22 years old, male, massively sexually frustrated and depressed

[h12]

Hey everyone; for the last few months, and on many prior occasions, concerns about sexual contact, loneliness etc have been like a leaden weight in my mind. I'll put down a few connected specific thoughts and some questions, in the hopes of getting some advice, any general thoughts, and just maybe giving support to others who are going through the same sorts of struggles.

A snippet of context for you: I'm a 22 year old male. I have severe depression, anxiety and OCD. I've always had these but things really kicked up a notch or ten in late high school and uni. I stopped uni after a year, and for the few years since I've lived with my parents and been on various meds with very limited success.

I don't usually have all 3 main conditions at once. Right now the stand out is depression and it's mainly connected to being very sexually frustrated - I've had two sexual experiences, firstly with a friend (she wanted a relationship with me, I didn't feel the same way but she was the first non-family girl I'd ever talked to (I was 20 then) and I was totally clueless). Second was with my first girlfriend, now ex, early last year.

All I can think about recently, literally for large sections of each day, is how much I crave physical intimacy, how lonely I am (I only have a couple of friends, old school guys), how insanely jealous I am of other young people who seem to be able to get sex whenever they want with whoever they want, how unattractive/inadequate I feel, how low (wait, let's be honest, non existent) my self esteem is etc etc. And a surging storm cell of unanswered questions: how do other young people get sex so often, so easily? Where do they even have sex given that most still live at their parents' houses at my age?? (that one really confuses me!) I've gotten the impression that most girls these days say they don't want meaningless sexual encounters and don't like guys who are pushy wanting sex, yet I also get the impression that everyone (including said girls) is having sex all the time - how do I possibly reconcile that??

I'm an odd type of guy in that I'd preference genuine intimacy over quick hookups (honestly I wouldn't be against the latter but have never had an opportunity). I'm introverted, nerdy, value sincere, deep conversation, loyalty, commitment, not really a party person - not really attractive things at all!

The cultural standard of having lots of sex by my age, the jealously, confusion, longing - is even a hug too much to ask for??

[SweetAmara]

Hi H12,

I read your post and I wanted to offer a different perspective since I am a woman about your age and I am in a relationship. My boyfriend lives 10,000 miles away, we have had no sexual contact, and I desperately miss the physical intimacy of simple things like hugging, having my hand held etc. He visited for ten days last June and ever since, I feel that absence unbelievable amount, it's so apparent that it hurts. So I understand that. But sex unfortunately isn't an option for us. Both because of the distance, personal preferences and also issues of mundane things like visas. We simply can't afford the risks associated with sex right now.

It's really great that you have ceased the opportunity to be out and social more despite the awkwardness. As I started a degree several years ago that I haven't completed still, I often find that "What do you do?" question so uncomfortable. From what you've said, you have very little self-confidence, so hearing girls referred to their sexual experiences makes you feel bad about yourself. For everybody there are things they take pride in, their body, their intellect etc. what is that you take pride in? Is that an area to explore? Going to the gym or pursuing an interest of some sort. Whatever it is that interest you. It may sound silly, but from experience in my own situation, the loneliness, the jealousy and inadequacy gets worse when you aren't filling your time. I am not saying it'll be easy but worth it, if you apply yourself. People are usually attracted to people they see as outgoing, fun and lively, they see people out there living their lives as intriguing. Weird but true.

I think we've all experienced that "Why can't I have it easy?" thought process. I did for a long time, when it felt like everyone I knew was leading a carefree existence, I think that's what it really is. This perception we have of other people and their lives, while looking at it from the outside in. But I am a serial monogamist and would hold out for real intimacy any day, everybody is different though. You're also grieving the loss of your ex, which is what makes these feelings more acute.

Lastly, I think when you hear these discussions, you'll need to train your brain to be more positive. More of a "Good for them!" attitude and "I am looking forward to experiencing that again when the time comes!" You'll have to change your thinking in order to really redirect your thoughts positively.

Best of luck!

[h12]

Hey SweetAmara, thanks so much for taking the time to reply and give me some of your thoughts. It's just amazing that there are people like you on the forums who take time out of their day to give meaningful help to others.

I have lots of hobbies that I do by myself that I take pride in, like gardening, cooking, photography etc. I do a lot of cleaning around the house (partly an offshoot of my OCD really) and always take pride in being organised and helping with housework. Perhaps at a more abstract level I take pride in being able and willing to talk to others about difficulties they may be having and to not be judgemental towards anyone. Obviously I get really concerned that all of these things do not make me an attractive person, as in someone who a girl would actually want to get to know better. In my experience girls my age tend to only be attracted to guys of a particular personality type which I would describe as extremely relaxed, self assured and self confident etc. - whereas I'm someone that tends to have a very serious approach to life; I'm always thinking about the hidden suffering that others may be going through, I dwell a lot on things like problematic cultural trends and the stigma surrounding mental illness. I don't seem to be able to relax given all the difficult days I've been through, including many many times when I've felt like giving up entirely.

I've been really struggling over the last few days, my relationship with my father is rock bottom, I can't tell you how much I'd just like a hug from someone my age. I feel so unattractive and inadequate. My self esteem couldn't be lower and I'm worried I'm at a point where something small could really make my depression much worse.

[h12]

Hi again,

I'm feeling like I may need some more help on this subject because I've been struggling immensely recently with it. Last week I went to one of the club meetings and as I was leaving I overheard some girls saying that they wanted to make sure there were going to be spare bedrooms at a house party they were going to because they were intending to hook up with guys - in fact as I write this that's what they are probably doing right now. From my point of view I found a couple of these girls really attractive and I've been in the depths of depression and jealousy since, feeling completely inadequate and like I'd never have a chance with them in comparison to other guys.

At the meeting, they were also talking and laughing with a guy who was making lots of sexual jokes etc. - I'll never be the person to do that myself and if I'm not, will I ever be attractive if this type of humour (as part of a broader specific personality type of course) is all that girls these days are after? I've heard of other young guys saying they haven't had much intimacy, but by choice, not because they haven't had opportunities as is the case for me. I feel very torn up about this and don't know how to possibly put myself in a position where I would even have the chance for intimacy.

I feel embarrassed that this is all I can think about, but I can't understate how much of an issue it is for me and I am struggling to get by day to day - I have even thought that I might have some weird case of being addicted to sex, but obviously only to the idea of it, and that this is something wrong with me/warrants treatment.

[Novocastrian]

Hi h12,

I've just discovered this forum post in a Google search today, and found that I, a depressed and anxious 25 year-old male, resonate with your situation quite profoundly. I noticed that you didn't receive a response to your previous two posts. May I ask how you've been handling this since then?