Washing Machine of Emotions

[Numb]

Hello

Apologies if posting in wrong section.

I am unable to deal or accept my mistake in judgement  I had a comfortable good life, but threw it away due to pride and thinking I was standing up for myself.  I should have forgiven, instead I took the high road and ended up regretting my decision. How does one live with regret!  Time hasn’t healed nor has therapy.  I am literally being eaten away by remorse.  I want what I once had, but it’s way too late.  I was wrong and truly can not forgive myself.  I’ve lost in life.  How does one deal with utter regret and self loathing? 

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you as you face such a torturous and tormenting time in your life.

I think regret would have to be one of the most torturous of emotions, as it can come with so many other emotions in tow. It can come with remorse, self loathing, guilt, shame, grief and more. And these aren't all just basic emotions, they're the deep ones on the list of so many of the emotions we can experience in life. I think what can make them so hard to manage involves them being such an anxiety inducing and depressing lot which can go hand in hand with truly brutal inner dialogue.

I've found some of my so called 'inner demons' to have been born out of regret. Inner demons can come to life in ways we can definitely do without. They can sound like 'You're such a self serving person. You're a horrible person. You're a stupid person' and that's the least of it. At their worst they can sound more like 'Why are you even here?!' and that kind of deeply depressing talk. The more depressing the chatter, the more they thrive. I've found changing perception can significantly change the inner dialogue. Our inner demons cannot thrive on a positive change in perception. Of course, a positive change can be much easier spoken about than achieved.

A change in perception can be less about self blame and more about self understanding. 'I understand or am coming to understand what led me to do the thing/s I did' and/or 'I can now understand what led me to cause upset to others, while upsetting my own life in ways'. Greater self understanding is not about making excuses, it's about finding reasons or becoming more reason able (more reasonable). Sometimes it can also be about sharing our greater level of self understanding with the people or person we may have caused upset to. It can also be about experiencing a rise in emotional intelligence (EQ) while also expressing new found emotions for the people or person we may have upset, such as compassion or empathy.

With the 'self forgiving' factor, moving forward while giving release to the parts of me that did/do not serve me is what led me to forgive myself for some of the poor choices I'd made in the past. As an ex drinker, I'm a gal who made a lot of deeply regretful poor choices when I was younger. I let go of the unreasonable parts of me, in order to become more reason able. I let go of the irresponsible parts of me, in order to be able to better respond to myself (my thoughts, beliefs, inner dialogue etc), to others, to situations and so on. If love is found in evolution (raising others and our self), in order to grow or evolve myself I gradually let go of self hatred. In the process of making my way through deep regret, I discovered a significant key or revelation that unlocked a new way forward: Hindsight, in its most destructive form, is a form of torture. In its most constructive form, it is a teaching tool which can lead to growth and change. Some lessons can be so hard to cope with and make sense of without the best guides/teachers.

[Mark Z.]

Hi there,

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. It must be very hard for you.

Forgiving yourself is not easy, but it's essential. Try to treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend in a similar situation. Everyone makes mistakes and you're not alone here in feeling regret.

Also try to reflect on the bigger picture of your life. While this period is painful, it does not define your entire existence. Think about your values, strengths, and the positive impact you have had and can still have on the world. And then focus on what you can do now and in the future to create a positive change. Set small and achievable goals that can help you move forward.

Except the big picture, it will be also very helpful to engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfilment. Whether it's a hobby, exercise, volunteering, or spending time with loved ones, positive experiences can help counterbalance negative emotions.

One technique that works for me well is writing. It can be a therapeutic way to process emotions. You can try journaling about your feelings of regret and self-loathing. Writing a letter of forgiveness to yourself, even if you don't feel ready to forgive, can also be a powerful exercise.

Hope this helps a bit.

Warmly,

Mark