21, lonely, single, empty & fantasy

[helenhall]

Hi,

I dont even know how I got here. I have never even read any threads on here let alone written any. But here we are. I doubt this will even help, but at least I'm willing to try.

Oh man where to begin. In a nutshell I am in university, studying something I really love and am passionate about. I've traveled, I have supportive friends, loving and devoted parents. And yet.

I am almost 21 and have never been in love. Not even close. I am a virgin. I crave love, I yearn for it, I spend hours (and I mean hours and hours) imagining and daydreaming about what love could be like. I am addicted to movies, tv and books about love. And at the end of all of them I am left feeling more empty and alone that I ever would have.

People would describe me as bold, outgoing, honest, brave, strong. But i feel like my insides are made of glass. Like there is hardly anything there. Like my body is one giant hole.

I am a happy person. I am passionate about life. I care. But i am lonely. Every, single, day. It's like I have to fight my imagination, my desires about being wanted. Because I am deathly afraid that it will never happen for me. Watching those movies, reading the books, is the most short-lived escape and provides me with the only flicker of feeling that i wouldn't otherwise have.

Its like loneliness sits on my shoulders and in my stomach. Everything feels heavy sometimes. I binge watched a romance show last night and spent most of today lying down staring at nothing. I dont like how this makes me feel. But I have always been alone. This is not new.

Sincerely,

[helenhall]

Hi Sarah,

It's been a little while! Hope you are doing well and staying happy 🙂

I have been having a good and productive few weeks. But I admit I am feeling a little low today.

I am still struggling with that balance between letting myself want what I don't have and then moving on with my life. I had a dream last night that kind of set me back a little, and it's so hard because you can't stop yourself from dreaming!

For me, it seems like the low moments are not long lasting, but are frequent. Any advice on how to handle this? Anything I can do to prevent these low moments?

Again, I know I am not alone. But my body and mind FEEL like they are alone. And that is the hardest part I think.

I have spoken to my doctor and she gave me a number for a psychologist in my area. I am nervous about contacting her because I don't know if she is going to be the right fit and I don't know if I can afford it. What should I do? I think it would be really beneficial but I don't know if I can maintain it.

I spoke to one of my friends from Ireland who I met on exchange and we spoke about how we were feeling about it all ending, and that helped me a lot. She is in the exact same position as me (we literally had to fly home on the same day) so she was really understanding. I just cant wait to get back out there!

Thanks for your support about the magazine, I hope I do them proud!

I agree with you about online platforms. I have reached out to people through apps like that before, but it has never really proven me successful. I think I am too old fashioned for that haha. Face-to-face always works for me.

Hope to chat soon.

Warmth,

[Concomitant]

Hi there,

I understand how you feel to some extent. Love is an amazing thing. I used to love watching romantic movies and shows and seeing how beautiful love can be. The loneliness hurts. I found that it made me stronger and taught me to fend for myself in many ways. The emptiness still does and always will hurt though.

Love was something that felt elusive to me in real life, and it still does. I find it difficult to really cultivate a genuine and meaningful connection with someone.

I found that someone I could love last year, after so long. Except I had started avoiding all the romantic movies I loved and hidden away from that fantasy. Being lonely for so long made me feel afraid of facing these fantasies again. It had been many years that I was in this cynical frame of mind, thinking that I would never experience this type of fantasy. I also felt insecure and like I wasn't "good enough" for it.

My point is, the fantasy and idealism itself is beautiful (but being realistic about the reality of relationships being imperfect in life is important too) and something worth remembering. I wasted my chance with the girl that loved me because I became too afraid to face my emotions, and now she has found someone else.

With the advice from the other posters, I am certain that you will find love eventually. Just remember to really cherish it and not be afraid of it. The reality will never be like the fantasies though, but I still find it to be a beautiful thing in its own right.