Advice for sexual assault

[gdog_96]

Hi

I have a friend who was sexually assaulted by her ex, back in February.

I can see that it's really effected her negatively, all her validation she gets is from guys giving her compliments.

What should I say to her or should say nothing at all?

I want her to report the crime, but she doesn't want to, which is understandable, due to the complications of the legal system and her conservative background.

[White_Rose]

Dear gdog

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Thank you for talking to us about your friend and for being caring about her. It's great that you want to help and support her.

It's always tricky to know what to say to anyone who has experienced trauma in this fashion but does not want to pursue any action. While it is their right to make this decision it is a worry about the effect this may have had on her. May I ask how old your friend is?

So what can you do. First of all continue to be a friend, be available when she wants to talk about the assault, if she wants to do this. Perhaps you can notice if she has changed in any way since then. For example, has she become withdrawn, started drinking or using drugs, nervous and easily startled, crying, over eating or not eating much. These may stem from the assault because of the after effects of the trauma.

If you have noticed any of these or other changes in the way she lives it can be a red flag that she is not coping well even though she puts on a happy face. Constantly looking for validation may be because she feels guilty about being assaulted and thinking it is her fault in some way. While you know she is not to blame, sometimes a person can only make sense of the event by blaming themselves.

I think the best course of action is to continue to let her talk about it without urging her to make a formal complaint to the police. Instead, get her to go to her GP and have a chat. The GP may be able to off some counselling or refer her to a counsellor experienced in these matters. As you say, the machinery of the law can be overwhelming but it will also force her to relive the matter every time she questioned. Unfortunately this process can be too hard for the victim to manage without professional support.

If your friend does get some counselling it may help her to see the assault for what it is, an act of violence against her, against her will. This may enable her to make a complaint and follow through with it. But for now I suggest you support her as best you can and urge her to see her doctor. Perhaps offer to go with her. Another way may be to suggest she write down her experience as a way of getting it out of her system but this is probably best done under the guidance of her doctor or counsellor.

Try not to push her into doing something that frightens her as this may re-traumatize her. Be her friend and affirm her as much as possible. Suggest a doctor's visit.

Mary

[Just Sara]

Welcome gdog to our caring community;

You're obviously a genuine friend and want to be there for this complex time in your friends life. So well done!

I want to emphasis we aren't professionals and can only give advice or support as observers and people who've gone thru our own stuff. I, like your friend was raped by my de facto and understand the emotional issues associated with being assaulted by someone I've loved. My GP at that time was my greatest supporter. Without his intervention I would've perished under the strain. So professional support systems are crucial.

It sounds as though your friend is avoiding her helpless feelings by focusing on men, and the good feelings (dopamine) that go with their attention. This may be part of her process, but can lead to misadventures down the track if she's not 'present' while flirting etc. While ever she's focused on those good feelings, she's failing to protect herself. This can become habitual and long term if she doesn't acknowledge it's happening. So as her friend, it might pay to ask her straight up; "Does getting attention from men make you feel better so you forget what happened?"

As friends, we tend to sympathise a lot. By being straight up and getting to the crux of her pain or avoidance's, you can help pave the way for more self protective behaviour from her; so she has some self insight in how she's reacting to her experience and find help to address this back-lash.

I wish you well in helping your friend. Keep us up to date if this helps..we're here ok?

Warm and kind thoughts...Dizzy xo

[Cornstarch]

It's an utter disgrace that a victim has to 'weigh up the options' when considering should they come forward or not. The horrible truth is that it is quite literally the perfect crime. Socially, interpersonally, and most despicably; legally!

One of my sisters oldest friends from high school has just gone through the same thing, an attempted rape by her ex-husband, and now it has been discovered he has raped his daughter. She has the added burden of sicko's that judge her situation as 'not really a sexual assault' because they were once married and consensual. Disgusting.

All sexual abuse/assaults can bring out behaviour/grief that must seem so odd to people on the outside. I can completely understand that you as her mate want her to report it. It's animal instincts isn't it. I have contacted the police in January this year although my rapist is dead because I was raped in front of his wife and son. It's completely natural that family and friends want to form a vigilante uprising and make her pay.

But what about my mental health?

It's shot.

And of course I feel like they have all won. Raped in front of an audience, I feel like they're all laughing at me.

You have given us 0.000000000000% information regarding her, her upbringing, her life and current well-being.

With such little info I'd hate to make matters worse. The courts brought my sister's high school mate to her knees.

It's the perfect crime.

I'm still weighing up my own options with the police currently.

It's an awful experience.

I wish you the best.

xxxx

[Cornstarch]

I didn't realise that your post was under the young people's section.

If it occurred under the age of 18 a good place to start would be 'Bravehearts'. Google them.

Or Google 'Help for victims of sexual assault NSW'