no more than a week after I introduced her to my best friend he asked her out (I hadn't told him I was going to, etc.). This hurt a bunch but I kept it to myself for a long time, and I progressively got worse emotionally. Eventually I told them, which didn't really help me at all - in fact this made it worse. They were nice about it, and supportive, etc. (they were my two best friends at this stage).

Eventually, they stopped dating and she started dating another guy (who is now also one of my good friends).

I now don't know if I like her or not, I'm really confused - I guess I'll figure it out eventually - but I'm not over it by any means (though a lot better than I was).

I don't want to blame this completely, but I think it heavily influenced my poor/relatively unhealthy self-image. She is the only girl I have been this close to so I guess a part of me perceives her as a 'representation' of the female sex (which I know is not logical and is wrong in a number of ways). But anyways, I've never seen myself as anything close to society's standards of good looking, my friends are objectively much more attractive than I by these standards. This wasn't a problem before but is now.

Basically, it feels like I'm just feeling sorry for myself for not getting the girl, and I'm kinda convinced that I have no chance in the 'relationships' area due to the self-image issues (with the above story as 'evidence' of how incompetent I am in this regard).

Its a lot more complex then this, but anyway... any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated, or if you want me to clarify anything or give more details I am happy to do so.

I'll also say, recently I haven't been feeling too down, but thought it would be a good idea to talk about it.

Thanks 🙂

[Aphador]

Hi Danioboy! 🙂

Welcome to the forums, and well done for having the confidence to share! Talking about problems with others is the most effective way to deal with them, in my opinion.

I'm coming at you from the other side of the tunnel- I've been through this exact situation when I was a little younger, and it sucks. And so, let me tell you that basing your self-image on one woman is not a crazy concept- in fact, it is EXTREMELY common for men to do this!

I was absolutely consumed by an attraction to a girl who did not reciprocate those feelings for three years! She was and still is an amazing girl, but I was young and not the person I am today.

Now get ready for the lecture. To beat a dead horse- you should work on yourself, and your purpose and the women will fall into place. When I was hanging around this girl, my purpose in life is the last thing I was interested in. I see now that this is what makes males attractive- a sense of direction and confidence. Trust me when I say that if you have these things in place, your physical attractiveness does not matter.

Basically, what I am saying is- that you should work on your self-image! It's important to note that this is not something that will fall into place in your life- you need to actively work on it to get better.

- Work on your physical health- go to the gym, go for running, eat healthily.
- Decide what you want to pursue in life- make steps towards achieving this goal (ie. what you might need to study, etc.)

- Pursue fun hobbies- do you play music? Do you enjoy hiking? not only are these fantastic ways to improve your self-image, but they are also great ways to meet women too 😉

There are more thing that you can do to improve poor self-esteem, which I can happily tell you, but I feel like the above items are the basics that you should choose to work on.

Please don't hesitate to ask any more questions! Having gone through what you have, I think I know how you feel. What I have told you here is a very abridged version that has taken 2 years of my life to understand. I would love to help you, so don't be afraid to reach out!

If you enjoy reading, I would highly recommend: No more Mr. Nice Guy (Dr. Robert Glover) and Awaken the Giant Within (Tony Robbins).

[cluelesscloud]

Hey,

This seems really hard and I totally get what you're talking about. I have really poor self-esteem too and I'm really insecure. Just like you feel like you aren't attractive as per societal standards, I feel the same way too!

I'd love to help you and give you advice on a few things that you've said! Firstly, you mentioned that this girl is the only girl you've been close to, as a result, you perceive her as a representation of the female sex. Whilst I do understand where you're coming from, I just want to reassure you that this isn't true! I'm a female and every girl/woman finds different guys attractive. My friends find guys attractive that sometimes I don't think are and vice versa. Therefore, if this girl didn't find you attractive or you think you aren't attractive, don't worry because you probably are 🙂

Yes, your friends did get the girl but she's one girl in a billion (cheesy, yet true) and maybe she just had a type and that type was both of your friends or maybe your friends showed more interest towards her. There are many reasons why you guys didn't end up dating but that's okay! Although you may still care about her and what she thinks of you, my advice (which you don't necessarily need to follow) is to focus on you for now and building up your self-image.

This brings me to my second piece of advice (which is hopefully helpful!), you should definitely try to build up your self-esteem. The first major way to do so is to avoid comparing yourself to others and your friends because no one is you! It's tough but once you're confident in yourself, you'll be ready to be in a relationship and you'll definitely have a chance in the 'relationships' area because trust me, girls love a guy who's confident! Self-image does take time though and no one can do it for you except yourself.

I hope this helps (sorry that it's so long!) and that you feel better, everyone struggles with their self-image though and it is always easier to focus on the negatives than the positives but it doesn't have to be that way 🙂

[Danioboy]

Awesome! I'll check those books out.

Thanks heaps

[Danioboy]

Hey, thanks heaps for getting back!

Some of that stuff I kinda knew or figured logically, but its good to reinforce it sometimes I guess, and to hear, or read, someone say it.

Just wanted to ask 1 thing, is there a way to get notified when people reply to stuff on hear? (Im new to this)

Thanks again! 🙂

[Aphador]

Hey Danioboy 🙂

I don't believe we are able to receive notifications, unfortunately. Instead, I am trying to check the forums and the 'My Threads' tab daily.

[Danioboy]

Hey Aphador,

I've been reading No More Mr. Nice Guy, and I resonate with a lot of the stuff in it.

Do you think you could be my safe person?

If not its all good and I can find someone else I don't want to force this on you, I just figured you would be ideal because you know about the content of the book. Also I thought since its anonymous it would be easier to talk about some of the stuff, I guess.

[Aphador]

Hey Danioboy!

That's awesome! It's a book that helped me out immensely. Kind of started a journey of healing for me.

For sure, I can help you out. I'll be checking this thread regularly, so post whenever!

It's essential to recognise that these forums are quite similar to the 'safe person' he is talking about. It's someone (or people) who you can talk to about these things so that you aren't going through it alone. In communicating with others, we can understand ourselves better (and in some ways, hold ourselves more accountable when necessary.

In any case, I'm excited to be able to help, and I'll do my best!

Aphador 🙂

[Danioboy]

Thanks heaps Alphador,
It means a lot.
So I guess I'll start. I'll just follow the book.
Activity 1: Done
Activity 2: (Why would it seem rational for a person to try to eliminate or hide certain things about himself and try to become something different unless there was a significant compelling reason for him to do so? Why do people try to change who they really are?)
I thought this was a really complex question with a really long answer and also that it would be different for everybody, but I kind of narrowed it down to insecurities and/or life experience as the possible causes.
Activity 3: (Childhood experiences that may have caused Nice Guy-ness. Compare to examples)
My parents are nice people, really loving and supportive. I guess you could say my Mum lives through myself and my younger brother to some degree, in a sense; by this I mean she doesn't see her friends very regularly and so she can tend to turn to my younger bro and I for 'companionship and affirmation of her worth'. More so when we were younger. My Dad is a nice man, in lots of ways I am quite like he is. My family has never been super wealthy and it wasn't uncommon, when I was younger, for Dad to have to work decently late on Weekdays and sometimes weekends to stay on top of our expenses.
My older brother is 12 years older than me (for perspective, I was 6 when he turned 18). He had/has substance abuse and anger issues. He was a tall and athletic guy, who for as long as I remember, was prone to kind of exploding sometimes unpredictably as a manipulation tactic and an attempt to feel big.
When I was a kid he used to stand over my mum and grandparents and scream in their faces and sometimes through stuff around, often in front of me and usually when Dad wasn’t around. This whole time I saw everyone (my parents and grandparents) stand up to him, and by the time I was 5 or 6 I started feeling guilty for not trying to stop him or try to redirect his rage to myself, like my mum did when he was going off at my grandparents or like Dad did when he was going off at Mum when he was around. I used to sort of… freeze.
I'm running out of characters, I'll expand on this next time.
It also says to take note of my feelings while I share, I’m not sure if Im meant to share this too, I don’t mind doing so, so I will. Kinda mostly made me feel a little sad, and guilty, but also sort of relieving in a way.

Thanks again,

Dan

[Aphador]

You're making great progress! I just listened to the audiobook again quickly to refresh my memory of the content (although it definitely is a book to be read slowly).

Firstly I'll address the end part about feelings. We relate to the world through our emotions, and often they dictate our actions (that is what they are there for). Being able to recognise how we feel about things can give us control over our actions in the future (this is a part of mindfulness). I think it is super important to talk about feelings/emotions, and would encourage you to do so. It is okay to tell people how you feel- it is a part of communication.

Activity 2: Yeah, so true! For myself, it was a misunderstanding about the world and how I should present in it. Also, a subconcious dissatisfaction with who I was as a person. Experiences in the real world triggered this recognition of dissatisfaction and my desire to change.

Activity 3: I can imagine that your mother living through you guys places stress on you to achieve well?
That sucks that your brother is like this. It's awesome that you are able to see the potential impact that this has had on you, however!

I don't want to say too much at this point, because there is so much of the book to go that can explain things better than I can! The activities in the book will build upon activity 3, as you will see soon.

Looking forward to the next entry,
Aphador 🙂