What is up with me ?

[DeDeJ]

Hi,

Ive never done this before. I don't even know where to start. 

Let's start with my bad self esteem lol, which i guess is kinda linked to my other problem of anxiety. Here is how i feel: I struggle socially and because of this i guess i constantly compare myself to others, and how good socially they are. I shouldn't i know. But its difficult. I see friends hang out, i see groups of kids all laughing and having fun and think how easy that must be. I can't help but feel why am i so like this? Why do i feel drained when i do socialize? I feel out of place. I also feel like i have to fit into a mold so people will just think that im a good person. I am always worried about what people think of me. I guess i can be described as a people pleaser, and i know i shouldn't be. But my mind is overwhelmed with all these thoughts and feelings, like "what if they like me or hate me. What if they don't want to hang out with me? Oh yea they have their own group they all love hanging out they wouldn't like me. Im a boring person i guess." 

I just feel out of place. Not only do i have these feelings, but hanging out with others is difficult. I need a few days to process the thought of hanging out with others. I HATE THIS. I wish i could just be that person who is confident and doesn't care about what others think, who finds it easy to socialize, who finds it easy to make friends with every body.

I hate this about myself - how I am. As a result, my self esteem is low and when i think about these things i don't feel joy. 

I just feel out of place in this world. Like i want coping strategies and i want support. I don't exactly know what to do. My parents are always so supportive and loving but idk i just feel like I need more than this. 

I want to feel different - i want to be joyful with others. I want to feel comfortable with others and myself. I want to not care what others think. But i want to be that person who is full of confidence and can talk to others without feeling like they don't want me or they are just being nice. I want an open personality!

Anyway, idk. 

[white knight]

Hi DeDeJ, welcome

You explained yourself really well. So, if I had similar feelings say in my teens and I overcame most of these feelings, at 67yo which is my age, how am I now some 50 years later? What are the changes I've gone through to survive society and my feelings that I'm a low self esteem misfit?

I made the following changes over time, some short term, some medium or long term- I

• Accepted that being popular in groups doesnt mean they are true friends. When tested many of those friends go missing
• To raise my self esteem takes confidence building. If you pursue your hobbies/sports that you are good at this will build by itself. 
• Many teens with low self esteem mature over the next few years to naturally grow that part of them. Be patient.
• Hanging around the wrong group is a problem as you will feel ignored. You could be better off with one or two friends in your own group. "Birds of a feather flock together". Find your own feathered friends.
• Pat yourself on the back for any achievement. Talk to yourself. Remind yourself of your positives "gee I'm lucky to have good parents" etc . Be your best friend.

A major problem you have is that you are a "worrier". I was also, in fact teachers nicknamed be "the worrier". Here is a post I made many years ago on worry. Please just read the first page.

What do you think?

Worry, worry worry - Beyond Blue Forums - 87808

TonyWK

[Sophie_M]

Hi DeDeJ, 

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. It’s a really good place to have come to hear from others. We’re really sorry to hear you’ve been dealing with an anxiety, it can be exhausting to deal with self-critical thoughts. We think sharing here is a great step towards feeling better.  

If you want to talk through what you’re feeling at any time, the Beyond Blue Support Line is here for you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636, or online here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/support-service/chat

 It’s ok to reach out when you’re feeling anxious or upset, they can talk you through some ways to find a bit of calm, and then help you to figure out some options for further support.  We’re sure we’ll hear from the lovely community soon, but in the meantime, here’s some strategies you might like to have a look at it. We understand you might have been through some of these in the past and it might feel like cold comfort right now, but they’re here in case they do pique your interest: 

• Another thread where the community have shared some strategies for managing anxiety 
• Beyond Blue Article: When your inner critic is giving you a tough time 

Thanks again for sharing. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else. Please be kind to yourself.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[Adam_83]

Hey DeDeJ

I can definitely relate to what you have described in your post. I’m 40 now, but I’ve felt that was since I was younger.

I’m a complete introvert and really struggle in social situations. Making conversation is hard, and I’d rather stand awkwardly on my own, than be part of a conversation I feel like I can’t contribute to.

Why would anyone care about my thoughts on that? What if I say the wrong thing? Do these people think I’m weird?

with those thoughts spinning, it’s hard to add anything worthwhile anyway, so I tend to avoid social settings and when forced to, try  and find ways to hide, leave early or just sit on my own.

From personal experience, this isn’t the way to fix the problem.

I wish I knew the answer for you, but don’t cut yourself off like I have. It’s a lonely place to be.